Tonight's Been Interesting

I upset my brother, and I really didn't mean to.

We have this new rule that we're trying to all abide by, and it's really hard because it's almost second nature for us to call people this one word. And it's been a pet peeve of mine for forever, but I finally  told my brothers and now we're trying to fix it.

But it caused a lot of ripples because it comes out like a reflex sometimes and when I tell them not to call me that word (it's bitch, for anyone who's curious) they can get a little frustrated.

Well it frustrated my brother tonight because he thought I was upset at him, but I wasn't. I was just trying to remind him of the new rule. That sparked a very long discussion about several things, and ended with a fight.

I didn't want to fight with him. Sometimes he says things that just light me up, and tonight was no exception. I'm sure I said what he told me I said two years ago. Two years ago I was an awful person, and I said awful things. The thing to take away from it all is that I don't mean them now. I say a lot of stupid things when I'm angry, and I wish I could take them all back. I'm looking for the quickest way to get the fastest reaction, and sometimes I fight dirty. Anyway, I didn't want to have the conversation so I ended it.

He's a big proponent of talking it out, and I'm a big proponent of letting it settle and coming back to it with civil heads. That causes clashes, naturally. So I walked away and it infuriated him. It's never a good idea to start arguments when alcohol is involved, and the discussion we were heading into definitely shouldn't have been breached at midnight. It's simply just too fucking late.

We've been fighting a lot this week. I really want it to stop and I'm not sure how.

It Has Been A Week.

Let me tell you about it.

Or...actually, I won't.

Instead, I'll talk about how the Internet can be painful if used too callously. And by talk about it I mean say it. Because the Internet is capable of hurting someone so much more than anyone plans to. Or maybe some people plan to, but I certainly never mean to hurt anyone. Least of all my best friend and brother. 

I have learned my lesson.

Anyway, I hope the week turns up from here. I certainly hope it doesn't get worse. I shudder to think what that would look like.

Anyway, I won't talk about what happened because that's for me to know and y'all to guess at, but I will say that it looks like it will get better. Eventually.

Welp. Going to bed now. And with a smile on my face, no less!

Goodnight, awesome nerds.

So I'm Drunk Again.

But, like, SUPER drunk. I haven't been this drunk since my 21st birthday.

And there's a whole bunch of drama going on right now. I'm pretty sure I can't type at all, seeing as how it's taken me five minutes to get this far. So I'm going to bed. But first let me leave you with some nuggets of wisdom that you've already heard, I bet.

First: do not text while drunk. If you think I'm joking or that nothing bad comes of it, you're WRONG. It's always awful and you should never do it.

Second: do not be anyone's moral compass. That shit can mess you UP. Also, if two people want to do the nasty, let them do it. It's up to them to fix it, not you.

Third: DO NOT KEEP DRINKING WHEN YOU GET ANGRY. It will always always ALWAYS turn out to be utter shit.

Fourth: it's okay to have a cry when you need a release. Just don't storm out dramatically before you shut yourself in your room. Then everyone knows you're having a cry and they feel bad.

Fifth: you take care of you first. Everyone else comes later.

Sixth: when you've already fucked it all up, don't try to fix it. It'll just get awkward. Refer to Rule #1 to prevent the fucking up of everything.

Seventh: you are not made of steel, and you cannot save the world. Quit trying to solve everyone's problems and worry about keeping yourself sane. You're the only one who can turn your life around. Don't put yourself in a place where you have to unfuck your life, and just follow these rules.

I am now going to bed. Goodnight.

(Also excuse any typos. I tried to proofread while being extremely not sober.)

Thoughts Before Independence Day

Bet y'all thought this was going to be about America or freedom or some shit. It's not. Haha! Fooled you!

So tomorrow is the great 4th of July, and my mother and I are going to two, check it: TWO parties tomorrow. One is our family party, which we're kind of obligated to go to. The second one is my pastor's family's party. Now this wouldn't be awkward if that's all it was. But it's also the pastor's son's and daughter's birthdays. They're nine years apart, and they were born on the same day. How awesome is THAT? Anyway, I'm invited to this little birthday bash, and I'm not sure Steven's girlfriend is invited.

There wouldn't be any reason for her not to be, really. Just the fact that maybe some members of Steven's family aren't that fond of the GF, but if it's his birthday celebration he can invite whoever he wants, right? I'm hoping that's the truth, because I'm not down for hearing his family talk about how wonderful I am and how he needs to "get with the picture" and just date me. As I've specified several times, that's dead and gone. There was a chance; it didn't work out. It's never coming back.

But I was texting the GF and she was really curt. Like, to the point of bitchy, and I wasn't sure what I'd done. I asked her and she said if she was mad and it was worth mentioning that she'd tell me. That makes me think that she's mad about something but isn't going to talk about it because she doesn't think it's a big enough deal to mention it to me. So I thought and thought about what it could be, and the only thing I could think of what that she wasn't invited to the birthday party.

I wasn't even invited by Steven. His parents invited me because they wanted me and my family to come  and visit them. I think that that distinction should mean something. But maybe that's why she's mad, if she's mad about this at all. The fact that his family likes me so much could be problematic, but I promise I'm not into him. You can have him, honey. He obviously makes you happy, and I'm not about to open that can of worms. I know what it feels like to have your man ripped out from under you, and I've promised to never do that to anyone, regardless of who they are or how much I want the person they're with. And in the GF's case, I don't want her man at all. Moved on to better things.

I really don't want this to become a thing where we fight over it, because I'll be 100% done with the conversation before it even starts. Her beef shouldn't be with me. I didn't do anything but bond with his family, because he's got an awesome family and I like adopting awesome families as my own. I'm up to three now, and I'm pleased with my collection.

In fact, my life is going really well. I've been interviewed for two positions, and I'm fairly certain I'll get an offer by next week. My family is slowly but surely mending itself and we're all getting closer. Now all I need is to fix my relationship with my friends. One close friend has stopped talking to me altogether. It's been almost two months and I haven't heard anything from him. My friendship with Steven and the GF has become strained, and we all know what happened with the Marine. I don't have many friends, and I don't want to lose any of them.

Anyway, that's all I have for this blog post. I'm actually tired, as weird as that is. It's not even midnight and I'm ready to shut out the world. Guess that's what I'll do.

Ta, loves!

I Miss You

And I really shouldn't, because I was so mad at you, and then I was embarrassed, and then I didn't really have any emotion toward you.

But now I miss you. Maybe because I want to work some of my flirty magic. Maybe because you're still that really good guy and I just can't see it because all I can see and hear is "Friends flirting with friends, sweetheart."

And God, I really miss having you call me sweetheart. I'm really into that, as I've previously specified, and it made me feel kinda special. I'd really like for that to start happening again.

But when I couldn't sleep and I needed to talk to someone I chose you. And it was nice having someone who would hold a conversation with me that didn't consist of "Lol" and "yeah." It was a text conversation, but at least it had substance.

I'm sorry that we aren't what we once were. I know I made it awkward. You made it awkward too, but I kept it going and turned it into something that's keeping us from talking and interacting with one another.

Why don't we just...try it from the beginning? I'll forget everything that happened, and we'll pretend we've never met. Clean slate and all that.

I'm just being really reflective right now. I want to fix this thing that we were starting to call a friendship. Maybe get it to where it exists outside a phone screen. That would be nice, I think.

Peace and Blessings, Y'all.