Reflections Before Easter

so.

 I know it's been literally forever since I've been on here, and for good reason. My life has been turned upside down, and though I'm trying to make it all better, it's not working out for the best currently. You see, my dad died on March 1, almost a month ago. He finally lost his battle with Leukemia, and is in a better place, with no pain and lots of laughter. I'm happy that he's not suffering anymore, but I'm not coping well with his being absent from this world physically.

I forget. I forget he's not here, and when I want to tell him something I remember. And then it's awful for a few minutes until I do something to distract myself, and I forget again. My life has always been defined, in some form or fashion, by how my parents feel about what I do. Not in a bad way, though. I just try to remind myself how I was raised, and do justice to my upbringing. I've always been able to gauge how I'm doing by asking my parents how they feel about my decisions. I can't do that with Dad anymore.

Easter was always a favorite time of his. He loved our church service, the whole idea about rebirth and renewal, decorating no the blooming cross. All of it. I'm going to church for the first time since his memorial service, and I don't think I'm ready, but I want to try for Dad. I want to be renewed and revitalized. It' my first holiday without him. I always make egg salad out of the boiled eggs we cook, and Dad and I always fought over who got to eat more of it. This year we won't do that. I'm inundated with memories of Easter morning, and I want to focus on the happy memories instead of the crushing sadness of him not being here. However, first I have to acknowledge that this whole thing sucks. I don't want to be celebrating anything without him, but the very nature of life is that is eventually comes to an end. I knew in an abstract way that I would have to celebrate things without him eventually, but I didn't really think I would have to before I was 30 years old.

So now that I've acknowledged that it all sucks, I will try my hardest to remember what Easter is all about. Jesus, after spending three days in hell, rose from the dead to affirm to all his followers that he is the Son of God, and that there is everlasting life through belief in him and faithful service to  God. My father was a firm believer in Jesus, spent his life quietly dedicated to him, and is now celebrating eternal life in heaven. Tomorrow, I know Dad will be celebrating the glory of a risen Lord with Jesus himself. Knowing this, perhaps Easter will be easier for me to weather. After all, Dad is happy where he is, he's always going to be looking over my shoulder, guiding me in spirit, and waiting for me on the other side.

Love you, Daddy.