Merry Christmas, Assholes!

Yep, you guessed it.

I'm drunk again. SHOCKER.

Anyway, I've been drinking this stuff all night. It's technically moonshine because it isn't sold commercially. This guy calls it Kool-Aid, and he calls himself a mixologist, whatever the hell that is.

The point is, it's delicious. And I got drunk off of it.

I haven't been this drunk since my 21st birthday.

So now I'm being strangely reflective and thinking about my year and what I wanted to do differently that I never got around to doing. Most of it is about me accepting myself as I am. I did not find a boy either, sadly.

I did start my career though. And I found myself after I lost track of what was important to me. I finally grew a pair and tried to initiate some sexy times. Those of you who know me will realize how big that is. I went through drama and came out unfazed. Most of all, I found a reason to smile every day, and I've been working on being more at peace with those around me.

When you look at it that way, I've actually done some good stuff!

Well I'm going to bed because I need to sleep this shit off.

Merry Christmas, and Goodnight!

I Hate You

I hate that we don't talk. I hate that we weren't what we were going to be. I hate the way you blow me off now just because you don't want to face this.

I hate how you make me feel insecure. I hate how much you lie to me. I hate so much about us that I can't put it into words, it feels like.

I hate how there never really was an us.

But most of all, I hate not wanting to hate you anymore.

Sick Blogging Part III

I'm not sure what I caught this time, but I'm positive I got it from one of my students. My head hurts, my throat hurts, my body hurts, and though I got a full night's sleep I feel like I need a nap.

My bet is the flu. It's been going around the school.

It's not like I have some plans that I have to bail on. Since my closest friends are in Iowa, sick as well, or off at college, I have to content myself with the not-so-good friends. One of them is still mad at me for something I didn't do, one of them is indifferent, and the third one is a mystery. He keeps ignoring my phone calls and not texting back. Once we made plans, and he just didn't answer any of my calls the next day. Or the next week.

My Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful. We ate, watched football, and built a fire. Spent a lot of time together, the usual Thanksgiving thing.

My mom is doing better after her unexpected booting from her work. I think the depression is setting in though. We're all trying to keep her happy by immersing the house in Christmas. Sometimes it seems to work. Other times she just sleeps all day.

My love life is still dead. Big shocker. BUT there is someone my brother's cousin has been trying to set me up with for years that is moving down from Dallas permanently. When he's settled, we're going to meet up and see where it goes, I think. The Marine is still keeping his distance, which is wise right now. I don't want him to get sick too. But I only just got sick, so it doesn't explain why he's kept his distance for almost two months. I've gone over it all in my mid so often that it hardly feels real anymore.   Right now I literally do not have the strength to hash it all out.

It's all SSDD, really.

Hope y'all are having a better December than I am.

Ta, loves.

Two Days Ago

Two days ago I was so worried about whether the Marine liked me or not, and if I was going to like my new job, and other small stuff like that.

Today is a new day.

First off, it's my birthday. 24 years, dude. Also my second cousin might be born tonight, so I might have to share my birthday.

Second, and biggest of all, my mother lost her job. She's the primary bread winner for our family, so it's a BIG FUCKING DEAL. We'll be okay, because of reasons that I won't go into, but my mom has worked for this company since I was 5 months old. They've always been in my life, and they cut her off without so much as a warning. So my entire family is upset. Surprisingly, my mom isn't that upset. We think it's because she's numb, and it hasn't set it yet. When it does set in, though, we'll be there for her.

Turns out two days is plenty of time to turn your whole fucking world upside down. I'm working through it, and I'll be fine, really. I just have to remember that something good will come of this. God brought us to it, so he'll bring us through it.

Tomorrow will be kinder.

Now I'm Just Frustrated

Because I've tried to contact you for weeks now, sugar. I don't know if you're avoiding me or if I'm not a priority or if I'm reading too much into it, but I can't find out if YOU WON'T TALK TO ME.

Jesus, all I want is to talk to you about what's going on between us. If it's nothing that's fine. Just tell me. If it's something, then we need to discuss it so I can figure out exactly what it is. You can't hide behind this forever, because I'm going to go crazy and ruin our friendship, and I don't want to do that.

At the very least, I want to see you sometime soon. Seeing you once a month is problematic for me. I don't function that way. I need regular contact with my friends or I forget how important the relationship is to me. There are a few exceptions, of course. My friends in Iowa will always be my friends, no matter how much distance is between us or how infrequently we talk. I know they're always there for me, just like I'm there for them.

But our friendship is relatively new, and I need to build some roots to sustain it for when we don't talk. We used to talk all the fucking time, but something changed and I can't figure it out.

Also your best friend has suddenly shown interest in what's going on between us, and I can't tell if that's because I've made it okay to talk about you with him or if he's got a secret agenda, but he seems to think that the way you're behaving is normal. Well, that won't fly with me, sugar. I don't like what's happening right now, and I need it to change.

It's just one fucking day that you have to set aside for my birthday dinner. You can't even set that day aside for me? You have to keep your entire week open just in case you get asked to drive to Louisiana again? That's bullshit, in my opinion. I get that you don't want to go to my work Christmas party because that's a little more date-like, but my birthday dinner is literally my family, your best friend and his parents, me, and you. That's not date-like in any way, shape or form.

I'm so confused, and so angry, and so discouraged. I want to know what happened to make you this way and leave us in this situation. I've just about reached the end of my rope, and once I let go that's it. I hope you're prepared to deal with the consequences.

Goodnight, y'all.

Up Late Thinking

You know the one thing I miss the most about the Marine? Before this whole...thing happened, we had some pretty nice talks about sex in general. Now that there's this awkwardness between us, I can't talk to him about sex anymore. I really wish I could though, because I'd have some good stuff to talk about!

Since our recent failure to start a sexual relationship, I've gone back to masturbation as a way to relieve the tension. Since I'm not going to get the D any time soon, I figured it would be good for me to release all this tension I've been building up. Anyway, I'm what one might call sexually sheltered.

Today I bought my first bottle of lubricant, and I just used it to release some of that tension.

Guys.

This is an amazing day. I had NO IDEA it would be that amazing. I always knew that masturbation was satisfying, but I never knew it could be better until today. Today I have awakened into this new world of pleasure and I'm loving it so far.

That might be a little too much information for some of y'all.

But this is why I need the Marine to talk to me. He wouldn't mind if I talked to him about it. Hell, he'd probably join me and we could both have pleasurable experiences. I really miss my sex talk buddy, y'all. I feel like I've been deprived of a dependable resource on the world of sex. Lord knows he's had his fair share of sex, and he could pass his vast knowledge onto me so I could make myself happier that I've been in a long time.

Maybe happy's not the right word. Satisfied is probably the right word. I'd be satisfied.

Shoot, I'm satisfied right now. My muscles feel like jello, and I'm already starting to fall asleep.

Hopefully I didn't scare any of you too badly. Have a great night, readers!

Ta.

Bittersweet Victory

I had my first ever adult party tonight! I got together with a bunch of people from my school and we played Bunko for three hours. I had so much fun, y'all. It was unreal.

But...the Marine hasn't talked to me for three days. I mean not a single thing. No responses to my good morning texts, nothing when I text him later about my day, and I can't draw him out of his radio silence to even talk about a mutual interest we have. I'm not sure why he's ignoring me though.

Update: I just got a response. Jeez, about time, right? I asked him if he was mad at me, and he said that I was good, which I take to mean that he's not mad at me. We have a Christmas party in December at my school. It's all very formal and exciting and whatnot. We're also allowed to bring a plus one if we so choose. And I asked the Marine, because what's another rejection to the Queen of Rejections? So he said it depends on what's going on around that time. So it's not an OUTRIGHT rejection, but...

I dont' know what happened to piss him off. Maybe he's just been super busy. Or he just doesn't want to talk to me often because now that he doesn't want the V he's no longer got a vested interest in maintaining consistent contact with me. 

There was another guy for, like, a hot minute. I really like him, and I see him all the time at work. He doesn't have a wedding ring, so I thought he was fair game. Apparently, he has a girlfriend and they have a kid that goes to my school. I haven't received confirmation from him, largely because I'm a giant pussy and didn't have the balls to go ask him. To play it safe, however, I'm going to rule him as off limits.

Anyway, the point is that I was really close to getting the D, but he backed out at the last minute, and the only other viable candidate has unconfirmed but believable attachments to someone else. So I guess I'm back to square one. Yippee.

On top of that, I didn't exactly have the best week. I had a kid throw up on me on Tuesday, and I had to implement a grade-wide seating chart at lunch time for the seventh grade class. Then Wednesday the sixth graders were awful and they went on silent lunch. Today, I was mocked and continually let down by my classes. I'm just beaten down for the week. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry a little. Maybe that's just me being hormonal before my period, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I need a good cry.

This weekend I'm going to rejuvenate my mental stability. I don't feel balanced right now, and I think a weekend away from everyone and all my problems is just what I need to get back on track.

I'm going to bed now, even though it's before midnight. Mama need some rest, babies.

Goodnight.

I Got A Lot Of Page Views Yesterday

But not ONE comment.

Really, y'all?

Y'all like reading my random ass ramblings, I can tell. So why not leave me one stinking comment? That's all I really want.

I even double checked to make sure the comments were enabled, so feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Ta for now, loves.

Problems Of A Perpetually Thirsty Virgin

So I've had time to process what happened tonight. Here's how it goes. The Marine and I were down for some mutually beneficial fooling around.

No strings attached, lots of fun, no hard feelings kind of fooling around.

We were on the same path, and then he came over and hung out with me and my family for a few hours. He was acting kind of weird when I tried to close my bedroom door to watch a movie. He was all, "Is your dad going to be okay with the door being closed?" And I was like, "...Yeah? I'm a grown-ass woman and I do what I want." I'm still recovering from an infection, so nothing was going to happen tonight anyway. We were just hanging out.

But he was hella uncomfortable the whole fucking night, and when he left he gave me this one armed hug. Like, what the hell bro?

So I asked him when he got home if we were still rolling in on the train to D-ville together, and he said he WASN'T SURE. WHAT THE FUCK?

He's all for giving me the D BEFORE he spends the night with my family, and now he's not sure if he wants no strings attached sex. He's a GUY. WHAT GUY HAS EVER TURNED DOWN FREE SEX? SHOW ME HIS FACE.

Like, my family is too nice, I guess? Before he was all for fucking me over emotionally, but now he's not. And he said it was nothing against me, which makes me think it actually is something against me. In a perfect world, he would be interested in a relationship, but I know that's not something that's going down right now. So I NEED to know why he's changed his mind all of a sudden.

It's going to drive me crazy. Because we've talked about it for two weeks, so I haven't felt the need to masturbate, and now that I have no guarantee that he'll sleep with me I can feel the tension rising in my shoulders and all the energy I have stored starting to bounce around in my lady parts. I can't help feel that it's my fault somehow, which is fucked up.

But really. You can't offer someone free sex and have that offer accepted, then rejected. It makes you feel shitty, not gonna lie.

Well, I'm off.

Night.

This Has Been A Crazy-Ass Week, Yo.

First, I've been sick for a week, right? So I thought it was a cold. Turns out it was a fucking UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTION. Boom!

So I sound like I smoke four packs a damn day and I'm taking Amoxicillin to knock it all out. In the mean time, all this shit has happened. I've talked about it so much it's almost a burden to write it all out for your entertainment. I'll do my best to push through it though. =)

While I was house sitting for my pastor, some strange shit happened that led my brother and I to believe that someone had broken into the house. Naturally, we wanted to tell him. When he came back to Texas, however, I was sick with what I now know is an upper respiratory infection. So instead of going out to dinner I stayed home and slept. Meanwhile, my brother told our pastor everything. This is where it gets murky.

He says he thinks it was his son's girlfriend, and he says he's going to talk to her. Instead, he talks to his son. Now, we're not sure what exactly he said, but according to his son he said that WE accused the girlfriend, not him. So the son has to go tell his girlfriend that she's not allowed to come over anymore. The shit officially hits the damn fan, and the girlfriend goes nuts. She starts talking about how I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend's family, and how I'm a hussy and a homewrecker.

She deletes me off Facebook and starts talking some mad shit. Keep in mind that I stayed in bed all weekend. I didn't talk to anyone. But this bitch is running her mouth, saying I've done all this shit. And she doesn't even have the balls to tell me in person. I find all this shit out when the Marine calls me and tells me that the girlfriend's best friend told him all this shit, and he's just passing it along.

How does the Marine fit in to all this shit, you ask? Oh, here's where it gets good. Apparently, even though I've been pursuing this dude for close to a year, now that someone else (the girlfriend's best friend) is interested I should back off. I didn't even know he was talking to this girl. But when the Marine showed interest in me instead of the best friend, I immediately became a homewrecker and a slut.

What?! Seriously? That's just bullshit. So I've been blamed for all this crap that happened while I was in bed, sick as a damn dog. It's so stupid, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it all. The only upside is that the Marine and I hung out tonight and it was glorious. I've had such a good time tonight. I have to process it, and then I'll tell you all about it.

Later, my loves!

Hella Sick Blogging

Like, my throat is super sore, I've been sleeping off and on all night, and I'm pretty sure I've had some hallucinations about being in school.

At least I'm not as bad as I was a year ago, when I hallucinated that my blanket was talking to me and the doctor was over an hour away. That was a rough day.

Anyway, I've just awoken for the six millionth time, it seems like, and I thought I'd let everyone who reads my blog know that I'm sick as fuck.

As soon as my parents wake up and the room stops spinning after I sit up, I'm going to call the doctor and make myself an appointment, followed by a trip to the drug store to find Thera Flu and Sprite. I'll kick this mystery illness...once I have the strength to stand without support.

Damn, I hate being sick.

So Much News, Holy Shit!

Alright readers.

Since my last little blog post something big has changed. And that would be my love life. Well...maybe love is a strong word. Since my last post I've entered into...sex talks, I guess I can call them...with the Marine. It's pretty eye opening. I'm not very comfortable with dirty talk, come to find out. But I am kind of excited by the idea of it all.

Anyway, he's had some pretty racy fantasies about me, it turns out. It was all going well for a while. I didn't think he was that into me, but the more I thought about it the more sense it made. And then I started thinking that maybe all he wanted was sex and he was desperate enough to go for me. So I said I wanted to hang out before we did anything sexual, and he quit texting me. Dead silence for about...15 minutes now, which is weird because he was quick to text me back when we were talking about all the sexual things I wanted to try.

So we'll see how it goes. If we never progress there, no biggie. We can still try to be friends. And the next time he makes a move I can shut him down because I know that we aren't looking for the same things. But if he DOES agree to be friends first, well...it could get interesting.

So, about my job. It's a charter school on an island I live close to. It's super small and has tons of security. It's perfect for me, and I'm so excited! Right now I'm working for the Special Education department, and I work every day. It's hard to explain everything, but I love my job and I love the school and I love the kids. Really I love everything about my job, and I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.

That's all for now, lovely readers. And if any of you change your mind about talking to me, feel free to leave a comment. I'd love to hear from any of you!

Ta, loves!

Some Fun Tidbits For You

One: I will blog at length probably tomorrow or Saturday, so yay for that!

Two: My love life has not progressed any further than it had at the time of my last post.

Three: I like super cheap red wine. Who knew?

Four: I HAVE A JOB YES I REPEAT A JOB AND I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEXT POST BUT ALL YOU NEED TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS IS I HAVE A JOB AND I'M INSANELY HAPPY OMG.

I have to go to bed because I get up early for work now!!!!!

Ta, loves.

How Do You Know When To Let Go?

So I have this friend, right? We've been friends for a few years, and we're a lot alike. The last time we saw each other it was the beginning of July. We saw a play at this super cool theater in Houston, then went to a party and walked around the Theatre District until two in the morning. We made all these crazy plans for later in the month, talked about all our problems, etc. It was a healing experience for me.

And then he didn't talk to me for two months. So we never did any of those cool things, and every time I planned something he canceled on me. We finally decided on some epic night on the town. I made a CD and dropped it off at his house so he could get pumped. Stupid friend stuff, I know, but I did it with my brother and it was always so much more fun when we had specific music to listen. Anyway, I made him a CD and he loved it, apparently. But then when the night on the town came around he didn't answer any of my calls and I had to cancel it. And he didn't talk to me until he got a job that he's been trying to get forever and I invited him out for drinks. Then he couldn't wait to see me and told me he's missed me a ton.

So I planned this celebration thing. He was going to go with me and a bunch of people to a baseball game and then we would go out for drinks and just have fun. He was down...up until he suddenly remembered he had to do something for his grandfather and couldn't go anymore. But he "really wants to hang out soon bc I've missed you sooo much!" Yeah, I can see that.

I'm not sure when I should give up. Like, I feel like these are just giant excuses that have piled up one on top of another. I was operating under the assumption that his phone was broken, because that's what he told me. When my brother was out eating lunch with his friend, however, he saw my friend walk by him, texting someone and then calling them. So his phone was working perfectly a month ago. He gave me his "brand new" phone number on Wednesday.

My brothers say that I should just tell him to fuck off. And I don't want to lose him because I have a lot of fun with him, but he's been blowing me off for months. I'm not sure what I'm doing to make all my friends not want to be around me, but this isn't a new thing. It's happened several times this year. I guess I left all my good friends in Iowa, excepting one or two of them.

Today was actually a good day, but this has put a damper on my evening. Now I'm too upset to sleep and I don't want to do anything tomorrow. Welp, I'm off to bed.

Goodnight, readers.

I Hate Being Lied To

Like, so much I can't even explain it.

Just tell me the damn truth. Especially when you place such a high premium on being told the truth all the time, no exceptions.

And if you're going to lie to me, at least lie to me for a good reason. That way when I find out it won't be as bad.

I cannot FUCKING believe you lied to me about something so stupid. I hope it was worth it. Now I'm never going to trust you again.

Sometimes I Don't Think I've Accomplished Anything

And I get really sad.

My life is progressing, yes. I've become a substitute teacher at a charter school near my house, and it could lead to a full-time position. My friends are relatively active in my life, and I'm always doing things with my family. I'm very active in my church, and I've made a real connection with the youth. I'm even going to become a session member and help run the church.

But I don't think I've accomplished much of anything at this point. Perhaps I'm just looking for a reason to be sad. Maybe I'm enhancing my feelings of worthlessness because I haven't been in a relationship since I was a senior in high school. For whatever reason, this feeling is not a pleasant one. I'm a little disgusted with myself right now, actually.

I don't think I'm making any sense right now, so I'm going to get off this blog and listen to some Piano Guys and Randy Travis. Maybe music will make me feel better.

Ta, readers.

Feelings Are Stupid

I feel irrationally bad because I tried to make the Marine feel better about the size of his penis and I apparently didn't do it right because now he's not talking to me.

First, he brought it up out of NOWHERE. He asked me what the average size of a penis was, and I told him. Unsolicited, he told me he was bigger than that. I said good for you, essentially, and changed the subject because I was getting uncomfortable.

HOURS later we're in the middle of a conversation about football, and he tells me he almost sent me the picture he took of his erect penis next to a measuring tape. Like, what the hell? We weren't even talking about it. So then he described and sent the picture to me even though I didn't show an interest in seeing it. And he's well endowed, okay? It's all very exciting...for him.

I'm not sure what he wanted out of me. I told him size didn't matter, because to me it doesn't. I said any woman that wasn't shallow would like him for more than the size of his dick. I also know he's had a very active and satisfying sex life, so he clearly doesn't need the assurance that he's good in bed, especially from someone he's never fucked. I even told him that his dick looked fine, because it did. I didn't tell him it was the prettiest penis I'd ever seen or anything like that, but I assured him that he didn't have anything to worry about. And then he quit talking to me.

We've been down this road before. I was confused, and he told me he didn't like me. He just wanted to be friends, and that's what I've worked on. I thought I was doing a good job, too. I've met his brother, invited him out a few times, and we've had good laughs together. We're friends. I did what he asked me to and am trying to move on and not attach too much meaning to what he says and the things he does. And he isn't interested in me as a booty call, because he's told me so. So why did he bring up his dick yet again?

Maybe he's trying to test me to see if anyone else will hear about it. I've learned my lesson though, and will keep my mouth shut.

UGH. I'm so confused, and a little tired of it all. What did he want from me? To offer him some fellatio right then and there? Sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. And he knows it too, so...

If you want me, you just need to say it. If you don't want me, you need to quit sending me pictures of your dick. If you're not going to fuck me with it, why does it matter to you what I think about it? I don't want you to tell me about all the girls trying to get your attention. You don't need to brag, because there's nothing to gain from me. If you wanted jealousy, you should have said that you were interested in me, THEN told me about the girls. You say you're a man of action, but so far all I see is mixed signals. If you want something from me, you first have to DO SOMETHING. Sending pictures, in this day and age, is practically nothing. Kiss me, throw me up against a wall, take me out on a date. Those are indicators of interest, not dick pics.

There is a possibility that he's only sending these pictures because he wants reassurance. My brothers say that he just wants someone to appreciate his assets. And I could see how that could be important, but you can see how confusing it is from my point, right? I just don't know what he wants from me. I told him I wanted it in my mouth the first time and he shot me down. I tried to be supportive and I pissed him off. Apart from ignoring him, I can't really see another way to react.

I thought writing it all out would help, but it's only made it worse. I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading though. You all really make my day.

Goodnight.

I Feel That I Have Been Remiss In Blogging

So here's another one!

An addition to my previous blog post: Robin Thicke is also an awful person for his behavior at the VMAs for allowing the simulated sex to occur. Also he thinks he's being cheeky and has successfully skirted the outrage I feel at his music video, but he's OH SO WRONG. It's not satire, honey. You're just using that excuse to weasel out of the wave of rage that should rightfully crash down around your sexist head. I am not fooled by you or anyone associated with you. And it doesn't matter that you got permission from your wife and the models filming with you. The message you broadcasted was one of objectification. You treated those women like stage pieces, pretty scenery. Congratulations on giving that advice to those who look up to you. Now hundreds of women will feel the joy of being treated like a tool used exclusively for the pleasure of their partners. You should be so proud.

I have so much more to say on that subject, believe me. But I've curbed myself, because my full rant mode is not pretty for anyone.

In other news, I am cooking dinner for the Marine and his brother tomorrow. I think this new friendship is growing nicely. We might go swimming after, too. It depends on what the little man wants to do. I feel that this has the potential to go so much further, but I don't want to do anything prematurely. Also I made the first move last time and he didn't express interest, so I think it's best if I just drop it and concentrate on the friendship. Sometimes I forget for just a minute when I feel the tension between us and I know if I make a move it will probably be reciprocated. Then reality slaps me upside my fool head and I remember that I'm not supposed to be thinking like that.

It's hard to remember sometimes. I'm also not telling our mutual friends that we're hanging out. I'm not trying to keep it from them, but it hasn't really come up. I also don't really want them to play a part in my friendship with the Marine. Last time that happened everything fell apart at the seams. So I'm not planning on saying anything unless they ask me about it. That's not bad, right?

Well, I'm going to bed. Have to get my beauty sleep so I don't look like a hot mess tomorrow.

Ta, loves!

Wow, I'm So Lame

I haven't updated in, like, forever.

I've been in this black pit of despair because I cannot find a job and school started today for everyone down here in my hometown. It's the first time I've not been in school when school starts, and I'm going a little batshit, to be honest. How did this happen? When did I become an adult with adult responsibilities and shit? Super lame.

Anyway, that's been on my mind all day. I went to lunch with my brothers and one of my good friends, and on the way there I realized that I've grown up. Years ago, my brother Dylan got me into watching award shows. We'd watch them and then talk about them for DAYS after. Literally. But we didn't watch the VMAs last night. In fact, we all played Clue for two hours and went to bed before midnight. So when we woke up this morning and got online to do our normal morning things (I check my email, Facebook, and Tumblr, while Dylan reads the news) we noticed some talk about what happened at the award show last night.

I mean, really? When did this society devolve into oversized children too caught up in the spectacle before them to realize that people have feelings and that they should cary themselves better when being filmed and watched by millions who idolize them. I know it has to be hard for the "elite" few, who have had their lives ripped open and examined from every angle. They've been speculated about, mocked mercilessly, and sometimes socially crucified because they refuse to give everything of themselves to us, greedy as we are. So I get it. It's not something that one ever gets used to, I imagine. But having said that, there has to be some responsibility on their part. They realize they're idolized by the younger generations who have made them successful. That idolization comes with a hefty responsibility. So please, have some respect for yourself and for those around you. Please refrain from booing people and the success they've worked hard for just because you don't like them. Please don't disrespect the people in the same boat as you. You know how it feels to be in their shoes. And PLEASE respect yourself enough to know that there is a difference between expressing your independence and degrading yourself to prove that you can do what you want.

Anyway...

That was also on my mind.

So the more important news in that the Marine and I finally hung out! Without everyone else too! I mean, he brought his younger brother with him, so we weren't alone. But still.

Also, he is super protective of his younger brother, I think because he is so much older than him. I was told that the best way to impress the Marine is to get in good with his brother. So I was naturally FREAKING OUT when he told me he was bringing his brother to come hang out. It felt like a really big test, and I didn't want to fail it miserably.

My brother Roosevelt (Roo) told me that I couldn't make a big deal out of it. Friends first, especially since the last time I tried anything he shut me down and then we didn't talk for most of the summer. So instead of getting all snazzy and dolling myself up, I kept it simple. Didn't put on excessive make-up, and just braided my hair to keep it out of my face.

When they got to my house, we settled in and started to watch movies. The younger brother was a little hesitant to relax, given that I was a total stranger. I was also at a loss. I wanted to make a good impression, but didn't know how to. We loosened up, and eventually I forgot I was supposed to try to impress them and started to have fun.

You all know how much I like the Marine. He's a great guy, and I really want him to stay in my life. But his little brother is probably cooler than him. I forgot what it was like to talk to someone in Elementary school, and he was SO CUTE HOLY CRAP. I loved him. Apparently he liked me too, because all of a sudden he wanted me to meet his cousins and his sister and I had to go to this place with them or go do that thing sometime because he thought I'd like it. The feeling I got when he'd turn to the Marine and suggest that we all do something or I meet some family member is pretty indescribable.

After they left I felt awesome. We finally got past all the crap from the beginning of the summer, and I made a new friend. Granted, he's in 5th grade, but he's still a seriously cool kid. I can't wait for us to hang out again.

I haven't told any of my friends that we all hung out. I don't think they need to know, and the less involved they are with my relationship with the Marine, the better off I'll be.

Well, I'm fucking tired. I'm going to go to bed, lovelies.

Goodnight!

The Funny Thing About Today Is

I feel just as bad as I did yesterday. It hurt yesterday that I wasn't invited, and it hurts today because I know at least one of them lied to me about it. I gave her an opportunity to come clean and she didn't.

I dont even think they meant to exclude me...again. It's hard for me to think that they would be that malicious. They just don't care enough to remember me.

The awful thing about trying to be the bigger person when your feelings have been hurt is that you still feel bad, no matter what you do. I could have caused a scene, but at the end of the day I would still feel bad, and they wouldn't want to talk to me. Choosing to take the high road also hurt, because I was the only person who felt bad. They didn't have a reason to be upset because they were all at the beach, having a blast I imagine. Knowing that they were having fun without me just made it hurt more.

So I was nice, and I bottled it all up. I spent the day with one of my brothers, and came home to a television and a season of Modern Family. It was all fine until I got on Facebook and saw the pictures they took. Now my repressed feelings have come out of their bottle and are keeping me awake.

I have to go to bed because I have a certification exam tomorrow, so I'm off to count sheep until I pass out.

Ta, loves!

It's Been A While

But fear not, lovelies! I am back once again to rant about my poor social life. This time it's because I was disinvited from a plan a bunch of my "friends" and I have had for a while.

We were all going to go to the beach sometime this summer, right? Well those plans have finally been put into action. Just...without me. Found out on Facebook. A few minutes ago, actually.

I guess I'm not all that fun to be around? Or according to them I'm not. I thought we were all friends. I thought we were all going to hang out together this summer. And they've been hanging out, never fear. They've just never invited me along.

I'm not really sure what to do. Like, I've been as clear as I can that I want to hang out with them, and they've continually ignored me or blown me off or just plain didn't invite me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I try so hard, and all I get back is scraps of their attention...when they remember I'm standing there waiting for them to acknowledge me.

I'm angry, sad, and a little defeated at this point. I mean, you can only kick a person so many times before they start to take the hint. I guess...message received? I don't know. I feel like I should have a good cry and revenge show up at the beach tomorrow. But that makes me look a little desperate for their attention, I think. I've been waiting for an excuse to go to the beach, and here it is, all wrapped up in a little bow and set out in front of me. I can't think of anyone who would go with me though.

So to sum it up I'm sad, mad, and ready to get even. But can you get even when the people who hurt you don't care that they've hurt you? Does that mean our friendship had come to a natural, dwindling end?

I'm going to bed before my brain has the chance to think about how many friends I seem to be losing.

Goodnight.

Tonight's Been Interesting

I upset my brother, and I really didn't mean to.

We have this new rule that we're trying to all abide by, and it's really hard because it's almost second nature for us to call people this one word. And it's been a pet peeve of mine for forever, but I finally  told my brothers and now we're trying to fix it.

But it caused a lot of ripples because it comes out like a reflex sometimes and when I tell them not to call me that word (it's bitch, for anyone who's curious) they can get a little frustrated.

Well it frustrated my brother tonight because he thought I was upset at him, but I wasn't. I was just trying to remind him of the new rule. That sparked a very long discussion about several things, and ended with a fight.

I didn't want to fight with him. Sometimes he says things that just light me up, and tonight was no exception. I'm sure I said what he told me I said two years ago. Two years ago I was an awful person, and I said awful things. The thing to take away from it all is that I don't mean them now. I say a lot of stupid things when I'm angry, and I wish I could take them all back. I'm looking for the quickest way to get the fastest reaction, and sometimes I fight dirty. Anyway, I didn't want to have the conversation so I ended it.

He's a big proponent of talking it out, and I'm a big proponent of letting it settle and coming back to it with civil heads. That causes clashes, naturally. So I walked away and it infuriated him. It's never a good idea to start arguments when alcohol is involved, and the discussion we were heading into definitely shouldn't have been breached at midnight. It's simply just too fucking late.

We've been fighting a lot this week. I really want it to stop and I'm not sure how.

It Has Been A Week.

Let me tell you about it.

Or...actually, I won't.

Instead, I'll talk about how the Internet can be painful if used too callously. And by talk about it I mean say it. Because the Internet is capable of hurting someone so much more than anyone plans to. Or maybe some people plan to, but I certainly never mean to hurt anyone. Least of all my best friend and brother. 

I have learned my lesson.

Anyway, I hope the week turns up from here. I certainly hope it doesn't get worse. I shudder to think what that would look like.

Anyway, I won't talk about what happened because that's for me to know and y'all to guess at, but I will say that it looks like it will get better. Eventually.

Welp. Going to bed now. And with a smile on my face, no less!

Goodnight, awesome nerds.

So I'm Drunk Again.

But, like, SUPER drunk. I haven't been this drunk since my 21st birthday.

And there's a whole bunch of drama going on right now. I'm pretty sure I can't type at all, seeing as how it's taken me five minutes to get this far. So I'm going to bed. But first let me leave you with some nuggets of wisdom that you've already heard, I bet.

First: do not text while drunk. If you think I'm joking or that nothing bad comes of it, you're WRONG. It's always awful and you should never do it.

Second: do not be anyone's moral compass. That shit can mess you UP. Also, if two people want to do the nasty, let them do it. It's up to them to fix it, not you.

Third: DO NOT KEEP DRINKING WHEN YOU GET ANGRY. It will always always ALWAYS turn out to be utter shit.

Fourth: it's okay to have a cry when you need a release. Just don't storm out dramatically before you shut yourself in your room. Then everyone knows you're having a cry and they feel bad.

Fifth: you take care of you first. Everyone else comes later.

Sixth: when you've already fucked it all up, don't try to fix it. It'll just get awkward. Refer to Rule #1 to prevent the fucking up of everything.

Seventh: you are not made of steel, and you cannot save the world. Quit trying to solve everyone's problems and worry about keeping yourself sane. You're the only one who can turn your life around. Don't put yourself in a place where you have to unfuck your life, and just follow these rules.

I am now going to bed. Goodnight.

(Also excuse any typos. I tried to proofread while being extremely not sober.)

Thoughts Before Independence Day

Bet y'all thought this was going to be about America or freedom or some shit. It's not. Haha! Fooled you!

So tomorrow is the great 4th of July, and my mother and I are going to two, check it: TWO parties tomorrow. One is our family party, which we're kind of obligated to go to. The second one is my pastor's family's party. Now this wouldn't be awkward if that's all it was. But it's also the pastor's son's and daughter's birthdays. They're nine years apart, and they were born on the same day. How awesome is THAT? Anyway, I'm invited to this little birthday bash, and I'm not sure Steven's girlfriend is invited.

There wouldn't be any reason for her not to be, really. Just the fact that maybe some members of Steven's family aren't that fond of the GF, but if it's his birthday celebration he can invite whoever he wants, right? I'm hoping that's the truth, because I'm not down for hearing his family talk about how wonderful I am and how he needs to "get with the picture" and just date me. As I've specified several times, that's dead and gone. There was a chance; it didn't work out. It's never coming back.

But I was texting the GF and she was really curt. Like, to the point of bitchy, and I wasn't sure what I'd done. I asked her and she said if she was mad and it was worth mentioning that she'd tell me. That makes me think that she's mad about something but isn't going to talk about it because she doesn't think it's a big enough deal to mention it to me. So I thought and thought about what it could be, and the only thing I could think of what that she wasn't invited to the birthday party.

I wasn't even invited by Steven. His parents invited me because they wanted me and my family to come  and visit them. I think that that distinction should mean something. But maybe that's why she's mad, if she's mad about this at all. The fact that his family likes me so much could be problematic, but I promise I'm not into him. You can have him, honey. He obviously makes you happy, and I'm not about to open that can of worms. I know what it feels like to have your man ripped out from under you, and I've promised to never do that to anyone, regardless of who they are or how much I want the person they're with. And in the GF's case, I don't want her man at all. Moved on to better things.

I really don't want this to become a thing where we fight over it, because I'll be 100% done with the conversation before it even starts. Her beef shouldn't be with me. I didn't do anything but bond with his family, because he's got an awesome family and I like adopting awesome families as my own. I'm up to three now, and I'm pleased with my collection.

In fact, my life is going really well. I've been interviewed for two positions, and I'm fairly certain I'll get an offer by next week. My family is slowly but surely mending itself and we're all getting closer. Now all I need is to fix my relationship with my friends. One close friend has stopped talking to me altogether. It's been almost two months and I haven't heard anything from him. My friendship with Steven and the GF has become strained, and we all know what happened with the Marine. I don't have many friends, and I don't want to lose any of them.

Anyway, that's all I have for this blog post. I'm actually tired, as weird as that is. It's not even midnight and I'm ready to shut out the world. Guess that's what I'll do.

Ta, loves!

I Miss You

And I really shouldn't, because I was so mad at you, and then I was embarrassed, and then I didn't really have any emotion toward you.

But now I miss you. Maybe because I want to work some of my flirty magic. Maybe because you're still that really good guy and I just can't see it because all I can see and hear is "Friends flirting with friends, sweetheart."

And God, I really miss having you call me sweetheart. I'm really into that, as I've previously specified, and it made me feel kinda special. I'd really like for that to start happening again.

But when I couldn't sleep and I needed to talk to someone I chose you. And it was nice having someone who would hold a conversation with me that didn't consist of "Lol" and "yeah." It was a text conversation, but at least it had substance.

I'm sorry that we aren't what we once were. I know I made it awkward. You made it awkward too, but I kept it going and turned it into something that's keeping us from talking and interacting with one another.

Why don't we just...try it from the beginning? I'll forget everything that happened, and we'll pretend we've never met. Clean slate and all that.

I'm just being really reflective right now. I want to fix this thing that we were starting to call a friendship. Maybe get it to where it exists outside a phone screen. That would be nice, I think.

Peace and Blessings, Y'all.

Maybe I Made A Mistake

Or maybe you made one. Or maybe we both made a mistake by trusting each other. I trusted you to keep it real and not become just like every other man I've tried to start something with, and you trusted me to keep my mouth shut.

It was my fault, really, that I couldn't keep it between us two. I get that now, but I was so confused. I mean, I've never been pursued by a guy before. Really. I didn't know what to do and then you were naked on my phone and I had to figure it out and I had to figure it out NOW. So I asked my brothers, and they told me to stop texting you. So I ignored them. And then I needed to talk to someone who wasn't family, and I had limited options. I chose your best friend's girlfriend. And that probably wasn't one of my finer moments, because even though I trust her I can't help but feel like she'll betray me one day. Maybe that day is now. But I NEEDED to talk to someone. And I made her promise not to say anything. AT ALL. But then again, you made me promise to keep it between us. And at least I didn't show anyone. I just told them about it. I've been informed that was a dick move. I am properly ashamed of myself.

It was YOUR fault, however, for not judging the situation correctly. Do I really seem like the girl who knows what to do in these situations? I know you and your best friend talked about me. You had to, if you wanted to know anything about me before you started flirting. There's always that, "Yo, this girl. What's her story? You ever hit that? What's the vibe you get off her?" And if that conversation took place, then you already knew I wasn't that girl. So what did you really expect to get out of it all?

Lined up side by side, my transgression seems to be worse than yours, I know. But I'd really like to move past it and try to be friends again. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted that it's easier for you to save face by feigning ignorance of your reasons for sending me the dick pic. It's an embarrassing thing to do, after all, especially when it doesn't get the reaction you're looking for.

We've both made mistakes, we've both misjudged the other. We're smarter now, and we'll get through it. I'd just like to get through it without radio silence on your end.

Well...that's all my thoughts on THAT. I'm going to bed.

Ta, loves!
(And I promise I don't bite. Leave me a comment! Who are you? Where are you from? Why are you reading this word vomit? I'd love to know!)

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

My sadness has melted away, it seems.

Like, WHO ARE YOU TO FLIRT WITH ME THEN TELL ME IT'S JUST YOU HORSING AROUND WITH A FRIEND?

I'm pretty sure friendly flirting doesn't cover sending me a NAKED PICTURE of yourself. If it was a booty call, cool. I get it. YOU'RE not going to get anything, but I appreciate the effort. If it was you trying to boost your ego, JUST SAY SO. I'm fine with boosting your self image, because you're fucking hot and you should accept that about yourself. But DO NOT tell me it's friends flirting with friends. Because that's definitely not something you do with your "friend," let alone a "friend" you haven't spent more than a few hours with.

And the worst part was, I'm not really into that. I've had phone sex exactly ONCE. And it was awful. Something about it made me feel gross, and I was uncomfortable in the shower for weeks after. That's okay, though. We all have things we like to do, and things that weird us out. I don't want to see the surprise inside before I've bought the candy, you know what I mean? I don't need pictures. I prefer to have it be a surprise, and see it all firsthand. Pictures make me uncomfortable, because then the guy wants to see one of me, and there's no polite way to say no. You want the goodies? You gotta work for them, sweetheart. I don't come cheap.

So I was drunk texting and my inhibitions were lowered. If I had been sober I would have realized what he planned to do and stopped him. It was like, we were flirting, and I was getting bolder with my compliments. Then BAM there's his penis right there on my phone and I don't fucking know what to do. And he says I MUST promise to keep it between us and not to lie about whether or not I think he's hot. First, what the hell am I supposed to think about this picture? I've never encountered this before, so of fucking course I'm going to ask someone about it. Maybe even two or three or four people. As many as it takes for me to figure out what I'm supposed to say to you when I wake up in the morning with the knowledge of what your dick looks like. Second, why would I lie to you about being hot? I've been sending out literally every signal I can think of to let you know I'm interested. Sounds like you just want me to build up your confidence. Trust me, I can do it way better when I'm not thinking about your dick. I'm much less awkward when nakedness isn't a factor. It's also more authentic, I think. That way it's not like I'm judging your physical appearance, but measuring you on your personality.

I guess asking him if he was just flirting to flirt wasn't the best thing to do. My brother told me it was the move of a crazy person, and he was going to run for the hills the minute I asked him. And he did say he just thought of me as a friend. My brothers told me he was probably looking for a booty call, and a few others said it was because he was interested. I asked him why he sent it, and he said he didn't know, and that he was sorry. Why the fuck are you sorry? You know damn well why you sent it. At this point it's pretty hard to worm your way out of it. You either sent it to read me on a hookup, boost your ego, or draw my interest in further. If you don't want sex, you're confident, and I'm just your friend, you have to be lying about something. You don't just send someone a dick pic, and if you do, I think you might have some issues you refuse to face.

Maybe I came on too strong and scared him, so he lied. Maybe he was too drunk to determine that it was a bad idea. At this point I'll accept just about anything. I just want to know WHY so I can figure out how to talk to you now. Because I'm obviously not going to flirt with you anymore. I don't flirt with friends. It confuses me too much, so now I have to restructure the parameters of our friendship and start over from scratch.

Man, I don't know anything right now. I'm angry as fuck at him, a little discouraged, and so, so confused about it all. I think he was really flirting, but I scared him off. And that's my b, but that's also how I am. I'm straight to the point, and if it's not going to go anywhere I need to know before I get too invested. I want to know that the ending will be worth it if I read all 900 pages of the book. If the last five pages suck, I just wasted all my time.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. And if you're reading this, don't fucking say anything. This is the risk you took when you sent me mixed signals. At least I didn't tell everyone your name and dick size. That would have been really embarrassing, huh?

Goodnight!

He Doesn't Like Me Back

I asked him. He said no.

That's all for tonight.

Well, It Happened.

I embarrassed myself with the Marine. And I'm still doing it. I can't...go into detail? Because NONE of you have commented on my blog to let me know who you are and why you're reading the crap I write, I'm not sure who's reading what, so no details.

I was wowed, I guess, by our flirting, but I'm really confused by it all now. The last time I flirted this hard with a guy, he just wanted the V. And he brought up that he was horny one day and I said sorry boo. Then he got a girlfriend, and we were like brother and sister. So I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but if all he wants is some ass, he's going to be sorely disappointed.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to respond to it? I mean, I did my best. I was honest and up front about how I liked him, truly, and wouldn't flirt with him this hard if I didn't. Then he said, "Aww, thanks :),"and that was that. Call me crazy, but usually guys will respond with an, "Aww, I like you too," instead of, "That's nice to hear," if they're interested.

And if he's not interested I will be so unhappy, because I've invested a lot of time into building this shit up. I don't want it to fall down around my head now, not when we've progressed so much. But if it DOES indeed happen and we're no longer flirting or sending out signals, I'll just add him to my long list of Almost Lovers and move on.

Or I'll cry into my pint of strawberry ice cream and watch sad, romantic movies to make myself feel worse. Yeah, probably that one.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now, for real. Because the last time I said I was going to bed he started a new conversation with me, which lead to more of our...flirting. But this time I'm really going to go to bed. And I'm not going to text him first this time. He's going to text me, and we'll see what he's really made of.

Will this turn out to be another failed booty call? Does he really want to pursue a relationship? I'll let you know.

Ta, loves!

I'm A Little Drunk...

And by a little, I mean a lot. So maybe this post should be titled drunk blogging.

Annnnnyway, I've been trying to get the Marine to go get a drink with me at this tavern in town, right? And to make it less date-y I wanted our mutual friend to come along. I found out tonight that they went to the tavern...but I wasn't invited. So I was feeling sorry for myself and I got drunk.

Then the Marine sent me a text message telling me how sorry he was that I wasn't invited, and if he'd known I wasn't invited he would have invited me and he would have loved to see me. So we started texting, and flirting a little (a lot). But we're both pretty drunk, so I don't think it means much of anything.

I'm sure I'll wind up embarrassing myself horribly, but I don't really care right now, largely because he's being sweet and flirty and I can't be moved to give a fuck. A little part of my nonchalance has to do with me being pretty fucking plastered, let's be real. And I just called him love, for whatever reason my alcohol addled brain could think of. I'm going to be so fucking embarrassed tomorrow.

I'm going to bed now. I'll let y'all know tomorrow if I've lived through the night or died from embarrassment.

Goodnight, loves!

I Don't Know How To Flirt

But I think I'm doing it right. It's 1:15 a.m. here, but because I can't change the time zone on any of these posts you all think I blog at normal hours. But fear not; I'm a night owl.

I'm talking to the Marine right now. Well, talking is a relative term. We're texting each other. Before I get into that though, I usually blog when I have these thoughts running around in my head and I can't quiet them. It's almost always after midnight, and I'm too wired to read or watch anything. Something's usually bothering me, or I'm thinking about so many things at once I can't focus on one at a time. When it becomes too much, I pull up my trusty blog and go to work. Tonight is one of those "too many at once" nights. I think I like these nights the most because there's no telling what I'll write about. Maybe I'll talk about the Marine, or my insecurities, or maybe I'll touch on several things briefly. Whatever my mind comes up with, I suppose.

Tonight I'm thinking about the Marine. I've started all the contact so far. I usually wait two or three days in between texting sessions, then start up a random conversation and see where it leads. Sometimes we flirt, sometimes we just talk. He's never texted me first though. Which is probably a sign that we're not on the same wavelength, and he knows it. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm into him. But it's not a psycho "love me or die" kind of interest. I'm not going to alienate myself from everyone and go into a depressive funk if/when he rejects me. Sure, I might cry a little. Okay, I'll probably cry for at least five minutes. But then I'll be okay and we'll be friends. Well, I'll try to be friends. I'm not very good with that. Once I'm rejected, I tend to want to stay away from that person for as long as possible, and only interact enough to be polite when we're forced together at social functions. But I'm hoping that, because everything with the Marine has been different from any other time I've tried my hand at catching a boyfriend, this time will be different. He's a really nice person, and I want to talk to him more, even if we're not compatible.

I guess we're both up tonight, because we're texting one another. I started it, of course, but talking to him about nothing too serious or specific makes it all better. We're both writers, it turns out. But I'd NEVER let him read this blog. Dear Lord, think of what would happen. And if he got his hands on my poems? He'd never speak to me again, I'm sure of it. Too bad I didn't keep any of my short stories. I'd love to show him one or two of those. I wrote one about these high school students...it was probably one of the best things I've written. Like ever. And I think some of my rants are worth Pulitzers. But he writes Quentin Tarantino stuff, apparently. Unfortunately, asking to read someone else's writing is apparently very rude, or else I'd jump all over that.

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna ask him right now.

...

Well, we'll see what he says. That's another thing about me. I'm sure none of you are shocked to find out that I'm a very curious and nosey person. I would say it's because I love the pursuit of knowledge, but I really just want to know what everyone's hiding, be in the middle of it all. I love puzzles and mystery shows, because I can't wait to see the big picture. I want to know how it all turns out, and I want to watch it all unfold. If I was just a little more popular when I was in school, I bet I would've made a GREAT gossip.

I guess it's all for the best that I kept my nosey nature hidden until I solidified my friendships. Now I have true friends that like me because of who I am and have come to accept my curiosity with fond eye rolls and artful shut downs. Really, my friends are very good at keeping what they don't want me to know away from me. Sometimes they don't include me because they know it drives me crazy. It's really a great setup.

Anyway, about this flirting thing. I'm trying very hard to flirt with the Marine, but also trying to build a solid friendship with him. I think the friendship is taking root more than the flirting is, but there's time for that yet. My brother tells me that friendship is the best route to go. Friendship comes first, and if the chemistry is there the flirting and dating will come after. I've chosen to believe him, hence the texting every two or three days and trying to keep the conversations short and not too personal.

It seems that blogging and texting the Marine has finally turned my brain off enough for me to get sleepy. So I bid you all adieu, and I hope you like my ramblings. I sure have fun writing them.

Goodnight, sweet readers!

Boredom Blogging

Well, I HAD plans, but I think those just fell through. I invited the Marine out for that drink we never got to have together. He said maybe, but we're texting now and I...wait...just got confirmation that we will not be seeing each other tonight. He's spending the night with his family, playing games. I guess if he has to cancel, that a good reason. But seriously, the fact that he spends so much time with his family makes me weak in the knees. I LOVE family men, and he is definitely that. He talks about them all the time, and has spent most of his time with them since his discharge from the Corps. Gotta love it.

I'm not upset, strangely. I thought I would be, but I'm smiling.  This is the first time I've ever been happy after someone cancels plans. Perhaps this is a good sign of things to come. I already trust him more than any other man I've met. It's weird. I can't stop thinking about him, but not in a sexy way. I'm excited to get to know him better. And perhaps, way WAY way into the future, I could meet his family. I know he's really close to his little brother, and I do love adopting other people's families. It's become a hobby of sorts, I guess.

One day I'm going to get the Marine alone, and we're going to be able to talk and get to know each other without the threat of anyone there trying to monopolize the time of one of us or separate us. It will be wonderful, and then these posts will be less rambling and more...substance, I guess.

Sorry this post was so awful. I know it's not one of my best. Bear with me please. I'll get better, promise!

Sweet dreams, readers!

So I Did This Thing

Where I was a super douche to my family on Saturday. I don't know why. We were all at a dealership helping my brother buy his new car. We stayed there for almost four hours, so maybe that was it. I got absolutely nothing done that I wanted to, and I was hot and irritable most of the day. Then my brother and I got into a fight about the Marine. It was mostly my fault, and I apologized, but he didn't. I've learned that I just can't talk to him about the Marine. I used to go to a friend of mine and use him as a sounding board. He helped me organize all my thoughts, which I then took to my brother in an effort to keep him from becoming frustrated with me. When I told this to my brother he seemed to get upset with me, like he felt sad that I wanted to talk to someone else before I talked to him. But when I tried that on Saturday we fought. So I'm just going to go to someone else with my ramblings about the Marine. It will be better for everyone, I think.

Anyway, the Marine and I had a fun, flirty text conversation Saturday night. It was really sad, because I took flirting tips from Steven's 19-year-old girlfriend. Granted, she has had many more boyfriends than I, but it just felt weird to me. So we're sitting in a restaurant eating mini twice baked potatoes, and she's feeding me all these sugary lines to text the Marine. I felt like vomiting because of all the cute. I don't really do cute. I'm straightforward, to the point, and have never caught a boyfriend that way. Lo and behold, the cutesy shit actually worked. The Marine kept responding, even flirting back. It was quite interesting, because I've never flirted successfully with anyone. He was drunk, so I'm not sure if that had any effect on his flirting with me. Perhaps his inhibitions were lowered because of the alcohol and he didn't see the harm in flirting with someone, even if he didn't really find that person attractive.

He calls me sweetheart; did I mention that? It's a problem for me, because that's THE name I want my boyfriends to call me. I've never told anyone that, and he's not doing it to light me up. It's part of his culture, I think. Either way, I get tingly whenever he calls me that. He hasn't actually said it to my face though. I can't imagine how I'd react if he ever did, let alone if he flirted with me while sober. I'd probably melt into a puddle of sexual frustration because I refuse to forfeit my morals and have sex with him without dating him. This moral compass is a serious cock block.

Anyway, my point is the Marine is a really sweet, attractive guy that I kind of want to kiss all the time. It's problematic because I'm getting all these mixed signals. He's into me, then he brings a girl to our get togethers. He flirts with that girl, but simultaneously cock blocks the boy I'm flirting with. Now he's flirting with me, but I don't know if he's just responding to my flirting to be polite. I've been assured by many that boys don't do that, but I'm not sure. Maybe there are some that just want to let girls like me down gently.

Also, the Marine apparently likes really skinny girls. I'll never be an underwear model, but I could stand to lose some (a lot) of weight. I went walking/running today using that Zombies! Run app. It was really interactive, and gave me that extra thing I needed to take my mind off everything except working out. After I completed my mission, I spent some quality time in my hot tub. After I got out I showered and changed into my comfiest jammies. I feel happier, almost definitely because of the endorphins. You know, I was working out for a few weeks, then I stopped for some reason. It's good to start up again. I can already feel my confidence level rising a little. And once I lose a substantial amount of weight I might finally get that date I've been angling for.

Well I'm going to bed because I'm TIRED. Mentally and physically, I think.

Ta, loves.

An Emptiness Rant

Have you ever felt like nothing was going on in your life? Like, nothing is happening with you and everyone around you is doing great things. I use the word "around" relatively, because almost everyone  I hang out with in Texas is having lots of sex or getting shit-faced every other night off cheap tequila or beers that other people buy them. See how I slipped that in there? The person buying the beer is me, guys. And I hate beer, so I'm paying $4 a pop for someone else to have fun. I should quit being so nice, I guess.

But anyway, the people I went to college with are all getting married or found their dream job or joined some organization that will boost them for jobs or got accepted to grad school. And I'm applying for low-level retail jobs while I get my teacher certification for Texas and not getting any callbacks. To fill the time I'm cleaning house and cooking. I'm not joking. I made gumbo today that had four pounds of shrimp in it. I think it was a hit.

I feel like I'm not doing anything of importance. I'm sure my family appreciates the cooking and the cleaning, but nothing I'm doing is going to help me get a job. And I've applied for a few jobs, but nothing has come in yet. And my loan payments are going to start soon. Also, my hamster has a cancerous lump on the side of his body and it will cost over $100 to operate on him. I don't think it's worth it to pay $100 for an invasive surgery on a small animal that cost me $15. So I've made Carmichael (the hamster) as comfortable as I can, and we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks.

It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something's coming, and I can feel it, but I'm not sure what it is. I'll keep you posted on how the next few days turn out. You never know. I might finally get that boyfriend I've been waiting for since I was a junior in high school.

Well. I'm going to watch some more of The West Wing.

Peace out!

I Have That Feeling Again

Where I feel like I'm being ignored by people I thought liked me. I know I'm not the best person in the world, and I'm a really good friend to a few people for sure, but that number is smaller than I thought it would be.

One of my best, and I mean best, friends just graduated. I spent two days in a car with my family to come watch her and my cousin graduate, and we're in the middle of our two day trip back to Texas. We stopped in Oklahoma, right in the middle of the severe thunderstorms warning area, and I had a chance to take a bath and ruminate on some things. Back to this best friend I was talking about. So her family made shirts for her graduation. They're toxic bright orange and have a picture of her on her first day of kindergarten printed right in the middle of the shirt. They're super cute. So her family ordered a shit ton of these shirts to wear to Iowa and to give to her closest friends. My brother and I, who up until last night thought that we were her best friends too, did not get shirts, surprisingly. So there were a ton of people wearing these shirts, some that I know for a fact aren't as close as we are to her, and we were left out. She claims that her mother had already ordered the shirts when she found out we were coming, but I call bullshit. It's never a good feeling when you and all these other people band together to do something for a mutual friend, only to realize at the last minute that you haven't been included in the plans.

So there's that. Then there's the fact that some people I know have taken to going places without me. You know, as in everyone but me is invited? I guess I need to take the hint. I didn't think I was such a bad person to be around, but apparently I was wrong. It's not like I've been super nice and forthcoming with them. They aren't my best friends by any means, and sometimes they annoy the piss out of me. Sometimes I'm not very nice to them. But it always hurts to realize you've been excluded, even from something as trivial as a girls' trip to Austin.

You know, I'm really tired of feeling worthless. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to. And I know people who love me and admire me and think I have worth. But those few people who don't think to invite or include me always seem to overshadow those people who include me. And to have all this exclusion topped off with an exclusion from a person who I thought was my best friend is the icing on the shitty cake, my friends. Sorry for the cliche. It seems I'm not in a creative mood tonight.

I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now, probably because I'm tired and want to go home and am having some hormonal turbulence. And I'm sure it won't be that big of a deal tomorrow, but right now it hurts. I want people to like me. I want people to think I'm a nice person and fun to be around, and I don't know how to do that. Being myself obviously doesn't have the effect I was hoping it would. Instead of being included, I'm the red-headed stepchild in the corner nobody wants to talk to. I just wish I knew what these people don't like about me. That way I can have a reason to be angry and to tell them to fuck off because I refuse to change myself to fit their shallow image of who I should be. I want to feel that self-righteous anger that often fuels my rants. I handle anger a lot better than disappointment and exclusion. I was never popular in school, and I don't think I'll ever be the type of person that lights up a room with just my presence. But I thought that I'd finally found people who wanted to be my friend for no other reason than to hang out with me, but I can't seem to find any willing to do even that.

I'm going to bed. It's getting late and I'm fucking tired of feeling like a piece of shit, especially because I know I'm worth a lot more than this crap.

Goodnight readers.

Off To A Graduation Tomorrow

That time of year has come around again. I've been to two graduations so far, and I have one more to go to. The first graduation weekend happened at the same place. Once at 7 p.m., and the second the next day at 9:30 in the morning. This time we're trekking all the way to Iowa for my cousin's graduation and my best friend's graduation as well. Thankfully they happen at the same time. That's one of the many benefits of going to a small college. There's only one commencement ceremony.

I've been getting closer to my pastor lately, and he and I have had some really good conversations. He's such a sweet man, I guess, because I've been talking to him, the need for blogging has gone down a bit. I promise I'll update later with a more in-depth description of what I've been up to the past few weeks. Tonight I'm going to go to bed and pretend that everything is okay, and my family is not falling apart.

Goodnight friends.

I Felt Weird Last Night

Kind of like something was about to happen, but I didn't know what. I was really restless, kept tossing and turning and rearranging my sleepwear. I finally fell asleep at 4, but I woke up at 10.

I found out that a member of my church had passed away early this morning. We weren't best friends, but I remember when he and his wife joined the church. He always told me I sang like an angel and called my brother "Little Bill" because he looks so much like my dad.

I'm going to miss him.

So I Just Graduated.

I mean, I really graduated sometime in the beginning of February, to be honest. I walked early, last May to be exact. But I finished all my qualifications for my degree in the middle of April, even though I finished my student teaching at the end of January. I was being a lazy fuck. But I got my diploma, and I framed it, and I don't know what to do with it. I keep picking it up and looking at it, touching it and recalling all my memories of Graceland, etc. What one typically does immediately after one receives a diploma, I assume.

Anyway, all I need now is a job, and I'm set for officially beginning Life After College. Which is really scary, let's be honest. I've always been in school, or on break from school, or preparing for school. It's always been school. My life has been scheduled around school for the past 17 years. 17 YEARS. And I met my brother, suffered through my first heartbreak, found my passion for music and teaching, met my best friends for life, and so many other things while I was in school.

When I think about it, my life has been shaped by school. It's that solid wall you lean on when you need to stop and catch your breath, the one you've been counting on to support you for as long as you can remember. And now that I'm not in school anymore, it feels like my wall has been shattered as easily as glass. I don't have that constant in my life anymore, and as happy as people are to leave school behind, I'm the complete opposite. I don't know what the world has in store for me, and I don't like that feeling. My life is so fucked right now, and I don't need another crisis to work through, honestly.

I mean, from any other perspective my life is nothing to scoff at. I've got parents who love each other and have stayed together for decades. They love me unconditionally and have been willing to support me while I try to find a job. They're in a position to support me, which is an even bigger blessing. I can stay at home while I work to pay off my student debt, only have to pay for my leisure activities, and have all the freedom of an adult living in their own residence. My parents have officially become the coolest roommates a new graduate could hope for.

But I'm so mixed up on the inside. There's only so much outsiders can help with, and my friends help as much as they can, even though a few of them are also graduating from college and therefore have their own worries. They're patient with me as I go over the shambles I've allowed my romantic interests to become thousands of times, foolishly expecting the outcome to be different, though I haven't tried to fix anything. I'm unsure as to what I want to do, because my lifelong goal to become a teacher suddenly feels wrong. Maybe I'm a little wobbly without having a goal to work toward. I'll have to find something else to work at, I guess. I've got severe body image issues that I'm trying to eradicate, because I'm beautiful and someone will recognize that and want to keep me forever instead of use me and lose me. And I have to tell myself that every day or else I'll feel even worse than I already do.

All these little things are so insignificant to others, but they take up most of my day. I escape from them by reading and playing games and doing housework (which is very relaxing, come to find out), anything I can think of to keep my mind engaged. I've also been writing more, as you can tell, which helps me work through the problems that keep me up at night. The ones that I can't silence through eating or listening to music.

I'm also going to watch four people that are important to me graduate in the span of two weeks, one friend I've had since I was three, one friend I met in college and quickly became best friends with, one friend I met through Steven, and my cousin. My church is losing its choir director, who I've become close with. She's assured me that I can come visit her in Montana any time I want, but it won't be the same. She's directing the singing group for my New York trip though, so I'll get to see her for that. Everyone's moving on, changing, and I've never been good with change. That's probably where this irrational need to cry is coming from.

I feel better after writing this, I think. At least sleep will come easier. OH! And I also went to a wedding this past week. Last Saturday, actually. It was a Mormon wedding, so I didn't actually get to see the ceremony. You have to be worthy to enter the temple (i.e. a member of the Mormon church), so we got to see the ring exchange and attended the reception. I knew the groom from high school, and I can honestly say I never pegged him as the first of his group of friends to get married. He's younger than I am, and though I've never been interested in him sexually, my face has been less than six inches away from his dick at least twice. NO JOKE. He used to whip it out all the time. He was not embarrassed by much, if anything. So weddings always make me feel moody because I don't have a boyfriend, and that only added to my "change is coming" mindset to blend my emotions into this deliciously dark and self-pitying cocktail that has inspired most of this blog post.

Damn, I hope I can pull myself out of this funk soon. It gets sad thinking about poor old pitiful me. I also did some reflecting on my past relationships. I've never had sex with a guy, but I DID have sex with a girl. My brother had a giant crush on her, but she wanted in my pants, so much so that she stooped to lowering my inhibitions with alcohol so she could make her first move. The summer after I graduated from high school we snuck around, taking drives to make out in my truck and waiting until my brother went to bed to make out at my house. I had reservations because I felt like I was screwing my brother over. In hindsight, I really was being awful to him. I knew how he felt but I did it anyway.

Moving on. So the night finally came, and we were in my bed, halfway to having legitimate, no holds barred sex. I stopped it and said that I didn't want this to be a one time thing. I wanted whatever we'd been doing all summer to manifest itself into a relationship. She was on board, all, "Oh yeah, baby, that's what I want too. I've been trying to get you to admit you have feelings for me all summer. Relationship. Totally. Now, could you lift up a bit? I need to get your shirt off." So we continued, and the whole time I felt really guilty because my brother was literally two doors down from me. After, we curled up in bed and talked about how awesome we were going to be as a couple. I asked her to wake me up before she left in the morning so I could walk her out, say goodbye, be a good girlfriend, etc.

I woke up at noon, totally alone in bed. She'd left without saying goodbye. A week went by, and she didn't answer my text messages and calls. When I finally got ahold of her, she was distant. I told her I was still having reservations about entering into a relationship with her and hiding it from my brother. She agreed, said, "Yeah, I don't think a relationship will work between us. That was more of a...one-time thing, you know?" So she did exactly what I told her I didn't want her to do. And then she walked out of my life and we never spoke again.

Well this was really personal. Anyway, that's it. That's the whole sordid story. My dealings with that girl almost destroyed my relationship with my brother. He didn't talk to me for almost an entire year. I'm not kidding. He left the house, went to friends' houses, invited them over, did everything he possibly could to keep from spending time with me. And when he couldn't get out of spending time with me he stayed as far away as he could. I don't blame him. But we eventually mended everything, and it's better than it was before the girl, truthfully. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

So, this blog became more personal than I ever thought it would. I'm going to bed for fear of me spilling any more embarrassing details.

Night loves! xx

THERE'S THIS THING I GOT IN THE MAIL

THAT SHOWS MY EFFORTS WEREN'T WASTED FOR THE PAST 4 AND A HALF YEARS.

IT'S MY DIPLOMA GUYS. I FUCKING GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!

AND I'M TOO EXCITED TO FUNCTION RIGHT NOW, MUCH LESS BLOG IN ANYTHING BUT CAPITAL LETTERS. I WILL UPDATE LATER, AFTER I'VE PROCESSED THE FACT THAT I'M REALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE EXPERIENCE.

HERE'S A FUCKING PICTURE.

OH MY LORD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME THE STRENGTH TO PUSH THROUGH THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IN COLLEGE AND COME OUT OF IT WITH A DEGREE.

I'M GONNA GO DRINK SOMETHING.

I Promised A Longer Post, So...

I'm here to fulfill my promise!

So, we're all good. We went suit shopping and Dylan found his suit. I already have my dress. It's a deep pinkish red, like a coral color. It has a chest decoration, which I have fondly renamed boob art, that looks like an angry tribal man, and I'm wearing sandals that my mother says make me look like a peasant woman. I'm partial to quirky peasant women and their style though, so I'm not mad about it. We're going to a wedding on Saturday. One of Dylan's high school friends is getting married and I'm his plus one. I do enjoy weddings, though this is only my fourth one. Over the next two years, however, three of my family members are getting married, so I think I'll get my fill of them.

Last Thursday was a lot of fun, surprisingly. As some of you might know, last Thursday I went out with some friends to a karaoke bar that I've grown less fond of every time I go there. It was another birthday type thing for Steven's girlfriend, so I was obligated to go. I actually met a new friend! He's a work buddy of the GF, and I was warned that he was a little weird. I didn't think he was though. He may have been scared by my personality though. I don't think I made a very good impression, which saddens me. I was hoping to make more of a connection. So I call him a friend but, really, that might just be an immature phrasing for our established connection. Maybe we're just acquaintances, or one time conversationalists. We had some pretty good conversations though. I wouldn't be opposed to more conversation opportunities with him.

Anyway! He was cool. I was a little confused by some of the actions of the other party guests though. Like the fact that a certain person kept looking at me and inserting himself in the conversation between me and my new conversation partner. Also the looks he kept giving me while we were at the bar. Like, it was a look a few shades darker that polite interest. He definitely wanted to do or say something, but he didn't. He just turned to his guest and talked to her. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. It's quite possible that's what's going on, given my propensity to make mountains out of molehills. True politeness is so rare in this society that some people mistake it for flirting. We've been trained to believe that no one will be polite to us unless they are inferior to us in some way, usually by being younger than us, or they like us in a more than friendly manner. True gentlemen are few and far between, I'm afraid. So it's possible this dude was only being polite and trying to circulate through everyone, giving them all equal attention.

Overall, the party was a success. The weirdness came after the party was over. I think I did something to piss everyone off, which is quite possible. If so, I'm surprised it's only just happened. Everyone's been ignoring me or sending vaguely bitchy text messages. I didn't feel well on Friday, and turned in super early. I'm talking around 8:30 or 9:00. But the GF wanted to hand out and I didn't feel up to it so I told her so. Apparently she'd had a really crappy day and wanted to talk it out, and my refusing her was just another steaming pile of bullshit. So I think she's upset with me. It doesn't help matters that the only other time she's talked to me is today, after I told her I'd been in an accident. You're kind of obligated to talk to someone when they've been in an accident, let's be real. If someone tells you they've been in a car accident and you don't respond you're kind of a raging douchebag. So that's the weirdness.

In other news, tomorrow I'm taking my last test for teacher certification. If I pass it I'll officially be licensed to teach! Also, my neck is killing me. It's gotten worse over the course of the day. It's understandable, considering I bore the brunt of the force of impact. So I'm going to the doctor for it tomorrow, and we'll see how it all goes. I'm going to go to sleep now. I have a big test tomorrow, after all.

Goodnight!

My Neck Hurts For Two Reasons

One, because I slept on it strangely last night and now there's a crick in it.

Two, because I just got into a car accident with my brothers. And by that I mean I was in the car with them and someone hit us from behind. I was in the backseat, so I got glass all over me. And I mean all over. It was in my underwear, all down my pants legs, in my hair, and a few shards got embedded in my arm. I'm not bleeding, they're just little fragments that I keep finding and pulling out of my skin.

We're all okay. I should have said that earlier. I guess the biggest concern is me because I was the closest to the impact. The door on my side even buckled, so I had to climb out the other door. I'm in shock a little, and I'm sure the crying and shaking will come later. But for now I'm fine.

We still have to go shopping for a suit, which I will explain later. But right now I'm going to check on my brothers and we're going to go eat a shit ton of food, because surviving a car crash apparently makes up hungry as fuck.

I just had to blog about it. It seems that blogging calms me down and helps me process things. And for all of you who are out there reading...thanks. It's nice to know someone cares, even if I've never met any of you.

Kisses, friends.

I Guess I'm In A Mood

I've blogged for three days in a row. Three. That never happens to me, ever.

I guess I just don't want to let y'all down. Or I just want to talk and this is a good way to get it all out. So one of my friends told me I was boring, right? She said that I'm a "safe" option for most men, which is a fancy term for boring, as it turns out. She said that I won't attract the attention of any man because I'm too inexperienced and don't have a lot of fun.

First, fuck you. Second, you don't know me. You don't get to tell me what I am and am not. Unless you yourself have a crush on me, there is no possible way for you to size me up because you don't think that way. And I SWEAR TO GOD if you tell me that you don't "swing that way" one more time I'm going to punch you in the face. I don't have a crush on you. Ew. Quite honestly, your douche bag boyfriend has a better chance getting into my pants. And he's not even on the list.

And I reject the belief that I won't find an attractive, caring man unless I whore myself out to the first guy who looks twice. I will find a man who likes me for me and is also willing to wait until I'm ready to be physically intimate. I'm not saying wait until marriage; just wait until I'm ready. There's a guy out there who's like this. And I'm going to find him.

Also, my suspicions about the Marine's outlook toward relationships right now were correct. He's looking for a vagina to stick it in, not a girlfriend. So I wish him all the luck in the world. May he receive as much ass as he can handle, and may he grow tired of one night stands and look my way when he wants something a little more serious. If not, it's his loss.

It seems that I get tired when I blog. Maybe that's why I've been blogging so much. I'm tired at the end of each post and just snuggle up in bed and pass out after I hit the publish button. Anyway, I'm really upset that this friend, if I can even call her that, thinks I'm boring. My brother is ready to punch her for being rude to me, and he likes to make fun of her trying to give me advice. He said that changing the way I act will attract men like this friend dates, and I'm seriously better off without all the extra attention if that's all I'm going to get. He says I'm better than anyone I've ever met, especially this friend and her boyfriend, and I deserve better than what this backwoods area of Texas can give me. He's sweet.

Also, I've been invited to sing at Carnegie Hall for Memorial Day Weekend 2014. Yes, THE Carnegie Hall. I think I'm going to do it. It's not something I'll get invited to do again, I'm sure. Plus, NYC is one of my secret loves. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Okay, I'm going to bed before I work myself up and can't sleep. I have a birthday celebration to go to tomorrow. It's one of those all day things, and the Marine could very well be there for part of it. So I need to be coherent enough to remember what I do to embarrass myself and report it all to you for your enjoyment, my dear readers.

Kisses!

In My Haste To Assure Myself Of My Hotness...

I forgot to mention how Saturday went. Or what Saturday was, actually. I forgot to mention a lot of things, it seems. So here goes. And it's pretty stupid on my part, so prepare yourself.

So Steven has a new girlfriend. Steven, of course, is the guy I talked about a lot in the beginning of the blog posts. So Steven has a new lady friend. She's pretty cool, considering that she's only just 19. Turned 19 on Monday, actually. Saturday was kind of her birthday thing. Anyway, she was supposed to come over with Steven, her friend, Steven's friend, and the newly retired Marine I keep talking about that just happens to be Steven's best friend since he was in the second grade, apparently. Now, most people would be smart enough to stay away from friends of former crushes but I, being so smart, looked over that little rule. Steven called me and asked if the Marine could invite a lady friend of his own. Ooh. A snag in the plans! Because you know how I feel about the Marine, or how I'm trying to not feel. Trying to be his friend first, and all that. That's working out well so far.

I got off task. So now the Marine wants to bring a friend. I'm not stupid enough to pass this off. I know this is a person of interest for the Marine. So I say yes because, hello, friends first (which was super hard, let me tell you. I was super pissed that God called my bluff and threw in someone new). They are an hour late, so I leave my hot tub on for an hour longer than I should have. But they get to my house and we start partying accordingly. It's super low key all night. The Marine entertains me with all his talk of the service, and the Marine's friend talks about her stint in the army. It's all good.

Until Steven's girlfriend gets upset because she wants to go home and she doesn't feel good, but Steven is having too much fun to notice, and the GF doesn't want to take him away from his friends. But she gets categorically madder with every laugh and smile Steven lets loose. Soon she's crying and refusing to talk to him, but making a scene. So I comfort her as best I can, effectively becoming a third party observer. Which I love, because it always works out fine for me. So I spend the rest of the night keeping the GF company and alienating myself from the rest of the group. Which is a problem, because the Marine is in the hot tub with Steven and everyone else and I just want to be part of the fun, but the GF is refusing to partake in the fun.

Eventually she gets so worked up she asks my brother to take her home. So she tells Steven she's leaving. He gets upset because this is the first time he's heard she wants to leave. And he should have been paying attention to her, yes, but she removed herself from the main action in an effort to get him to chase her. That obviously didn't happen. So now he knows she's upset, and he gets out of the hot tub and goes to talk to her. My brother has officially had enough of her shit, so he goes inside and asks me to tell him if the GF needs him to take her home. She and Steven talk for damn near 20 minutes, and when they come back into the backyard she's all smiles and hugs and a complete 180 from earlier. Did I mention she was 19, and prone to dramatic teenage mood swings?

While they are having their talk, the Marine asks me if everything's okay. It's kind of assumed at this point that we're the liaisons for our respective people. He can tell something's up and he gives zero fucks, kind of like me at this point. After the lovebirds return to the hot tub, the party comes to an end. It's midnight, so it's been a good six hours since they all first arrived. They all help me clean up, then go their merry ways and promise to come back and do this again. I message the Marine and give him my phone number along with an open invitation to come back with his family any time, because that's what pools are for. He says thank you and promises to take me up on the offer when sumer officially starts.

Now the whole night the Marine was a perfect gentleman, introducing himself to my mother and brothers with handshakes, being an amiable bartender and a great conversationalist. We kept making eye contact all night. It was a little awkward and a little cute that it happened so often. I mean, I caught him, he caught me, we looked at the same time. It was fun. But I also know that he wants to put his dick wherever he can, and I'm sure he's noticed that I'm a relationship kind of girl. So nothing came of that mess. I was so afraid of being caught out by him, Steven, the GF, or any other person there. Apparently I was good, and no one noticed anything out of the ordinary. Which is good, because I was trying really hard to ignore him at some points.

So the important parts of the story that you need to remember are that I'm trying and kind of failing to keep the relationship between the Marine and I strictly friends with no pesky feelings in between, getting annoyed by the GF and her immaturity, and realizing that maybe I'm not what the Marine wants in a woman.

I refer to him as the Marine, because even though I've asked for comments and such, no one has commented! So I don't know who's reading this and I don't want to name names. Looking back on Saturday, I guess it wasn't as bad as I initially thought it was. It could have been better, but it was an overall good night. I just got really tired of the drama and all the bullshit it entailed. Hopefully the next time we all meet it won't be as full of potential to turn into a shit storm.

Well it's late, and though I have more to write I will save it for another blog post. Maybe by the time I blog again I'll have seen the Marine and will have another embarrassing story to tell.

Ciao, darlings!