How Do You Know When To Let Go?

So I have this friend, right? We've been friends for a few years, and we're a lot alike. The last time we saw each other it was the beginning of July. We saw a play at this super cool theater in Houston, then went to a party and walked around the Theatre District until two in the morning. We made all these crazy plans for later in the month, talked about all our problems, etc. It was a healing experience for me.

And then he didn't talk to me for two months. So we never did any of those cool things, and every time I planned something he canceled on me. We finally decided on some epic night on the town. I made a CD and dropped it off at his house so he could get pumped. Stupid friend stuff, I know, but I did it with my brother and it was always so much more fun when we had specific music to listen. Anyway, I made him a CD and he loved it, apparently. But then when the night on the town came around he didn't answer any of my calls and I had to cancel it. And he didn't talk to me until he got a job that he's been trying to get forever and I invited him out for drinks. Then he couldn't wait to see me and told me he's missed me a ton.

So I planned this celebration thing. He was going to go with me and a bunch of people to a baseball game and then we would go out for drinks and just have fun. He was down...up until he suddenly remembered he had to do something for his grandfather and couldn't go anymore. But he "really wants to hang out soon bc I've missed you sooo much!" Yeah, I can see that.

I'm not sure when I should give up. Like, I feel like these are just giant excuses that have piled up one on top of another. I was operating under the assumption that his phone was broken, because that's what he told me. When my brother was out eating lunch with his friend, however, he saw my friend walk by him, texting someone and then calling them. So his phone was working perfectly a month ago. He gave me his "brand new" phone number on Wednesday.

My brothers say that I should just tell him to fuck off. And I don't want to lose him because I have a lot of fun with him, but he's been blowing me off for months. I'm not sure what I'm doing to make all my friends not want to be around me, but this isn't a new thing. It's happened several times this year. I guess I left all my good friends in Iowa, excepting one or two of them.

Today was actually a good day, but this has put a damper on my evening. Now I'm too upset to sleep and I don't want to do anything tomorrow. Welp, I'm off to bed.

Goodnight, readers.

I Hate Being Lied To

Like, so much I can't even explain it.

Just tell me the damn truth. Especially when you place such a high premium on being told the truth all the time, no exceptions.

And if you're going to lie to me, at least lie to me for a good reason. That way when I find out it won't be as bad.

I cannot FUCKING believe you lied to me about something so stupid. I hope it was worth it. Now I'm never going to trust you again.

Sometimes I Don't Think I've Accomplished Anything

And I get really sad.

My life is progressing, yes. I've become a substitute teacher at a charter school near my house, and it could lead to a full-time position. My friends are relatively active in my life, and I'm always doing things with my family. I'm very active in my church, and I've made a real connection with the youth. I'm even going to become a session member and help run the church.

But I don't think I've accomplished much of anything at this point. Perhaps I'm just looking for a reason to be sad. Maybe I'm enhancing my feelings of worthlessness because I haven't been in a relationship since I was a senior in high school. For whatever reason, this feeling is not a pleasant one. I'm a little disgusted with myself right now, actually.

I don't think I'm making any sense right now, so I'm going to get off this blog and listen to some Piano Guys and Randy Travis. Maybe music will make me feel better.

Ta, readers.

Feelings Are Stupid

I feel irrationally bad because I tried to make the Marine feel better about the size of his penis and I apparently didn't do it right because now he's not talking to me.

First, he brought it up out of NOWHERE. He asked me what the average size of a penis was, and I told him. Unsolicited, he told me he was bigger than that. I said good for you, essentially, and changed the subject because I was getting uncomfortable.

HOURS later we're in the middle of a conversation about football, and he tells me he almost sent me the picture he took of his erect penis next to a measuring tape. Like, what the hell? We weren't even talking about it. So then he described and sent the picture to me even though I didn't show an interest in seeing it. And he's well endowed, okay? It's all very exciting...for him.

I'm not sure what he wanted out of me. I told him size didn't matter, because to me it doesn't. I said any woman that wasn't shallow would like him for more than the size of his dick. I also know he's had a very active and satisfying sex life, so he clearly doesn't need the assurance that he's good in bed, especially from someone he's never fucked. I even told him that his dick looked fine, because it did. I didn't tell him it was the prettiest penis I'd ever seen or anything like that, but I assured him that he didn't have anything to worry about. And then he quit talking to me.

We've been down this road before. I was confused, and he told me he didn't like me. He just wanted to be friends, and that's what I've worked on. I thought I was doing a good job, too. I've met his brother, invited him out a few times, and we've had good laughs together. We're friends. I did what he asked me to and am trying to move on and not attach too much meaning to what he says and the things he does. And he isn't interested in me as a booty call, because he's told me so. So why did he bring up his dick yet again?

Maybe he's trying to test me to see if anyone else will hear about it. I've learned my lesson though, and will keep my mouth shut.

UGH. I'm so confused, and a little tired of it all. What did he want from me? To offer him some fellatio right then and there? Sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. And he knows it too, so...

If you want me, you just need to say it. If you don't want me, you need to quit sending me pictures of your dick. If you're not going to fuck me with it, why does it matter to you what I think about it? I don't want you to tell me about all the girls trying to get your attention. You don't need to brag, because there's nothing to gain from me. If you wanted jealousy, you should have said that you were interested in me, THEN told me about the girls. You say you're a man of action, but so far all I see is mixed signals. If you want something from me, you first have to DO SOMETHING. Sending pictures, in this day and age, is practically nothing. Kiss me, throw me up against a wall, take me out on a date. Those are indicators of interest, not dick pics.

There is a possibility that he's only sending these pictures because he wants reassurance. My brothers say that he just wants someone to appreciate his assets. And I could see how that could be important, but you can see how confusing it is from my point, right? I just don't know what he wants from me. I told him I wanted it in my mouth the first time and he shot me down. I tried to be supportive and I pissed him off. Apart from ignoring him, I can't really see another way to react.

I thought writing it all out would help, but it's only made it worse. I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading though. You all really make my day.

Goodnight.