Two Days Ago

Two days ago I was so worried about whether the Marine liked me or not, and if I was going to like my new job, and other small stuff like that.

Today is a new day.

First off, it's my birthday. 24 years, dude. Also my second cousin might be born tonight, so I might have to share my birthday.

Second, and biggest of all, my mother lost her job. She's the primary bread winner for our family, so it's a BIG FUCKING DEAL. We'll be okay, because of reasons that I won't go into, but my mom has worked for this company since I was 5 months old. They've always been in my life, and they cut her off without so much as a warning. So my entire family is upset. Surprisingly, my mom isn't that upset. We think it's because she's numb, and it hasn't set it yet. When it does set in, though, we'll be there for her.

Turns out two days is plenty of time to turn your whole fucking world upside down. I'm working through it, and I'll be fine, really. I just have to remember that something good will come of this. God brought us to it, so he'll bring us through it.

Tomorrow will be kinder.

Now I'm Just Frustrated

Because I've tried to contact you for weeks now, sugar. I don't know if you're avoiding me or if I'm not a priority or if I'm reading too much into it, but I can't find out if YOU WON'T TALK TO ME.

Jesus, all I want is to talk to you about what's going on between us. If it's nothing that's fine. Just tell me. If it's something, then we need to discuss it so I can figure out exactly what it is. You can't hide behind this forever, because I'm going to go crazy and ruin our friendship, and I don't want to do that.

At the very least, I want to see you sometime soon. Seeing you once a month is problematic for me. I don't function that way. I need regular contact with my friends or I forget how important the relationship is to me. There are a few exceptions, of course. My friends in Iowa will always be my friends, no matter how much distance is between us or how infrequently we talk. I know they're always there for me, just like I'm there for them.

But our friendship is relatively new, and I need to build some roots to sustain it for when we don't talk. We used to talk all the fucking time, but something changed and I can't figure it out.

Also your best friend has suddenly shown interest in what's going on between us, and I can't tell if that's because I've made it okay to talk about you with him or if he's got a secret agenda, but he seems to think that the way you're behaving is normal. Well, that won't fly with me, sugar. I don't like what's happening right now, and I need it to change.

It's just one fucking day that you have to set aside for my birthday dinner. You can't even set that day aside for me? You have to keep your entire week open just in case you get asked to drive to Louisiana again? That's bullshit, in my opinion. I get that you don't want to go to my work Christmas party because that's a little more date-like, but my birthday dinner is literally my family, your best friend and his parents, me, and you. That's not date-like in any way, shape or form.

I'm so confused, and so angry, and so discouraged. I want to know what happened to make you this way and leave us in this situation. I've just about reached the end of my rope, and once I let go that's it. I hope you're prepared to deal with the consequences.

Goodnight, y'all.

Up Late Thinking

You know the one thing I miss the most about the Marine? Before this whole...thing happened, we had some pretty nice talks about sex in general. Now that there's this awkwardness between us, I can't talk to him about sex anymore. I really wish I could though, because I'd have some good stuff to talk about!

Since our recent failure to start a sexual relationship, I've gone back to masturbation as a way to relieve the tension. Since I'm not going to get the D any time soon, I figured it would be good for me to release all this tension I've been building up. Anyway, I'm what one might call sexually sheltered.

Today I bought my first bottle of lubricant, and I just used it to release some of that tension.

Guys.

This is an amazing day. I had NO IDEA it would be that amazing. I always knew that masturbation was satisfying, but I never knew it could be better until today. Today I have awakened into this new world of pleasure and I'm loving it so far.

That might be a little too much information for some of y'all.

But this is why I need the Marine to talk to me. He wouldn't mind if I talked to him about it. Hell, he'd probably join me and we could both have pleasurable experiences. I really miss my sex talk buddy, y'all. I feel like I've been deprived of a dependable resource on the world of sex. Lord knows he's had his fair share of sex, and he could pass his vast knowledge onto me so I could make myself happier that I've been in a long time.

Maybe happy's not the right word. Satisfied is probably the right word. I'd be satisfied.

Shoot, I'm satisfied right now. My muscles feel like jello, and I'm already starting to fall asleep.

Hopefully I didn't scare any of you too badly. Have a great night, readers!

Ta.

Bittersweet Victory

I had my first ever adult party tonight! I got together with a bunch of people from my school and we played Bunko for three hours. I had so much fun, y'all. It was unreal.

But...the Marine hasn't talked to me for three days. I mean not a single thing. No responses to my good morning texts, nothing when I text him later about my day, and I can't draw him out of his radio silence to even talk about a mutual interest we have. I'm not sure why he's ignoring me though.

Update: I just got a response. Jeez, about time, right? I asked him if he was mad at me, and he said that I was good, which I take to mean that he's not mad at me. We have a Christmas party in December at my school. It's all very formal and exciting and whatnot. We're also allowed to bring a plus one if we so choose. And I asked the Marine, because what's another rejection to the Queen of Rejections? So he said it depends on what's going on around that time. So it's not an OUTRIGHT rejection, but...

I dont' know what happened to piss him off. Maybe he's just been super busy. Or he just doesn't want to talk to me often because now that he doesn't want the V he's no longer got a vested interest in maintaining consistent contact with me. 

There was another guy for, like, a hot minute. I really like him, and I see him all the time at work. He doesn't have a wedding ring, so I thought he was fair game. Apparently, he has a girlfriend and they have a kid that goes to my school. I haven't received confirmation from him, largely because I'm a giant pussy and didn't have the balls to go ask him. To play it safe, however, I'm going to rule him as off limits.

Anyway, the point is that I was really close to getting the D, but he backed out at the last minute, and the only other viable candidate has unconfirmed but believable attachments to someone else. So I guess I'm back to square one. Yippee.

On top of that, I didn't exactly have the best week. I had a kid throw up on me on Tuesday, and I had to implement a grade-wide seating chart at lunch time for the seventh grade class. Then Wednesday the sixth graders were awful and they went on silent lunch. Today, I was mocked and continually let down by my classes. I'm just beaten down for the week. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry a little. Maybe that's just me being hormonal before my period, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I need a good cry.

This weekend I'm going to rejuvenate my mental stability. I don't feel balanced right now, and I think a weekend away from everyone and all my problems is just what I need to get back on track.

I'm going to bed now, even though it's before midnight. Mama need some rest, babies.

Goodnight.

I Got A Lot Of Page Views Yesterday

But not ONE comment.

Really, y'all?

Y'all like reading my random ass ramblings, I can tell. So why not leave me one stinking comment? That's all I really want.

I even double checked to make sure the comments were enabled, so feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Ta for now, loves.

Problems Of A Perpetually Thirsty Virgin

So I've had time to process what happened tonight. Here's how it goes. The Marine and I were down for some mutually beneficial fooling around.

No strings attached, lots of fun, no hard feelings kind of fooling around.

We were on the same path, and then he came over and hung out with me and my family for a few hours. He was acting kind of weird when I tried to close my bedroom door to watch a movie. He was all, "Is your dad going to be okay with the door being closed?" And I was like, "...Yeah? I'm a grown-ass woman and I do what I want." I'm still recovering from an infection, so nothing was going to happen tonight anyway. We were just hanging out.

But he was hella uncomfortable the whole fucking night, and when he left he gave me this one armed hug. Like, what the hell bro?

So I asked him when he got home if we were still rolling in on the train to D-ville together, and he said he WASN'T SURE. WHAT THE FUCK?

He's all for giving me the D BEFORE he spends the night with my family, and now he's not sure if he wants no strings attached sex. He's a GUY. WHAT GUY HAS EVER TURNED DOWN FREE SEX? SHOW ME HIS FACE.

Like, my family is too nice, I guess? Before he was all for fucking me over emotionally, but now he's not. And he said it was nothing against me, which makes me think it actually is something against me. In a perfect world, he would be interested in a relationship, but I know that's not something that's going down right now. So I NEED to know why he's changed his mind all of a sudden.

It's going to drive me crazy. Because we've talked about it for two weeks, so I haven't felt the need to masturbate, and now that I have no guarantee that he'll sleep with me I can feel the tension rising in my shoulders and all the energy I have stored starting to bounce around in my lady parts. I can't help feel that it's my fault somehow, which is fucked up.

But really. You can't offer someone free sex and have that offer accepted, then rejected. It makes you feel shitty, not gonna lie.

Well, I'm off.

Night.

This Has Been A Crazy-Ass Week, Yo.

First, I've been sick for a week, right? So I thought it was a cold. Turns out it was a fucking UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTION. Boom!

So I sound like I smoke four packs a damn day and I'm taking Amoxicillin to knock it all out. In the mean time, all this shit has happened. I've talked about it so much it's almost a burden to write it all out for your entertainment. I'll do my best to push through it though. =)

While I was house sitting for my pastor, some strange shit happened that led my brother and I to believe that someone had broken into the house. Naturally, we wanted to tell him. When he came back to Texas, however, I was sick with what I now know is an upper respiratory infection. So instead of going out to dinner I stayed home and slept. Meanwhile, my brother told our pastor everything. This is where it gets murky.

He says he thinks it was his son's girlfriend, and he says he's going to talk to her. Instead, he talks to his son. Now, we're not sure what exactly he said, but according to his son he said that WE accused the girlfriend, not him. So the son has to go tell his girlfriend that she's not allowed to come over anymore. The shit officially hits the damn fan, and the girlfriend goes nuts. She starts talking about how I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend's family, and how I'm a hussy and a homewrecker.

She deletes me off Facebook and starts talking some mad shit. Keep in mind that I stayed in bed all weekend. I didn't talk to anyone. But this bitch is running her mouth, saying I've done all this shit. And she doesn't even have the balls to tell me in person. I find all this shit out when the Marine calls me and tells me that the girlfriend's best friend told him all this shit, and he's just passing it along.

How does the Marine fit in to all this shit, you ask? Oh, here's where it gets good. Apparently, even though I've been pursuing this dude for close to a year, now that someone else (the girlfriend's best friend) is interested I should back off. I didn't even know he was talking to this girl. But when the Marine showed interest in me instead of the best friend, I immediately became a homewrecker and a slut.

What?! Seriously? That's just bullshit. So I've been blamed for all this crap that happened while I was in bed, sick as a damn dog. It's so stupid, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it all. The only upside is that the Marine and I hung out tonight and it was glorious. I've had such a good time tonight. I have to process it, and then I'll tell you all about it.

Later, my loves!