Well Hey There!

Long time no see!

Sorry, I've been too busy not being a teacher for the summer and trying to find my new normal. Bullet points of what has happened since my last post:

*Went to Canada
*Got my wisdom teeth removed
*Grew closer to my brother's girlfriend, who is actually perfect
*Grown away from my other brother, who has a boyfriend

Oh! And also I started my Master's Degree program.

So it's been a good time so far, with the exception of my brother's absence. When his boyfriend went to staff a camp all summer, he vacated his apartment for the time. My brother took it upon himself to watch that apartment by moving in for the summer, though he claims he isn't moving in. I haven't seen my brother for week long stretches at a time, and today he was off, along with my brother with a girlfriend. We were supposed to go out for drinks tonight and reconnect, but brother with a boyfriend claimed he had a church meeting to go to. Except I was watching the DNC tonight and scrolling through Facebook, where lo and behold there is a picture of brother with a boyfriend and one of his friends posted 2 hours ago, and they are not in a meeting as I was told, but at that friend's house. So I feel betrayed and hurt.

There's no reason to lie about it. That's really what hurts the most. And obviously he's not any damn good at it, or I wouldn't have caught him. Why, oh why am I constantly being lied to?

Reflections Before Easter

so.

 I know it's been literally forever since I've been on here, and for good reason. My life has been turned upside down, and though I'm trying to make it all better, it's not working out for the best currently. You see, my dad died on March 1, almost a month ago. He finally lost his battle with Leukemia, and is in a better place, with no pain and lots of laughter. I'm happy that he's not suffering anymore, but I'm not coping well with his being absent from this world physically.

I forget. I forget he's not here, and when I want to tell him something I remember. And then it's awful for a few minutes until I do something to distract myself, and I forget again. My life has always been defined, in some form or fashion, by how my parents feel about what I do. Not in a bad way, though. I just try to remind myself how I was raised, and do justice to my upbringing. I've always been able to gauge how I'm doing by asking my parents how they feel about my decisions. I can't do that with Dad anymore.

Easter was always a favorite time of his. He loved our church service, the whole idea about rebirth and renewal, decorating no the blooming cross. All of it. I'm going to church for the first time since his memorial service, and I don't think I'm ready, but I want to try for Dad. I want to be renewed and revitalized. It' my first holiday without him. I always make egg salad out of the boiled eggs we cook, and Dad and I always fought over who got to eat more of it. This year we won't do that. I'm inundated with memories of Easter morning, and I want to focus on the happy memories instead of the crushing sadness of him not being here. However, first I have to acknowledge that this whole thing sucks. I don't want to be celebrating anything without him, but the very nature of life is that is eventually comes to an end. I knew in an abstract way that I would have to celebrate things without him eventually, but I didn't really think I would have to before I was 30 years old.

So now that I've acknowledged that it all sucks, I will try my hardest to remember what Easter is all about. Jesus, after spending three days in hell, rose from the dead to affirm to all his followers that he is the Son of God, and that there is everlasting life through belief in him and faithful service to  God. My father was a firm believer in Jesus, spent his life quietly dedicated to him, and is now celebrating eternal life in heaven. Tomorrow, I know Dad will be celebrating the glory of a risen Lord with Jesus himself. Knowing this, perhaps Easter will be easier for me to weather. After all, Dad is happy where he is, he's always going to be looking over my shoulder, guiding me in spirit, and waiting for me on the other side.

Love you, Daddy.

Because I Can't Sleep

I can't turn my brain off for even a minute to let it slow down.

All these thoughts are running through my head like whoa.

Both my brothers have found partners for what I hope is a long time. Good for them! They deserve to be happy.

I have successfully kicked out all influence of the Marine and the pastor's son on my life. Yay me! I deserve to be happy. And it's getting better every day.

Another person who shaped my life when I was at college is losing the battle with cancer. That six letter word. Dammit. 

Hospice has been called in. I'm not going to go see her, because though I love her, we aren't close enough for me to merit going to see her without it looking like my chance to cause a scene and cry at a tragedy that does not affect me the way it affects others. I love that woman, and she will always hold a special place in my heart, but I will do a disservice to her memory if I act like she's my surrogate mom. 

I feel for the family of this courageous woman who dared to fight that battle. She lost her husband a little over a year ago to cancer as well. She was diagnosed shortly after they buried him, and she's been fighting so hard, but it's almost time to rest now.

She will leave behind two daughters, one of whom is in her early twenties, and a son, along with a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and grandbabies who all love her and will never forget what she's done for them, or how much she loves them.

Graceland University will be forever changed when her light leaves this world to join her husband's. The skies will be brighter, but the joy in hearts around the world will dim a little. We will lose a truly wonderful person to the vilest thing on this earth, but we will not remember it that way. Instead, we will remember the laughter in her eyes as she carried out the duties of a job she loved. We will remember her smile to everyone who needed one, open arms to those who sought a hug, and kind words to heal those with bruised hearts. We will remember her and her husband as the fire they were, bringing happiness to all around them. And I will remember her as the home I needed when mine was so far away. I will not tarnish her memory by focusing on what took her away. I choose to remember her the way she way the last time I saw her: smiling, surrounded by love, and content. I pray she is all those things now, and that she leaves her strength behind to help those who will have to cope with her sudden absence.

Katie, I want you to know that though it seemed like the littlest thing to do, welcoming me into your house when I needed a reminder of home put me through college. Your husband's knowledge and wisdom and sheer goodness helped me pursue my dream. In so many ways, your family has touched my heart and made me a better person for knowing you. I pray that you know you are loved, remembered, and never truly gone from this place and those you love, because they will keep you alive long after your body is gone. Your legacy is love. You taught it to everyone you met, and we will all carry it on for you.

With humblest thanks and endless love,

Cat

I Did A Bad Thing

I snooped. My brother has been hiding something from me, and it's been driving me crazy for a few weeks. It's really hard to not notice how preoccupied he's been: constantly on his phone when he would hardly touch it before, very shifty about telling me who he's texting, being extremely catty as of late. It's not like he's not catty, but he's been an even bigger bitch than normal.

So when I just happened to look at his phone and see the name of a person I've never heard before, it intrigued me and simultaneously pissed me off in a major way. See, we share everything with each other. There are things we don't need to talk about (obviously) because that's just too much information. But the big things are always something we cover, because we love each other and that's the way it's always been.

I'm not saying my life is a shithole, because it's not, but it's not fulfilling for me, and my connections to my family and close friends are what make it all worth it. When something shitty happens at work, I can always fall back on those relationships to make myself feel better. One of my students is talking mad shit about me? I have friends that love me. My coworkers start excluding me and treating me like I'm the English department joke? My brothers will always help me through it. I don't even care if it's weirdly codependent. It's the way I operate. My brothers have ALWAYS told me everything, and I've always told them everything, and we support each other no matter what because we are family and we love each other. I have always been completely honest with them and told them the things I'm ashamed to admit in the light of day because I trusted them to tell me their things as well. And one of my brothers has done that. The other one? Not so much.

Last weekend, we went to see Crimson Peak (awesome movie) and he had absolutely no interest in talking to me on the way there. He was constantly on his phone, texting away to some unknown person.  This was a few days after seeing the name on his phone pop up, so I was already on edge because I'd given him several days to explain who this person was to no avail. So I created this story about how one of my friends was keeping something from me and I could tell and it bothered me. No response. So I started talking about how I've been working on my body issues, and learning how to love my body for what it is instead of trying to fit into unrealistic beauty standards of today's society.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I'm fat. I've always struggled with my weight and finding someone to love me the way I am so I can make myself believe there's nothing wrong with me. Of course, I now realize that I first have to love my body before I can ask someone else to love it. So I'm working on it. Some days I like my body. Other days I am not the happiest with it. Still, I'm making progress. I think I'm on my way to true body love and acceptance. Except when I think about men. I've been set up on a blind date with Navy man ( I KNOW. What is it with me and military men?).  And I really want him to like me because I think we have a lot in common and could really be compatible as friends if nothing else. He's 6'7" (!!!!!), and a nuclear physicist (!!!!!!). He likes anime and Pokemon and Harry Potter and a million other things I like, so I REALLY want him to like me, and I want him to be okay with my fatness. So even though I'm getting better with my body images, I've still got a long way to go.

Anyway, I told all this to my recently distant brother. I expected him to understand that I'm getting better with accepting myself, but that it's still a process and I'm really nervous about being accepted for me. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, not to him. He essentially said, "It doesn't sound like you're trying. You say you're working on accepting yourself, but at the first sign of trouble you go right back to being insecure. You say you love yourself, but your complaining that a guy might not like you because you're fat. You can't have it both ways. You need to get over it and try harder to love yourself." WHOA. Like, does he NOT get it? Instead of the support I expected, I got a get over yourself speech. A quit bitching speech. An I don't even pretend to care about you anymore speech. That floored me. And then he went right back to fucking texting whoever the fuck he'd been texting the whole car trip.

So I stewed about it all week. And he went out tonight, and I'd had ENOUGH of the lies. So I snooped. And I kind of wish I hadn't, but I'm really glad I did. Have you ever discovered a secret so big you can't contain it, but you know you can't talk about it with anyone? That's what I found. It explains a whole lot about the way he's been acting lately, and it makes me feel a little sorry for him, honestly. I didn't expect what I found to be what I found, you know what I mean?

I want to write it out so I know I'm really understanding it, but I know if I write it down, he'll see it. And no matter what I found, and no matter how wrong it is, what I did is also wrong. I recognize that wholeheartedly. I'm in a Catch 22 of sorts. No one can win in this situation.

If my brother is in fact reading this, I have something to say to him:

What you're doing is probably not a good idea. I know how devastating being alone can be, because I've been alone my whole life. Everyone I've ever wanted to be with either didn't like me back, was attracted someone I'm related to, or was content to string me along. That shit hurts. A lot. But what you're doing is not the answer to your problems, I promise. You will only hurt yourself, and him, in the process. Please walk away from this while you still can. I don't want you to get hurt because of this. Some of the choices you've made so far have already jeopardized your dream, and cost you more money than you have. Something like this will definitely ruin what little chance you have left to be who you want to be. Please, brother. Walk away. I'll be here for you.

Aaaaaand, that's it folks.

This Is Why Being An Adult Sucks

You can't throw temper tantrums when everything in your life goes to hell in a second.

One: my father has cancer. Yeah,  that sucks, and what's worse is that my mom is not handling it well. She waffles between being sad and being atomically pissed off at everyone, and she's been pissed a lot lately. Today she blew up over what we were having for dinner, so my brothers and I eighty-sixed that motherfucker and we stayed out of the house for hours. When we got home she was asleep, so we dodged that bullet for the night. I'm sure we'll have to deal with it tomorrow, but at least we have a reprieve for now.

Two: work is upon me once again. I'm pretty excited about a new year and new students, except for the part of me that is still sleeping in bed past 10 a.m. and doesn't want to change into real clothes. I had to start setting up my classroom, and it was not what I wanted to do this week. I've also bought a ton of things, so my bank account is not the happiest place right now. 

Three: money does not grow on trees, so I can't do everything I want. Like move out of my parents' house without being strangled by apartment rent on top of loan payments, or travel to places not in the U.S.

Four: boys are still turds. This one dude just can't not prove me wrong every time I stand up for him. He is interested, but he doesn't come through. He doesn't want drama, but allows himself to almost be suckered into a pregnancy trap because he believed her when she said she was on birth control. Then he's not interested in any type of relationship, but his ex-girlfriend is moving in with him. And he doesn't want to hang out now because he's afraid he'll be tempted to kiss me or try to sex me, and I deserve better than that, especially from him (his words). Oh, but he's also in a relationship with his ex (now current) girlfriend again, and has been for a year. But he's not ready for a relationship and he's been flirting with me for a month. And when I finally garner up enough lady balls to ask him if he's in a relationship, he replies with an affirmative, to which I respond that I am not a homewrecker and apologize for flirting with him, because I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS DATING ANYONE BECAUSE HE'S NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. So he stops texting me.

Like, what? All that happens in the span of a week, maybe, and I'm supposed to keep it all together? Why can't I scream and kick and throw myself on the ground? When did it become unsuitable for adults to release the tension in their bodies with a good, old-fashioned, screaming fit?

Ugh.

HEY THERE

Hi, remember me?

Yeah, I figured you didn't. Well, I'm not dead. 

School is out for summer, and I cannot explain to you the beauty of having nothing to do. I haven't been awake before 10 in five days. I'm trying to fix that, but sleeping in is too delicious to give up just yet.

I went to the doctor today. This weird rash on my leg? Yeah, it's eczema. I have to keep it well moisturized for three weeks.

I'm going on a mission trip to New Orleans this Sunday. In order to protect my newly diagnosed skin, I have to wear big, long socks that cover my legs when I work. I will be the most attractive person there, obviously.

Dad still has cancer. I can't remember if I wrote something about that, but...yeah. The big C has entered the building. He's doing very well though, so it's not too hard right now.

My sisters from Dad's first marriage came for a visit, long with their children and their children's children. I got to play with three children under the age of 6 for a week, and it stirred my baby fever up something fierce. Another unpleasant side-effect of their leaving has caused the house to feel profoundly empty, and now I'm trying to rekindle every pseudo-friendship I've ever had so I can be around people.

And that's it for me right now.

Bedtime.

Contemplative Thinking

A few things I've been thinking about lately:

1. Why is it that the one that got away never really goes away in your mind? Cause I've been over this bitch for what feels like forever and he's not going anywhere; he's still freaking there in the back of my mind. Make him go away, please.

2. What do guys expect us to feel when they promise to let us know what their plans are and then promptly DO NOT? Like, am I supposed to just magically read your damn mind? If you don't want to hang out just say it, damn. I had better shit to do today.

3. There should be an invention that lets people know when they've crossed a line. It could beep and be all, "HELL NAW BITCH. UH-UH YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW." Or tell you to step back or something, so you know you went too far.

4. If you lie to someone, why do you then make it easy to tell you've lied? Photos on Facebook are still considered proof and available for all to see. Duh.

5. Should I consider the life I lead a sad one because I don't hang out with anyone other than my siblings and I have no social life outside of them?

6. Is it sad that I put more effort into my prom attire for the prom I'm chaperoning than when I actually went to prom?

7. WHYYYYYYYYYY won't anyone got out with MEEEEEEEEEE?

That's all for now.

Laters.