Because I Can't Sleep

I can't turn my brain off for even a minute to let it slow down.

All these thoughts are running through my head like whoa.

Both my brothers have found partners for what I hope is a long time. Good for them! They deserve to be happy.

I have successfully kicked out all influence of the Marine and the pastor's son on my life. Yay me! I deserve to be happy. And it's getting better every day.

Another person who shaped my life when I was at college is losing the battle with cancer. That six letter word. Dammit. 

Hospice has been called in. I'm not going to go see her, because though I love her, we aren't close enough for me to merit going to see her without it looking like my chance to cause a scene and cry at a tragedy that does not affect me the way it affects others. I love that woman, and she will always hold a special place in my heart, but I will do a disservice to her memory if I act like she's my surrogate mom. 

I feel for the family of this courageous woman who dared to fight that battle. She lost her husband a little over a year ago to cancer as well. She was diagnosed shortly after they buried him, and she's been fighting so hard, but it's almost time to rest now.

She will leave behind two daughters, one of whom is in her early twenties, and a son, along with a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and grandbabies who all love her and will never forget what she's done for them, or how much she loves them.

Graceland University will be forever changed when her light leaves this world to join her husband's. The skies will be brighter, but the joy in hearts around the world will dim a little. We will lose a truly wonderful person to the vilest thing on this earth, but we will not remember it that way. Instead, we will remember the laughter in her eyes as she carried out the duties of a job she loved. We will remember her smile to everyone who needed one, open arms to those who sought a hug, and kind words to heal those with bruised hearts. We will remember her and her husband as the fire they were, bringing happiness to all around them. And I will remember her as the home I needed when mine was so far away. I will not tarnish her memory by focusing on what took her away. I choose to remember her the way she way the last time I saw her: smiling, surrounded by love, and content. I pray she is all those things now, and that she leaves her strength behind to help those who will have to cope with her sudden absence.

Katie, I want you to know that though it seemed like the littlest thing to do, welcoming me into your house when I needed a reminder of home put me through college. Your husband's knowledge and wisdom and sheer goodness helped me pursue my dream. In so many ways, your family has touched my heart and made me a better person for knowing you. I pray that you know you are loved, remembered, and never truly gone from this place and those you love, because they will keep you alive long after your body is gone. Your legacy is love. You taught it to everyone you met, and we will all carry it on for you.

With humblest thanks and endless love,

Cat

I Did A Bad Thing

I snooped. My brother has been hiding something from me, and it's been driving me crazy for a few weeks. It's really hard to not notice how preoccupied he's been: constantly on his phone when he would hardly touch it before, very shifty about telling me who he's texting, being extremely catty as of late. It's not like he's not catty, but he's been an even bigger bitch than normal.

So when I just happened to look at his phone and see the name of a person I've never heard before, it intrigued me and simultaneously pissed me off in a major way. See, we share everything with each other. There are things we don't need to talk about (obviously) because that's just too much information. But the big things are always something we cover, because we love each other and that's the way it's always been.

I'm not saying my life is a shithole, because it's not, but it's not fulfilling for me, and my connections to my family and close friends are what make it all worth it. When something shitty happens at work, I can always fall back on those relationships to make myself feel better. One of my students is talking mad shit about me? I have friends that love me. My coworkers start excluding me and treating me like I'm the English department joke? My brothers will always help me through it. I don't even care if it's weirdly codependent. It's the way I operate. My brothers have ALWAYS told me everything, and I've always told them everything, and we support each other no matter what because we are family and we love each other. I have always been completely honest with them and told them the things I'm ashamed to admit in the light of day because I trusted them to tell me their things as well. And one of my brothers has done that. The other one? Not so much.

Last weekend, we went to see Crimson Peak (awesome movie) and he had absolutely no interest in talking to me on the way there. He was constantly on his phone, texting away to some unknown person.  This was a few days after seeing the name on his phone pop up, so I was already on edge because I'd given him several days to explain who this person was to no avail. So I created this story about how one of my friends was keeping something from me and I could tell and it bothered me. No response. So I started talking about how I've been working on my body issues, and learning how to love my body for what it is instead of trying to fit into unrealistic beauty standards of today's society.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I'm fat. I've always struggled with my weight and finding someone to love me the way I am so I can make myself believe there's nothing wrong with me. Of course, I now realize that I first have to love my body before I can ask someone else to love it. So I'm working on it. Some days I like my body. Other days I am not the happiest with it. Still, I'm making progress. I think I'm on my way to true body love and acceptance. Except when I think about men. I've been set up on a blind date with Navy man ( I KNOW. What is it with me and military men?).  And I really want him to like me because I think we have a lot in common and could really be compatible as friends if nothing else. He's 6'7" (!!!!!), and a nuclear physicist (!!!!!!). He likes anime and Pokemon and Harry Potter and a million other things I like, so I REALLY want him to like me, and I want him to be okay with my fatness. So even though I'm getting better with my body images, I've still got a long way to go.

Anyway, I told all this to my recently distant brother. I expected him to understand that I'm getting better with accepting myself, but that it's still a process and I'm really nervous about being accepted for me. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, not to him. He essentially said, "It doesn't sound like you're trying. You say you're working on accepting yourself, but at the first sign of trouble you go right back to being insecure. You say you love yourself, but your complaining that a guy might not like you because you're fat. You can't have it both ways. You need to get over it and try harder to love yourself." WHOA. Like, does he NOT get it? Instead of the support I expected, I got a get over yourself speech. A quit bitching speech. An I don't even pretend to care about you anymore speech. That floored me. And then he went right back to fucking texting whoever the fuck he'd been texting the whole car trip.

So I stewed about it all week. And he went out tonight, and I'd had ENOUGH of the lies. So I snooped. And I kind of wish I hadn't, but I'm really glad I did. Have you ever discovered a secret so big you can't contain it, but you know you can't talk about it with anyone? That's what I found. It explains a whole lot about the way he's been acting lately, and it makes me feel a little sorry for him, honestly. I didn't expect what I found to be what I found, you know what I mean?

I want to write it out so I know I'm really understanding it, but I know if I write it down, he'll see it. And no matter what I found, and no matter how wrong it is, what I did is also wrong. I recognize that wholeheartedly. I'm in a Catch 22 of sorts. No one can win in this situation.

If my brother is in fact reading this, I have something to say to him:

What you're doing is probably not a good idea. I know how devastating being alone can be, because I've been alone my whole life. Everyone I've ever wanted to be with either didn't like me back, was attracted someone I'm related to, or was content to string me along. That shit hurts. A lot. But what you're doing is not the answer to your problems, I promise. You will only hurt yourself, and him, in the process. Please walk away from this while you still can. I don't want you to get hurt because of this. Some of the choices you've made so far have already jeopardized your dream, and cost you more money than you have. Something like this will definitely ruin what little chance you have left to be who you want to be. Please, brother. Walk away. I'll be here for you.

Aaaaaand, that's it folks.

This Is Why Being An Adult Sucks

You can't throw temper tantrums when everything in your life goes to hell in a second.

One: my father has cancer. Yeah,  that sucks, and what's worse is that my mom is not handling it well. She waffles between being sad and being atomically pissed off at everyone, and she's been pissed a lot lately. Today she blew up over what we were having for dinner, so my brothers and I eighty-sixed that motherfucker and we stayed out of the house for hours. When we got home she was asleep, so we dodged that bullet for the night. I'm sure we'll have to deal with it tomorrow, but at least we have a reprieve for now.

Two: work is upon me once again. I'm pretty excited about a new year and new students, except for the part of me that is still sleeping in bed past 10 a.m. and doesn't want to change into real clothes. I had to start setting up my classroom, and it was not what I wanted to do this week. I've also bought a ton of things, so my bank account is not the happiest place right now. 

Three: money does not grow on trees, so I can't do everything I want. Like move out of my parents' house without being strangled by apartment rent on top of loan payments, or travel to places not in the U.S.

Four: boys are still turds. This one dude just can't not prove me wrong every time I stand up for him. He is interested, but he doesn't come through. He doesn't want drama, but allows himself to almost be suckered into a pregnancy trap because he believed her when she said she was on birth control. Then he's not interested in any type of relationship, but his ex-girlfriend is moving in with him. And he doesn't want to hang out now because he's afraid he'll be tempted to kiss me or try to sex me, and I deserve better than that, especially from him (his words). Oh, but he's also in a relationship with his ex (now current) girlfriend again, and has been for a year. But he's not ready for a relationship and he's been flirting with me for a month. And when I finally garner up enough lady balls to ask him if he's in a relationship, he replies with an affirmative, to which I respond that I am not a homewrecker and apologize for flirting with him, because I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS DATING ANYONE BECAUSE HE'S NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. So he stops texting me.

Like, what? All that happens in the span of a week, maybe, and I'm supposed to keep it all together? Why can't I scream and kick and throw myself on the ground? When did it become unsuitable for adults to release the tension in their bodies with a good, old-fashioned, screaming fit?

Ugh.

HEY THERE

Hi, remember me?

Yeah, I figured you didn't. Well, I'm not dead. 

School is out for summer, and I cannot explain to you the beauty of having nothing to do. I haven't been awake before 10 in five days. I'm trying to fix that, but sleeping in is too delicious to give up just yet.

I went to the doctor today. This weird rash on my leg? Yeah, it's eczema. I have to keep it well moisturized for three weeks.

I'm going on a mission trip to New Orleans this Sunday. In order to protect my newly diagnosed skin, I have to wear big, long socks that cover my legs when I work. I will be the most attractive person there, obviously.

Dad still has cancer. I can't remember if I wrote something about that, but...yeah. The big C has entered the building. He's doing very well though, so it's not too hard right now.

My sisters from Dad's first marriage came for a visit, long with their children and their children's children. I got to play with three children under the age of 6 for a week, and it stirred my baby fever up something fierce. Another unpleasant side-effect of their leaving has caused the house to feel profoundly empty, and now I'm trying to rekindle every pseudo-friendship I've ever had so I can be around people.

And that's it for me right now.

Bedtime.

Contemplative Thinking

A few things I've been thinking about lately:

1. Why is it that the one that got away never really goes away in your mind? Cause I've been over this bitch for what feels like forever and he's not going anywhere; he's still freaking there in the back of my mind. Make him go away, please.

2. What do guys expect us to feel when they promise to let us know what their plans are and then promptly DO NOT? Like, am I supposed to just magically read your damn mind? If you don't want to hang out just say it, damn. I had better shit to do today.

3. There should be an invention that lets people know when they've crossed a line. It could beep and be all, "HELL NAW BITCH. UH-UH YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW." Or tell you to step back or something, so you know you went too far.

4. If you lie to someone, why do you then make it easy to tell you've lied? Photos on Facebook are still considered proof and available for all to see. Duh.

5. Should I consider the life I lead a sad one because I don't hang out with anyone other than my siblings and I have no social life outside of them?

6. Is it sad that I put more effort into my prom attire for the prom I'm chaperoning than when I actually went to prom?

7. WHYYYYYYYYYY won't anyone got out with MEEEEEEEEEE?

That's all for now.

Laters.

The Week From Hell

I just had the week from hell.

No really.

Let's start with this: my dad went to the hospital 8 days ago for some blood testing while I was at a conference in Dallas. (Side note: the conference was awesome. Learned lots of stuff, got good books, lived through a snowy weekend in Texas.) Turns out my dad could have one of two types of cancer, and they're still running fucking tests to figure out what type of cancer it is. So we're waiting and trying to stay positive.

Second, my students took their fucking crazy pills this week. They were awful, holy shit. I had one girl tell me she was going to pray for my soul when I was writing her up for being disrespectful. She also said some pretty shitty things about my father having cancer, which made me cry. I tried so hard not to cry during class, but it happened anyway. I will say this: even though I have some students who can be truly horrible, I also have some students who are the best. Two of them actually came to check on me, so it wasn't all bad.

My brother's birthday was this Wednesday, so we took him to a Fifth Harmony concert in Houston on Thursday. We stood outside for an hour, finally got into the venue, and realized it was standing room only. At that point, I looked down at my Converse and said to myself, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit." We stood in the venue for about three hours, and my feet hurt so damn bad I wanted to cry. We were right in the middle of the floor, so there wasn't a lot of room around. My back hurt, I hadn't consumed any liquid in three hours so my throat was protesting violently, and I was TIRED of getting pushed from the bitches behind me. Seeing the look of unadulterated, uninhibited joy on my brother's face, however, made it all worth it. I crawled into bed around midnight, woke up five hours later, and got ready for work. I was in a haze all day today, and I'm so tired I've transcended sleep, it seems.

I figured I would write, seeing as how that frees my mind from all of the thoughts that keep me awake. It seems to be working.

For the first time in over a month, I do not have any pressing demands on my time this weekend, and I'm going to spend it sleeping, cleaning, and reading.

One week till Spring Break. Praise Jesus.

Laters baby.

Late Night Tutoring

Guess what I'm doing?

I'm tutoring at my school. Well, I'm supposed to be tutoring at my school, but no one needs English tutoring ever, so I usually sit here and grade, read, watch a movie, listen to music, play games on my phone, etc.

Today I thought I would blog, primarily because I forgot my book and listening to the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack has left me perpetually sexually frustrated.

Last time, I left you with the ramblings of a single woman of Valentine's Day. Today, I will continue that rant.

The boy who is seeing someone after he told me he's not looking for a relationship has been a busy boy, apparently. It's a really long story that I do not care to write out, but just know that he was waffling between me and another person, and he chose the other person. Of course, he chose her and did not tell me. In fact, he ignored my texts, phone calls, and cancelled all our future hang out dates for a YEAR. A YEAR.

Now he's moved on to a new boo that he spent Valentine's Day with, largely because of the pregnancy scare he went through with the boo he threw me over for.

I'm just going to say it.

WITH ALL THE CONTRACEPTION OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO VIRTUALLY EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET, HOW DO YOU STILL GO THROUGH A PREGNANCY SCARE? THERE ARE CONDOMS FOR DAYS, BIRTH CONTROL OPTIONS, AND THE ALWAYS EFFECTIVE ABSTINENCE ANGLE. HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?

That being said, I know birth control can fail, and the condom can break, but even so...

So he dropped that hot potato and moved on. My understanding of it all was that neither of them thought a condom was a good idea. I'm willing to give credence to the idea that the girl might have lied about birth control, since I know she was planning on using pregnancy to ensnare her old boyfriend. Also, she called me a bitch and a home-wrecker (though I saw him first and we were talking before they were), so I don't place much value in her moral compass.

The POINT is: between me and her, she might have been the easier lay, but I'm the smarter lay. Just sayin'.

Well that was cathartic.

Also, I'm planning on confronting the bastard. HE started the sexy talk, HE wanted to get with this, and HE pushed me away at just the moment we were going to achieve sexual gratification together without telling me why or giving me any warning. So he's got some explaining to do. (I hate to admit it, but the fact that he didn't seal the deal left me feeling a little undesirable. He needs to explain it to me so I can start to feel sexy again.)

Welp, that's it for now.

Laters baby.

Valentine's Day

You know what sucks about Valentine's Day? Several things.

First, it's a completely commercialized holiday, which shares the date of the unfortunate St. Valentine's Day massacre. I mean, if you really love someone you should tell them that you love them all the time, not just one day a year. Stores capitalize on love in February, and they also prey on the week emotions of those who have not been lucky enough to find love yet.

 Can you feel the bitter?

I personally thought I was hiding it well. It turns out that I am the only one in my family who is not having a good Valentine's Day. One of my brothers got to visit a town that he went to last summer for the weekend. He's having a lot of fun with his friends that he hasn't seen since the summer, and I am happy for him. My other brother got asked out on a date while he was on his job today. I had planned to go to the movies with him because I don't want people to stare at me when I walk into the movies without a date on Valentine's Day. But he got lucky, and I got to go to the movies by myself, which I am excelling at.

There's a little bit of time between the first movie I watched and the second movie I'm going to watch, so I'm currently sitting in my car like a creeper, and people keep looking at me typing into my phone because it seems that I have nothing better to do tonight than complain about my loveless life to you, my dear readers.

The biggest reason why today sucks is because it seems that someone who said he wasn't looking for relationship has found himself in one. I really wish people would stop lying to me about what they want from me. I knew he just wanted to fuck me in my head, but having it confirmed for me today via a Facebook post he was tagged in really sucks for some reason.

I know this is turning into the typical single person post on Valentine's Day, but I can't talk about it with anybody else but you, because my brothers told me this was going to happen. They told me that he was going to try to use me for one purpose only, but I did not believe them. Lo and behold, he found himself someone else. But this time, he didn't just want to fuck her and be friends. She's actually moved in with him and they're dating.

I feel like that's really fast, considering the fact that probably two weeks before he started dating her, he was telling me about all the different ways he wanted to bend me over and have his way with me, but still be friends. He talked about exploring my sexuality with me like it was some big journey that he was proud to go on with me. But when it came down to the wire, it turns out he was just looking for an easy lay. And I hate that he almost got me.

It's stupid that this hurts, right? I mean I should expect it by now, because every person that's ever been attracted to me thinks that I'm easy because I'm fat and not as pretty as everybody else. I guess I am a little bit bigger than most people. Okay, a lot of people. But that doesn't mean that I'm any less of a person than any other girl who exists in the world today. I think I'm beautiful, and that I just need someone to recognize how beautiful I am. It's hard to keep that mentality, however, when every single guy who has shown interest in you is only interested in you as long as you're willing to have sex with them immediately. Where are my hearts and flowers? I deserve to be wooed, and it seems to me that I can't find anybody who is willing to take on the job. I've only dated one person in my life, and that lasted for two months. At the end of that relationship, my ex-boyfriend told me that he only dated me because he has a thing for fat chicks. And that's it. That's the only guy I've ever dated. It's hard to believe after a while that you're not the problem. I don't know what kind of vibe I give out, but I guess it's not the one that I want to, because all I see in my future is a line of jackasses waiting to see if they'll be the one to conquer the fat chick.

Maybe I won't be as bitter tomorrow. Tonight, however, I'm glad I'm going to see a movie that has explosions and at least one guaranteed male death.

Happy Valentine's Day, readers. I hope your day was better than mine.

Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Everything In Between

Holy Moses,

I have not written in forever. Literally. It's been an eternity since I was last on here.

So, here's what you missed. My birthday was in November, and my students threw me a surprise party. It was very touching and heartfelt, and I loved it. The rest of my birthday passed by quietly, and my mother and I went to Fredericksburg for the weekend. It was a lot of wine tasting and shopping, followed is quick succession by Thanksgiving, which was hellacious because half the fucking kitchen is broken. My mom swore she would never cook in that kitchen for Thanksgiving again. So a kitchen remodeling is in the future.

Next was finals week, which was not as bad as I thought it would be. Calling parents to tell them their children failed was the worst part, but thankfully that's over.

Christmas, those glorious two weeks off, did not go as planned. I planned a date, lots of drinking, watching stuff on TV, movies, and time with friends. What I got was two sick parents. My father contracted cellulitis which, in my terms, is a big-ass boil on his arm, and the antibiotics he took made him nauseous, so he quit taking them and developed a fever/chills thing that I then had to take him to the emergency room for. They gave him some anti-nausea medicine, and boom. Now he can take his medicine and get better.

Then my mom threw out her back. She was in pain for a week, and no one would give her anything for pain at the UTMB we went to (stupid quacks), so it was back to the emergency room for the second time in less than a week. The ER doctor gave her some painkillers and a muscle relaxer, and told her to follow up with her internalist on Monday!

I forgot to mention that she spent all of Christmas in pain. My parents almost didn't come to the Christmas Ever service, and only showed up because I was singing O Holy Night. Then on Christmas Day she and my father didn't even come over to my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas luncheon. They stayed home and left us to socialize alone. It was not the best Christmas I've ever had, let me tell you.

On top of becoming a taxi service, I shouldered the responsibility to clean, cook, shop, wrap presents, do laundry, etc., all damn break! And then my dad had surgery to remove a rotten tooth that was giving him trouble, so he was doped up on pain killers and couldn't take care of Mom the way he wanted to.

And to top it all off, I got food poisoning because I was an idiot and ate expired ranch dressing, right in the middle of all Mom's back issues.

She's getting better, and the road to recovery will be long, but she's at least going in the right direction. All the family drama has settled down just in time for me to go back to work. So, not the most relaxing break. I think I'm actually looking forward to going back to school. It will give me something new to do.

Side note: I am being set up on a date! Maybe. It's more of a meeting between me, him, and the couple that links us together, but it's a start. Hopefully it will go somewhere promising.

Welp, that's all for me. I needed to get all that off my chest before I go back to work. I can't start a new semester holding on to all that.

Ta, loves.