Tonight's Been Interesting

I upset my brother, and I really didn't mean to.

We have this new rule that we're trying to all abide by, and it's really hard because it's almost second nature for us to call people this one word. And it's been a pet peeve of mine for forever, but I finally  told my brothers and now we're trying to fix it.

But it caused a lot of ripples because it comes out like a reflex sometimes and when I tell them not to call me that word (it's bitch, for anyone who's curious) they can get a little frustrated.

Well it frustrated my brother tonight because he thought I was upset at him, but I wasn't. I was just trying to remind him of the new rule. That sparked a very long discussion about several things, and ended with a fight.

I didn't want to fight with him. Sometimes he says things that just light me up, and tonight was no exception. I'm sure I said what he told me I said two years ago. Two years ago I was an awful person, and I said awful things. The thing to take away from it all is that I don't mean them now. I say a lot of stupid things when I'm angry, and I wish I could take them all back. I'm looking for the quickest way to get the fastest reaction, and sometimes I fight dirty. Anyway, I didn't want to have the conversation so I ended it.

He's a big proponent of talking it out, and I'm a big proponent of letting it settle and coming back to it with civil heads. That causes clashes, naturally. So I walked away and it infuriated him. It's never a good idea to start arguments when alcohol is involved, and the discussion we were heading into definitely shouldn't have been breached at midnight. It's simply just too fucking late.

We've been fighting a lot this week. I really want it to stop and I'm not sure how.