Boredom Blogging

Well, I HAD plans, but I think those just fell through. I invited the Marine out for that drink we never got to have together. He said maybe, but we're texting now and I...wait...just got confirmation that we will not be seeing each other tonight. He's spending the night with his family, playing games. I guess if he has to cancel, that a good reason. But seriously, the fact that he spends so much time with his family makes me weak in the knees. I LOVE family men, and he is definitely that. He talks about them all the time, and has spent most of his time with them since his discharge from the Corps. Gotta love it.

I'm not upset, strangely. I thought I would be, but I'm smiling.  This is the first time I've ever been happy after someone cancels plans. Perhaps this is a good sign of things to come. I already trust him more than any other man I've met. It's weird. I can't stop thinking about him, but not in a sexy way. I'm excited to get to know him better. And perhaps, way WAY way into the future, I could meet his family. I know he's really close to his little brother, and I do love adopting other people's families. It's become a hobby of sorts, I guess.

One day I'm going to get the Marine alone, and we're going to be able to talk and get to know each other without the threat of anyone there trying to monopolize the time of one of us or separate us. It will be wonderful, and then these posts will be less rambling and more...substance, I guess.

Sorry this post was so awful. I know it's not one of my best. Bear with me please. I'll get better, promise!

Sweet dreams, readers!

So I Did This Thing

Where I was a super douche to my family on Saturday. I don't know why. We were all at a dealership helping my brother buy his new car. We stayed there for almost four hours, so maybe that was it. I got absolutely nothing done that I wanted to, and I was hot and irritable most of the day. Then my brother and I got into a fight about the Marine. It was mostly my fault, and I apologized, but he didn't. I've learned that I just can't talk to him about the Marine. I used to go to a friend of mine and use him as a sounding board. He helped me organize all my thoughts, which I then took to my brother in an effort to keep him from becoming frustrated with me. When I told this to my brother he seemed to get upset with me, like he felt sad that I wanted to talk to someone else before I talked to him. But when I tried that on Saturday we fought. So I'm just going to go to someone else with my ramblings about the Marine. It will be better for everyone, I think.

Anyway, the Marine and I had a fun, flirty text conversation Saturday night. It was really sad, because I took flirting tips from Steven's 19-year-old girlfriend. Granted, she has had many more boyfriends than I, but it just felt weird to me. So we're sitting in a restaurant eating mini twice baked potatoes, and she's feeding me all these sugary lines to text the Marine. I felt like vomiting because of all the cute. I don't really do cute. I'm straightforward, to the point, and have never caught a boyfriend that way. Lo and behold, the cutesy shit actually worked. The Marine kept responding, even flirting back. It was quite interesting, because I've never flirted successfully with anyone. He was drunk, so I'm not sure if that had any effect on his flirting with me. Perhaps his inhibitions were lowered because of the alcohol and he didn't see the harm in flirting with someone, even if he didn't really find that person attractive.

He calls me sweetheart; did I mention that? It's a problem for me, because that's THE name I want my boyfriends to call me. I've never told anyone that, and he's not doing it to light me up. It's part of his culture, I think. Either way, I get tingly whenever he calls me that. He hasn't actually said it to my face though. I can't imagine how I'd react if he ever did, let alone if he flirted with me while sober. I'd probably melt into a puddle of sexual frustration because I refuse to forfeit my morals and have sex with him without dating him. This moral compass is a serious cock block.

Anyway, my point is the Marine is a really sweet, attractive guy that I kind of want to kiss all the time. It's problematic because I'm getting all these mixed signals. He's into me, then he brings a girl to our get togethers. He flirts with that girl, but simultaneously cock blocks the boy I'm flirting with. Now he's flirting with me, but I don't know if he's just responding to my flirting to be polite. I've been assured by many that boys don't do that, but I'm not sure. Maybe there are some that just want to let girls like me down gently.

Also, the Marine apparently likes really skinny girls. I'll never be an underwear model, but I could stand to lose some (a lot) of weight. I went walking/running today using that Zombies! Run app. It was really interactive, and gave me that extra thing I needed to take my mind off everything except working out. After I completed my mission, I spent some quality time in my hot tub. After I got out I showered and changed into my comfiest jammies. I feel happier, almost definitely because of the endorphins. You know, I was working out for a few weeks, then I stopped for some reason. It's good to start up again. I can already feel my confidence level rising a little. And once I lose a substantial amount of weight I might finally get that date I've been angling for.

Well I'm going to bed because I'm TIRED. Mentally and physically, I think.

Ta, loves.

An Emptiness Rant

Have you ever felt like nothing was going on in your life? Like, nothing is happening with you and everyone around you is doing great things. I use the word "around" relatively, because almost everyone  I hang out with in Texas is having lots of sex or getting shit-faced every other night off cheap tequila or beers that other people buy them. See how I slipped that in there? The person buying the beer is me, guys. And I hate beer, so I'm paying $4 a pop for someone else to have fun. I should quit being so nice, I guess.

But anyway, the people I went to college with are all getting married or found their dream job or joined some organization that will boost them for jobs or got accepted to grad school. And I'm applying for low-level retail jobs while I get my teacher certification for Texas and not getting any callbacks. To fill the time I'm cleaning house and cooking. I'm not joking. I made gumbo today that had four pounds of shrimp in it. I think it was a hit.

I feel like I'm not doing anything of importance. I'm sure my family appreciates the cooking and the cleaning, but nothing I'm doing is going to help me get a job. And I've applied for a few jobs, but nothing has come in yet. And my loan payments are going to start soon. Also, my hamster has a cancerous lump on the side of his body and it will cost over $100 to operate on him. I don't think it's worth it to pay $100 for an invasive surgery on a small animal that cost me $15. So I've made Carmichael (the hamster) as comfortable as I can, and we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks.

It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something's coming, and I can feel it, but I'm not sure what it is. I'll keep you posted on how the next few days turn out. You never know. I might finally get that boyfriend I've been waiting for since I was a junior in high school.

Well. I'm going to watch some more of The West Wing.

Peace out!

I Have That Feeling Again

Where I feel like I'm being ignored by people I thought liked me. I know I'm not the best person in the world, and I'm a really good friend to a few people for sure, but that number is smaller than I thought it would be.

One of my best, and I mean best, friends just graduated. I spent two days in a car with my family to come watch her and my cousin graduate, and we're in the middle of our two day trip back to Texas. We stopped in Oklahoma, right in the middle of the severe thunderstorms warning area, and I had a chance to take a bath and ruminate on some things. Back to this best friend I was talking about. So her family made shirts for her graduation. They're toxic bright orange and have a picture of her on her first day of kindergarten printed right in the middle of the shirt. They're super cute. So her family ordered a shit ton of these shirts to wear to Iowa and to give to her closest friends. My brother and I, who up until last night thought that we were her best friends too, did not get shirts, surprisingly. So there were a ton of people wearing these shirts, some that I know for a fact aren't as close as we are to her, and we were left out. She claims that her mother had already ordered the shirts when she found out we were coming, but I call bullshit. It's never a good feeling when you and all these other people band together to do something for a mutual friend, only to realize at the last minute that you haven't been included in the plans.

So there's that. Then there's the fact that some people I know have taken to going places without me. You know, as in everyone but me is invited? I guess I need to take the hint. I didn't think I was such a bad person to be around, but apparently I was wrong. It's not like I've been super nice and forthcoming with them. They aren't my best friends by any means, and sometimes they annoy the piss out of me. Sometimes I'm not very nice to them. But it always hurts to realize you've been excluded, even from something as trivial as a girls' trip to Austin.

You know, I'm really tired of feeling worthless. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to. And I know people who love me and admire me and think I have worth. But those few people who don't think to invite or include me always seem to overshadow those people who include me. And to have all this exclusion topped off with an exclusion from a person who I thought was my best friend is the icing on the shitty cake, my friends. Sorry for the cliche. It seems I'm not in a creative mood tonight.

I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now, probably because I'm tired and want to go home and am having some hormonal turbulence. And I'm sure it won't be that big of a deal tomorrow, but right now it hurts. I want people to like me. I want people to think I'm a nice person and fun to be around, and I don't know how to do that. Being myself obviously doesn't have the effect I was hoping it would. Instead of being included, I'm the red-headed stepchild in the corner nobody wants to talk to. I just wish I knew what these people don't like about me. That way I can have a reason to be angry and to tell them to fuck off because I refuse to change myself to fit their shallow image of who I should be. I want to feel that self-righteous anger that often fuels my rants. I handle anger a lot better than disappointment and exclusion. I was never popular in school, and I don't think I'll ever be the type of person that lights up a room with just my presence. But I thought that I'd finally found people who wanted to be my friend for no other reason than to hang out with me, but I can't seem to find any willing to do even that.

I'm going to bed. It's getting late and I'm fucking tired of feeling like a piece of shit, especially because I know I'm worth a lot more than this crap.

Goodnight readers.

Off To A Graduation Tomorrow

That time of year has come around again. I've been to two graduations so far, and I have one more to go to. The first graduation weekend happened at the same place. Once at 7 p.m., and the second the next day at 9:30 in the morning. This time we're trekking all the way to Iowa for my cousin's graduation and my best friend's graduation as well. Thankfully they happen at the same time. That's one of the many benefits of going to a small college. There's only one commencement ceremony.

I've been getting closer to my pastor lately, and he and I have had some really good conversations. He's such a sweet man, I guess, because I've been talking to him, the need for blogging has gone down a bit. I promise I'll update later with a more in-depth description of what I've been up to the past few weeks. Tonight I'm going to go to bed and pretend that everything is okay, and my family is not falling apart.

Goodnight friends.

I Felt Weird Last Night

Kind of like something was about to happen, but I didn't know what. I was really restless, kept tossing and turning and rearranging my sleepwear. I finally fell asleep at 4, but I woke up at 10.

I found out that a member of my church had passed away early this morning. We weren't best friends, but I remember when he and his wife joined the church. He always told me I sang like an angel and called my brother "Little Bill" because he looks so much like my dad.

I'm going to miss him.

So I Just Graduated.

I mean, I really graduated sometime in the beginning of February, to be honest. I walked early, last May to be exact. But I finished all my qualifications for my degree in the middle of April, even though I finished my student teaching at the end of January. I was being a lazy fuck. But I got my diploma, and I framed it, and I don't know what to do with it. I keep picking it up and looking at it, touching it and recalling all my memories of Graceland, etc. What one typically does immediately after one receives a diploma, I assume.

Anyway, all I need now is a job, and I'm set for officially beginning Life After College. Which is really scary, let's be honest. I've always been in school, or on break from school, or preparing for school. It's always been school. My life has been scheduled around school for the past 17 years. 17 YEARS. And I met my brother, suffered through my first heartbreak, found my passion for music and teaching, met my best friends for life, and so many other things while I was in school.

When I think about it, my life has been shaped by school. It's that solid wall you lean on when you need to stop and catch your breath, the one you've been counting on to support you for as long as you can remember. And now that I'm not in school anymore, it feels like my wall has been shattered as easily as glass. I don't have that constant in my life anymore, and as happy as people are to leave school behind, I'm the complete opposite. I don't know what the world has in store for me, and I don't like that feeling. My life is so fucked right now, and I don't need another crisis to work through, honestly.

I mean, from any other perspective my life is nothing to scoff at. I've got parents who love each other and have stayed together for decades. They love me unconditionally and have been willing to support me while I try to find a job. They're in a position to support me, which is an even bigger blessing. I can stay at home while I work to pay off my student debt, only have to pay for my leisure activities, and have all the freedom of an adult living in their own residence. My parents have officially become the coolest roommates a new graduate could hope for.

But I'm so mixed up on the inside. There's only so much outsiders can help with, and my friends help as much as they can, even though a few of them are also graduating from college and therefore have their own worries. They're patient with me as I go over the shambles I've allowed my romantic interests to become thousands of times, foolishly expecting the outcome to be different, though I haven't tried to fix anything. I'm unsure as to what I want to do, because my lifelong goal to become a teacher suddenly feels wrong. Maybe I'm a little wobbly without having a goal to work toward. I'll have to find something else to work at, I guess. I've got severe body image issues that I'm trying to eradicate, because I'm beautiful and someone will recognize that and want to keep me forever instead of use me and lose me. And I have to tell myself that every day or else I'll feel even worse than I already do.

All these little things are so insignificant to others, but they take up most of my day. I escape from them by reading and playing games and doing housework (which is very relaxing, come to find out), anything I can think of to keep my mind engaged. I've also been writing more, as you can tell, which helps me work through the problems that keep me up at night. The ones that I can't silence through eating or listening to music.

I'm also going to watch four people that are important to me graduate in the span of two weeks, one friend I've had since I was three, one friend I met in college and quickly became best friends with, one friend I met through Steven, and my cousin. My church is losing its choir director, who I've become close with. She's assured me that I can come visit her in Montana any time I want, but it won't be the same. She's directing the singing group for my New York trip though, so I'll get to see her for that. Everyone's moving on, changing, and I've never been good with change. That's probably where this irrational need to cry is coming from.

I feel better after writing this, I think. At least sleep will come easier. OH! And I also went to a wedding this past week. Last Saturday, actually. It was a Mormon wedding, so I didn't actually get to see the ceremony. You have to be worthy to enter the temple (i.e. a member of the Mormon church), so we got to see the ring exchange and attended the reception. I knew the groom from high school, and I can honestly say I never pegged him as the first of his group of friends to get married. He's younger than I am, and though I've never been interested in him sexually, my face has been less than six inches away from his dick at least twice. NO JOKE. He used to whip it out all the time. He was not embarrassed by much, if anything. So weddings always make me feel moody because I don't have a boyfriend, and that only added to my "change is coming" mindset to blend my emotions into this deliciously dark and self-pitying cocktail that has inspired most of this blog post.

Damn, I hope I can pull myself out of this funk soon. It gets sad thinking about poor old pitiful me. I also did some reflecting on my past relationships. I've never had sex with a guy, but I DID have sex with a girl. My brother had a giant crush on her, but she wanted in my pants, so much so that she stooped to lowering my inhibitions with alcohol so she could make her first move. The summer after I graduated from high school we snuck around, taking drives to make out in my truck and waiting until my brother went to bed to make out at my house. I had reservations because I felt like I was screwing my brother over. In hindsight, I really was being awful to him. I knew how he felt but I did it anyway.

Moving on. So the night finally came, and we were in my bed, halfway to having legitimate, no holds barred sex. I stopped it and said that I didn't want this to be a one time thing. I wanted whatever we'd been doing all summer to manifest itself into a relationship. She was on board, all, "Oh yeah, baby, that's what I want too. I've been trying to get you to admit you have feelings for me all summer. Relationship. Totally. Now, could you lift up a bit? I need to get your shirt off." So we continued, and the whole time I felt really guilty because my brother was literally two doors down from me. After, we curled up in bed and talked about how awesome we were going to be as a couple. I asked her to wake me up before she left in the morning so I could walk her out, say goodbye, be a good girlfriend, etc.

I woke up at noon, totally alone in bed. She'd left without saying goodbye. A week went by, and she didn't answer my text messages and calls. When I finally got ahold of her, she was distant. I told her I was still having reservations about entering into a relationship with her and hiding it from my brother. She agreed, said, "Yeah, I don't think a relationship will work between us. That was more of a...one-time thing, you know?" So she did exactly what I told her I didn't want her to do. And then she walked out of my life and we never spoke again.

Well this was really personal. Anyway, that's it. That's the whole sordid story. My dealings with that girl almost destroyed my relationship with my brother. He didn't talk to me for almost an entire year. I'm not kidding. He left the house, went to friends' houses, invited them over, did everything he possibly could to keep from spending time with me. And when he couldn't get out of spending time with me he stayed as far away as he could. I don't blame him. But we eventually mended everything, and it's better than it was before the girl, truthfully. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

So, this blog became more personal than I ever thought it would. I'm going to bed for fear of me spilling any more embarrassing details.

Night loves! xx

THERE'S THIS THING I GOT IN THE MAIL

THAT SHOWS MY EFFORTS WEREN'T WASTED FOR THE PAST 4 AND A HALF YEARS.

IT'S MY DIPLOMA GUYS. I FUCKING GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!

AND I'M TOO EXCITED TO FUNCTION RIGHT NOW, MUCH LESS BLOG IN ANYTHING BUT CAPITAL LETTERS. I WILL UPDATE LATER, AFTER I'VE PROCESSED THE FACT THAT I'M REALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE EXPERIENCE.

HERE'S A FUCKING PICTURE.

OH MY LORD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME THE STRENGTH TO PUSH THROUGH THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IN COLLEGE AND COME OUT OF IT WITH A DEGREE.

I'M GONNA GO DRINK SOMETHING.