WHERE IN THE WORLD HAVE I GONE?

Nowhere.

Juuust super busy and all that jazz.

I promise I will write some more later, but here's an update!

Today is my birthday! 25 years old, one quarter of a century, more than halfway to 40. No boyfriend yet (shocked, I'm sure), great students in class.

I love my job! It's so fulfilling, and I couldn't do anything else, of this I am sure.

That's all for now. I just took a five minute power nap at my computer. Time for bed!

Laters.

Charles Persall

Mentor. Teacher. Friend.

That's what Charles Persall was to me. I loved every minute of every class I took that he taught. He provided me with a little slice of Texas when I was in Iowa at school. He knew my family, so he was someone I could talk to.

Charles Persall was a great man, and he was taken from this earth too soon. I miss him profoundly. My sadness feels like a living thing, pressing on the back of my throat. The sorrow is so real it feels like vomit on my tongue, waiting to be purged from my body.

The worst part is I'm not in Iowa to help support the family that supported me through my college years in Iowa. I want so badly to be there, but my job, and the annoying fact that I haven't been paid yet for that job, keeps me in Texas.

Sometimes it doesn't feel real. I forget that he's gone, and when I remember again, the grief feels like it will overwhelm me. It physically hurts to think about it, but it's all I can think about at times.

I knew I loved Charles Persall, but I'd forgotten how much he helped me and how much I learned from him. Knowing that he's not here anymore has unlocked those memories, and I can see parts of his teaching in my classroom when I'm teaching my students. Things he taught me influence me even now, and I know he visits my classroom.

The day Charles passed, a problem student in my classroom actually worked, and he was respectful and didn't act like he wanted to shoot me, which was a major improvement. I like to think that Charles was there, whispering in his ear, telling him to cut the shit and give me a chance.

Words cannot express how much I loved him, and how much I'll miss him. I didn't see him often, but when I went back to Graceland in the past, he was always there. I don't know what Graceland will be without him there, and knowing that he'll never greet me with a smile and a hug again will be the hardest part of going back.

Charles, I hope you're having one hell of a party in heaven. Keep it real up there, and I'll see you again.

I'm Baaaack!

Back from the wedding, and ready for a friend from Pennsylvania to visit tomorrow! She's flying in at 11:50 pm. As in 10 minutes before midnight. Yikes! I'm going to bed early so I can stay up for that, but first...

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. The bride was gorgeous, the groom was handsome and so grown up, and the reception was bitchin'. We danced the night away, and got up early to trek back to Texas. Watching my cousin get married brought me to tears. When they got engaged I knew they were going to get married eventually, but in the back of my mind I kept picturing my cousin as a little boy, and never faced reality, you know? The second he stepped out and turned to face us, waiting for his bride, reality hit me and I started bawling. It didn't stop until the ceremony was over, and it started up a few times during the reception. This is my baby cousin! And now he's all grown up, married, ready to start a family. I couldn't be more proud of him.

I caught the bouquet when the bride threw it. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm next. If that's true, then the next wedding is a ways off. I don't even have a potential boyfriend yet, let alone a serious prospect for marriage. I'm not even sure I have time for that right now, with my new job and my church responsibilities. I'm still trying to juggle all this stuff, and I can't add anything else to the pile.

I have all these thoughts in my head, and it's like I can't get them all down in a coherent manner. When I was in Iowa I got to visit two of my best friends. We watched a movie, then spent the next day in Des Moines, visiting all the old haunts. It was wonderful to see them again. I heard that the fourth member of our best friends quartet has gone off the reservation a bit, turned against one of our group, and is trying to get the rest of us to turn against her as well. That's really sad for me, because it's clear who's going to be forced out, eventually. Our fourth member is upsetting the group in a major way, and if she doesn't stop I can see the two in Iowa shutting her out. I'm still going to try to be friends with her, but it's sad that the friendship dynamic we had in college won't survive.

Speaking of nostalgia, I discovered that I'm happy living in Texas as opposed to Iowa. At first, my heart felt like it was split between two states. After visiting again, however, I found myself missing Texas more with every passing day. I'll always cherish my college memories, but I'm not the person I was in college. I can't go back and fit into that dynamic anymore. I've outgrown it, and I'll always love Iowa and the experiences I've had in it, but that's not where my home is now. This trip really helped me settle down in Texas. There's more to do here, and all my family is here, and I want to raise my children here. Iowa will always be a fun place to visit, but it's no longer home.

And I think that's all for me, folks. It's been an emotional week. I've cried a lot, reminisced, and faced reality. All this without any extra sleep, too. My body needs to recharge, I think. So I'm off to bed early.

Goodnight!

Wedding Time!

That's right, folks! My cousin is getting married on SATURDAY. We're all packing and getting ready to leave tomorrow in the early early morning before the sky's awake. It's only to Iowa, but it's still a pretty hefty drive.

I'm really happy for my cousin. Like, really happy. He found the perfect girl who doesn't put up with his shit and loves him more than anyone else. He's completely devoted to her. It's sweet, really. I'm a little sad that my younger cousin is getting married before me, but it's whatevs.

After going through my last three blog posts, I realized that maybe I'm not as over the Marine as I thought I was. Which is totally cool, because these things take time or whatever. I still haven't talked to him, and I'm expanding my friend pool. I'm also super busy with Vacation Bible School. I'm the director this year, and our theme is a carnival. So there's lots of planning to do, and I've been keeping pretty busy. I want this part of my life to be over. I'm ready to move on from the Marine.

Weddings always make me feel really happy and also really sad because I want to get married too, but first I have to find a guy/girl. It's taking longer than I thought, but then again so did finding a job. The perfect one came along eventually, so I guess the same principal goes for finding love. Also, I've heard it's like the old adage, "A watched pot never boils." I have to quit forcing it and let it happen naturally. I've heard love happens when you're not expecting it. Saying I'm going to stop is a lot easier than actually stopping though.

My Mississippi family is in some trouble right now. One has cancer, and another has lost the will to live. One of my cousin's husbands has a whole slew of health issues that he's addressing. Finally, one of my college professors had a stroke, and when they went in to stop the internal bleeding, the hospital staff found cancer. So he's been knocked out by life's big ass fist. I really want all of them to get better.

That's all on this end, folks. Let me know what's going on in your lives.

I'm off to bed.

Ciao, lovelies!

Drunk Blogging #2

Or whatever. This might be number 3 or something. I'm so drunk. I've never been this drunk. Not even on my 21st birthday, and I was pretty drunk then. I'm not even sure how I'm doing this right now. I've had to go back at least three times to spell everything right. Make that four. I feel like I should spell long words now.

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Embellishment.

Onomatopoeia (Spell check took care of this one.)

God, what even am I doing?

I'm so happy. And sad. Why can't I get a boy to like me? I just want to make out with a cute boy or four. Really live my twenties, you know?

I'm probably going to regret this in the morning, but I wish the Marine had fucked me. I wish he'd had it in him to go that extra mile and not fall short on his promises. That would have been nice, being wanted sexually and finally making that leap. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. Oh well. I'll find someone. Or at least that's what my brother/friends think.

I really think I'm too drunk to process all this right now. I'm going to bed before I embarrass myself more.

Love y'all!

**Addendum: I did, in fact, regret this in the morning. Let this stand as a reminder to me that blogging when drunk is a no-no.**

Why Am I Such An Idiot?

If I complain and complain about something and insist that I'm not friends with these people anymore, but when I'm left out of plans I get my feelings hurt, and when I ask them about said plans and they lie to me I get my feelings hurt even more.

And then I get mad. That seems be my default mood recently. I do NOT have time to deal with this crap right now. I've got training for the next three weeks, a wedding to go to in July, and more training in August. It's going to be a very busy summer, and I don't want assholes who are fake to me to ruin it.

I wish they would be up front with me about it all. Being treated like a friend in public but excluded from all plans that don't involve my pool makes me feel worse than if they had just told me they didn't want to be friends anymore. And I don't think they're doing it maliciously, but I'm not important enough to them for them to invite me places. They'll invite my brother, sure. But me? Not so much.

I'm angry at myself for letting them upset me like this. I wasted my time angry at them, when I should have been swimming without them, taking tons of pictures and not giving a flying shit about anything they wanted to do today. Some backstory for you: These two fuckers wanted to come over and swim today, which my brother and I were down for. Then Roosevelt (my brother) mentioned in passing a party that the fuckers invited him to at the Marine's house. They did not invite me, I'm assuming at the Marine's request, and it upset me. When I asked one of the fuckers about said party, he lied right to my face. Well, my phone, cause we were texting. After I flipped out, I uninvited the fuckers, went to get ice cream, cleaned my room, and went swimming anyway. There was a healthy dose of crying in the mix because, you know, hurt feelings.

I'm sure they're all having fun at the party. I enjoyed my day of swimming, reading, and movies more than I probably would have hanging out with the fuckers and getting ready for a party I wouldn't really want to go to anyway. Beer and washers isn't my thing. I'm all curled up in my freshly laundered sheets, watching a favorite movie of mine. I know it's unrealistic, but why aren't more men like Edward Cullen? Aside from the vampire thing, of course. A guy who's completely devoted to you, loves you more than reason allows, and wants to protect you at any cost? Not a bad deal in my opinion.

I wouldn't be like Bella, but I'd like an Edward in my life. I'm afraid all the men in my life are turning into assholes. Time for some new faces.

I'm off to bed. I have a big day tomorrow, after all!

Guess What I Got?

A JOB. A FULL-TIME JOB LIKE THE ADULT I AM DAMMIT!

That's been brewing for I don't know how long. Glad I got it off my chest.

Annnnywayyyy, how ARE my sweet, silent readers? Anything interesting happen while I was away? No? Nothing? I find that hard to believe. When y'all get over your fear of comments, tell me what's new in your lives. Love to hear it.

Next, I'm not sure at what point I left off in my horribly cliché story about me and the Marine, but I'll finish it out to the best of my ability. I'm sure you're dying to hear about it. Well, we tried that whole flirt on the phone thing, sending naughty things to one another, then he pumped the brakes and said it was because there was too much drama going on. Flash forward a few weeks to a month (can't remember, it feels so long ago), and we start it up for one steamy night of desperate pleas for dirty pictures on his end and hesitance/annoyance on my end. We just started talking again can you keep it in your pants for one night so we can have a normal conversation oh my GOD please stop sending me pictures of your dick seriously dude?

So the next day his Aunt passes away and he doesn't know when he'll be free because he's got to hang out with the family for a while. That same day he goes bowling with some girl, let's call her Jay. Surprisingly, he spends almost all week with this Jay person. He even documents it on Facebook so it pops up in my feed. How nice of him. They have cute dates at her house, and she goes to family parties with him. Lovely.

I seek advice from my brother Roosevelt, who is a fucker to girls he dates as well. Roo tells me that the Marine is a smooth operator, much like himself, so he's going to have four to five different girls. A phone girl, a date girl, a fuck buddy, a family functions girl, and an indefinite number of "other city" girls. Sometimes a girl can be more than one category. Sometimes a category can have more than one girl. (**I should state that this is all my brother's point of view and should not be taken as fact, but as opinion.**)

After reviewing the facts as I laid them out, Roo determines that I am the Marine's phone girl and an other city girl. He's perfectly content to talk to me on the phone and ask for pictures of my snooch, but that's as far as he wants it to go. No dates, no fun nights in the sack, none of that ish. Just texting, pictures, and the occasional phone call if it can't be avoided.

You all know me. You know that's not how I roll. I'm in it to win it, okay? And I hate being lied to. He's not busy with family stuff. He's off chasing another girl! Which, okay. I don't have dibs or anything, but he could at least be up front about it, you know?

"But Cathryn, that's not how these guys operate. It's all a big web of lies, misleading statements, and avoidance of the problem."

Well self, he just needs to get over that shit, cause I'm an adult and I want an adult partner, dammit!

So he told me he'd call when he was free, and I took him at his word. It's been a month now, and I haven't heard anything. He's been making all sorts of plans on Facebook, and there's a party at his place or one of his sisters' places every other week, it seems like. I guess it's not that big of a deal for him. He can always find another phone girl.

I'm really proud of myself for not cracking and contacting him. To be honest, I haven't thought of him too much this past month. I mean, yeah, I'm writing about it, but I haven't been sitting by my phone, waiting for him to text me. I've been out interviewing, working, GETTING A BIG GIRL JOB, and having fun with my brother Roosevelt and his BFF Darion, who is like another little brother for me. I usually break first and try again to make plans when someone blows me off, but not this time! Now that I have other things to worry about, this doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. So he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, who cares? I'm probably better off without him, and I'll find someone more my speed. Parties aren't really my scene anyway, and that's all the Marine seems to want to do.

On another note, my friend of 21 years is in Massachusetts for the summer for an internship. So proud of her, but missing the things we usually do in the summer, like get lunch and watch movies at the theater, our annual Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter marathons, and picking a show to watch together. That and drinking and playing Domino Train and Jenga and King's Cup and Smart Ass and Scattergories. My brother Dylan is also on an internship in a small town 6 hours away from home. Proud of him as well, but the same things also apply, since he's usually with us when we partake in the aforementioned activities. My friend pool went from 8 to maybe 3 to 5, depending on what day it is and who's working, so it's a big change.

Welp, I've got an absolute bitch of a headache, so I'm going to bed. I'll be on later, and sooner than the last time. It's been a busy year, friends.

 Night all!

Everything's Going...Well

It's.

It's strange, is what it is. I can't remember the last time I had such a good few days. First, I had a good time at the March Presbytery meeting. I learned a lot, and discovered new connections everywhere.

Second, I started to build rapport with the 6th graders at the school I work in.

Then I won a contest for a free trip in this pilgrimage I learned about recently but was worried I wouldn't be able to afford.

Next, I had a good night tonight. It wasn't mind-blowing or anything. Just a time of fellowship at my church, some good food, and some great company. Also I learned that my dog's recovery from ear surgery is proceeding successfully. She had to stay another night, but I'll see her tomorrow.

Everything is going well. My life isn't being changed dramatically or anything, but I find I'm satisfied with the way I feel at the end of every day. I'm accomplishing things. I'm taking charge of my life. I'm enjoying life and working with the youth of my church, as well as those at the school in which I work.

I still don't have a boyfriend, shocker. I've pretty much given up on The Marine. He's still doing the same things he's done since the last time I saw him. I think it was in October or November. It's hard for me to remember, it's been so long. I gave his Christmas present to my brother Roosevelt, threw away the card that went with it, and opened the puzzle I got for his brother. It was a really cool puzzle too. He would have liked it. But when your older brother starts blowing me off for no reason and making no attempt to see me, I can't give you your present. Oh, well.

The guy my adopted brother's cousin was trying to set me up with didn't pan out so well either. Apparently, this guy has some issues of his own he needs to work out, and Phyllis was glad she held off on introducing us. She's going to wait until his life gets more under his control, and then see where we both are relationship-wise.

I'm just so content with life right now. It's a strange feeling. I usually always have something to rant about. And I'm sure if I tried hard enough I could find something that really grinds my gears. The thing is...I don't really care. Sure, I've got some annoyances. Everyone does. Everything else in my life is going really well for once. The good outweighs the bad for the first time in a long time, and I want to bask in that feeling for as long as I can.

Welp, off to bed I go!

Ta, loves.

Decisions, Decisions

So. If any of you don't know, I am on my church session. It's the governing body of the church. We recently had a church potluck, and a bridal shower right after it. The people who set up the bridal shower were supposed to be there at 1:30 to set up. They showed up at 12:30 while the potluck was in full swing and started to take down decorations. Even though they were an hour early, we still cleaned up and got out of there by 1:30.

The next day the church office got calls about how poorly the people were treated and how we didn't keep our end of the bargain, blah blah blah. Apparently they said they would never rent our facilities again. Given how they left everything, I don't think that's a bad thing. They used our kitchenware, tea carafes, and ice bowls. When one borrows something, one usually cleans it and puts it back. Not so with this group. They just left everything out for someone else to clean it up.

When the church session had a meeting, we implemented a new policy so that this kind of thing never happens again. We also sent an apology to the people who hosted the bridal shower, returned their deposit, and informed them of the new rule we were going to implement to avoid any future problems. Sounds peachy.

Except.

These people who rented the hall? Yeah...it was my aunt and her entourage. So when she got the letter, guess what? I got a Facebook message. Not from her, oh heavens no. From my uncle.

Uh, I have a working cell phone. So does my mom, who was also there because she's on the session too. We have a landline as well. So WHY did the contact medium have to be Facebook? And from her husband, no less.

Anyway, they want to know if I was at the session meeting. I haven't answered yet, because if I do I know it will start a shit storm. Also, our pastor told us to let this go and let it die. It seems my aunt has taken offense to this, however. I'm not surprised, given how angry at me she's been for the past year or so.

My dilemma is this: do I honor my familial responsibility or my spiritual one? If I honor my promise to my pastor, it will cause discord amongst my family. If I honor my dedication to my family, I will be on the outs with my church. And if I do nothing...

Well I don't know that part. I think I'll wait until morning, when my mother is awake and we can discuss this together.

Thanks for reading my rant, readers. It really helped me sort out my mind before bed.

Night!

Spring Break!

It's Spring Break, lovelies! Well, it is for me. Some of my Iowa friends are still at school, because their Spring Break is next week.Anyway, today marks the middle of our Spring Break week, and we spent it like any other trio of siblings who are all 21 would: with board games and LOTS of booze. My brothers were so drunk; it was hilarious.

For some reason, I didn't feel like getting drunk. I drank until I was buzzed, and then I stopped. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, because Lord nows I can drink and be sloppy drunk. Tonight was just not that night for me. We started out playing Scattergories, which turned into Dirty Minds, then Jenga, and finally devolved into a singing party. I taught Roo and Dylan how to perform Cups, which they did remarkably well at considering how drunk they were. We recorded some videos, had a grand old laugh,  and wrapped the night up before the topics got too serious. Drunk people have a tendency to talk about things they wouldn't talk about sober, and this family has too many skeletons to start that trend. It's happened a few times before, and nothing good ever comes of it.

So now we're all tucked away, hydrating ourselves, and preparing for a new day. Or some shit like that. I've once again got all these thoughts spinning around in my head and need to get them out before I can sleep. There comes a time in every twenty-something's life when the way things have always been become boring and the quest begins to find something...more, I guess. One minute, you're having a blast being young and drinking like your liver will never give out. There's parties, significant others galore, and being in love with the world as an adult. Then the next phase hits you. It happens so slowly you don't notice it until, suddenly, you don't enjoy it anymore. You have to work, and pay bills, and stop drinking so much because alcohol is expensive and you can't afford to be hungover the next day in case your boss comes by and wants to talk to you about the most important thing ever. So you have to form new habits, and those new habits lead to wanting something more because your old life isn't fulfilling anymore.

That's where I find myself now. I want more out of life. I want to get a full-time job teaching, have adult friend that go out and do things or spend time at each others' houses, grow closer to God, find someone to spend my life with, and settle into being an adult. I want to make peace with my demons and help my brothers make peace with theirs. Drinking all night is no longer fun for me. I don't want to lose control, or drink my problems away.

Tonight my brother accused me of thinking him an alcoholic. In his state, there was no point to arguing with him. He was drunk rambling, and though what he said about me and our mother was hurtful, making him feel bad about it would get us nowhere but in the middle of a fight. I agree that our mother is a bit much, and she can be a bitch, but I still love her fiercely and that will never change. Nor will the urge to defend her when I feel that the shit talking ahas gone on too long or it's taken too far. We all talk bad about our parents, but if they've raised us right we still love them. So I get protective of Mom even though I talk shit about her too.

My brothers also talked to each other about how our mother favors me, which I find to be untrue. It makes me feel bad when they say things like "You're the perfect child," and "Don't hurt the delicate roses's feelings, or Mom will get mad." None of that is true. Tonight it was, "Cathryn can do all sorts of bad things, but she can never be an alcoholic. Mom would never say that about her."

I think the only reason Mom talks to me more is because I'm the only child who fits in her box of what she expected. Dylan was a late addition to the family, and Roo is a trans-gendered homosexual. Both of them are still working on degrees, and Roo doesn't want to stay in college. It's not his thing. I graduated high school, went to college, graduated, and started looking for a job. I've been working toward my dream for years, and I finally got there. That's what Mom expected from all three of us, which is bullshit. What worked for me doesn't work for Roo, and Dylan's life was derailed when his biological mother died. He's putting it back together as best he can, and doing a great job of it. Mom has to realize that her children are unique and will get to their dreams like I did, just not in the same way. Having said that, she does love us unconditionally. She's just trying to cope with being jobless. After almost 25 years of loyal service, to be fired from your job has to be awful. I'm sure she feel like she has no purpose right now, and she's trying to find the new normal for her. Just as she needs to be patient with us, we need to be patient with her.

Does any of this make sense? I've been writing in spurts because my brother has been vomiting. He had a little too much to drink and felt the repercussions. I think both of my drunk babies are sleeping now, though. It's 2:15 in the morning, so I think I might go to bed as well.

Not what you expected when you looked at the title, huh?

I hope you all have/had an absolutely amazing Spring Break, and I'll catch y'all on the flip side.

Peace out.

Lent Time!

So today, as many of you might know, is Ash Wednesday. We've had our time of frivolity and excess for the past few weeks of Mardi Gras. Now is the time to settle into our 40 days of remembrance of the Good Lord before we celebrate his glorious defeat of death at Easter.

The popular thing to do at Lent is to give something up in repentance for our unworthiness of grace because we continually turn our backs on the teachings of the Lord. I have always had a really hard time giving things up. Also there's that pesky task of choosing something. And if you successfully choose something, is it something that will be hard for me to give up or am I going without something I never do/use anyway so I can say I gave something up and make myself feel important.

A lot of people I know give up dessert or social media sites. They give up drinking caffeine or alcohol. Some of them give up their gaming consoles for the season. Other people will give up something they do maybe once or twice a month so they can say they gave something up but don't have to struggle, which is what many believe this season is about.

In the past few years, I have tried and failed to give up cursing, chocolate, and masturbation. I know, that last one threw me for a loop. It was when I was going through a rough patch of my eternal dry spell, and it was an activity I'd been engaging in on a daily basis. So I figured what the hell, I'll try it. I think I lasted a week and a half before I cracked. As you can tell, I don't have the bet willpower, and my choices were relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

This year I've decided to take something on. Instead of giving something up, I am going to try to channel the essence of Jesus' works on earth and try to make people feel loved. I am going to write/call one person every day and tell them how grateful I am that they are part of my life. I'm going to help strangers, hug sad people, and try to spread the light of God's love through the world. I think that's a better use of my time than giving up chocolate.

This topic has been weighing on my mind, and I know I haven't really talked religion on here before, but I wanted to put it out there.

So there you go. If you're having trouble giving something up, maybe you should take something on instead. And if you want me to send you a card or call you, just put your info in the comment section below. I'm still waiting for that day when y'all decide you want to talk to me.

I'm not mean, promise. I don't bite...

...Hard.

Ta, babes!

I'm A Poet!

I've been writing poetry for a few years now. I only have a handful of poems, but I'm pretty proud of what I've written so far. Here's an example!

“What is Love?”

Love is like a rose?

Trite bullshit.

Love is an obstacle course in the dark.

On the first date, you’re excited.

Sweat dots your palms and threads through your hair.

The beginning of the race is promising.

You both like Skillet and RED. This will be easy.

You move forward, promptly tripping

Over the bricks embedded in the grass.

You said you hate Fight Club.

He got through his depression watching it.

You recover, brushing off your ass and trying to save face.

“Fight Club actually isn’t that bad.”

You reach the first hoop. It’s hanging

Just over your head.

“Tell me why you’ve been hanging out with so many guys.”

You find a ladder, climb it, and jump through the hoop to safety.

“I was trying to pick out the perfect Christmas present for you.”

Confident, you strut forward.

There is another hoop, “Can we watch the game tonight?”

And another after that.

“Do you love me?”

It gets harder as you go along.

Your arms are tired and your legs are burning.

Next comes the maze.

You try to move from one end to the other

Without running into walls, but

They pop up everywhere.

“Your mother hates me.”

“I don’t want to go out tonight.”

“It’s your birthday? I totally forgot, babe. I’m sorry.”

The maze’s end is just ahead.

You careen out into the night, bruised, scratched, and bleeding.

The course stretches endlessly ahead.

You don’t have the answers.

You can’t get through unscathed.

There is no easy route.

Et voila! It's not much, but I'm proud of it. If you have any criticism, feel free to keep it to yourselves. I hope you've all had a great week. Mine has been fantastic so far, and I hope it continues in that vein. I'll hit y'all up later!

Kisses, my loves.

Happy Late V Day Babes!

I've been so damn busy lately it's all I can do to keep myself awake before 10.

But I hope you all had a marvelous Valentine's Day, as I did. I gave candy valentines to all my students, who were appropriately ecstatic. My life has been improved greatly since I started working at my school. I've made connections with students from 1st to 9th grade, and I've discovered a passion for 4th grade in particular.

I've got actual grown up friends and they have grown up interests that complement mine. We can talk and do grown up things. I participate in school events and everything. I could have celebrated Mardi Gras for free on the island I work on, but since I'm sick I decided to stay home this year.

That's another fun thing no one tells you about. Your immune system gets a huge ass kicking because of all the little people germs. Since I have the pleasure of working with little kids and big kids, who each have a unique set of germs, those germs have collided and formed what I call the Super Germ, which has caused me to catch an Upper Respiratory Infection three times in the last six months. This last time they gave me a Z pack, which was supposed to knock it out. My immune system has taken a beating, though, so now I have this pseudo cold and it's been in my system for a week.

Now I'm taking a slew of supplements and vitamins to boost my immune system and get this thing out of my body. Vitamin C, B-12, Airborne, and some Nasal flushing system that my pastor swears by just might do the trick to get it all out. I'm looking forward to the day that I don't have this cough anymore.

All is unchanged in my love life, for those of you who want to know. Still no dude, still getting iced out by the Marine, still too busy to worry about it much. Even though it's only 10:06 here right now, I think I'm going to bed. I keep making writing errors, and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Until next time, my loves.

I Have Adult Friends!

I finally have some friends from work. Real, adult friends that act like adults and want to hang out at adult places.

I'm so excited right now. I've always wanted teacher friends that are exclusively mine and understand my work stories.

They're both men, one 29 and one 33. One's married, one is in a common-law marriage and has a son. One grew up in Houston, the other in California. One of them has some SICK tats. Like, classic tattoo art, all over his arms. It's super hot. Not that I'm into him, but I can appreciate his beautiful body art and acknowledge that I've discovered a new turn-on.

Anyway, we're all going to get together for a drink sometime soon and talk about stuff other than school for a change. It's all new and exciting and still being processed, so this won't be a long post.

But I wanted to let all of you know I'm alive and doing well. Still not dating anyone, but I'm coming to terms with it, I think. Besides, I'm so damn busy I can't find the time to focus on it anyway.

I'll write more later, my loves.

Happy Reading!

My Life Goals

I never did get around to writing that one post about what I want to do with my life. It's all been about my problems and my insecurities and all the wacky shit that I get myself into.

For starters, it would be really awesome if I could get a job in a real classroom as opposed to just flitting from one room to another. Being a substitute is awesome and all that, but I'd like to decorate my own space, you know? Set up my library and all that. I've always wanted to be a teacher because I wanted to spread my love of reading to others. I'm seeing now that perhaps I can pursue another line of work, though I'll have to wait a few years. Since my mother lost her job, I've become conscious of what I owe for my college education and learned just how expensive school can be. I'm thinking I want to get my Master's Degree in Special Education eventually, but I also want to become certified to teach Social Studies and possibly become a librarian or counselor. I'd like to try my hand at administration eventually, as well as get my Doctorate in Shakespeare. So there you have it. Everything I want to do with my life career-wise. I think I just want to make a difference. I want my life to positively impact others and help them grow and shine.

I grew up with a big family. Like, HUGE. But my Mom only had two kids, and my Dad had two from a previous marriage. My Mom had five brothers and sisters. My Dad had two sisters, but lots of extended family. I grew up surrounded by family. I would like to give that to my children someday. I want to marry someone who loves me because of and in spite of who I am. Who thinks I'm not perfect, but perfect for him. Who wants a family too, and is willing to give our children everything. Who will let me name our children because I've had names picked out for years. Who will let me have the wedding I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl, right down to the color scheme and first song we'll dance to. I want to have two or three children I can spoil and teach to love reading. I want to give my parents grandchildren and watch them love my children just as much as they love me. Most of all though, I want to marry someone who will disagree with me and make me think, never let me have the easy way out, love me fiercely and without any hesitation, and become my best friend.

I want to travel to every state in the US, Canada, Italy, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, France, Russia, Germany, and Jamaica. I want to go to every Disney Park in the world. I want to build my own house with a room dedicated to books. Go riding on horseback down the beach. Renew my wedding vows on a beach in Hawai'i. Go to concerts. Save someone's life. Read a book a week. Meet Julie Andrews and Angela Lansbury. Cook a five course meal for twenty people. Throw an old-fashioned ball and wear Belle's gown.

I also want to party too hard, learn to play the piano and guitar, and record a CD. Maybe sell it to a few people. And I want to retire into some old library that smells like old paper and read by fires with hot cocoa. I want to write more poetry, and go on nature hikes. I want to lose weight, build my relationship with God, go on spiritual retreats, and take a moment each day to marvel at the awesomeness of Him.

Right now I want to go to sleep. Thanks for bearing with me on this post.

Ta, loves.