I snooped. My brother has been hiding something from me, and it's been driving me crazy for a few weeks. It's really hard to not notice how preoccupied he's been: constantly on his phone when he would hardly touch it before, very shifty about telling me who he's texting, being extremely catty as of late. It's not like he's not catty, but he's been an even bigger bitch than normal.
So when I just happened to look at his phone and see the name of a person I've never heard before, it intrigued me and simultaneously pissed me off in a major way. See, we share everything with each other. There are things we don't need to talk about (obviously) because that's just too much information. But the big things are always something we cover, because we love each other and that's the way it's always been.
I'm not saying my life is a shithole, because it's not, but it's not fulfilling for me, and my connections to my family and close friends are what make it all worth it. When something shitty happens at work, I can always fall back on those relationships to make myself feel better. One of my students is talking mad shit about me? I have friends that love me. My coworkers start excluding me and treating me like I'm the English department joke? My brothers will always help me through it. I don't even care if it's weirdly codependent. It's the way I operate. My brothers have ALWAYS told me everything, and I've always told them everything, and we support each other no matter what because we are family and we love each other. I have always been completely honest with them and told them the things I'm ashamed to admit in the light of day because I trusted them to tell me their things as well. And one of my brothers has done that. The other one? Not so much.
Last weekend, we went to see Crimson Peak (awesome movie) and he had absolutely no interest in talking to me on the way there. He was constantly on his phone, texting away to some unknown person. This was a few days after seeing the name on his phone pop up, so I was already on edge because I'd given him several days to explain who this person was to no avail. So I created this story about how one of my friends was keeping something from me and I could tell and it bothered me. No response. So I started talking about how I've been working on my body issues, and learning how to love my body for what it is instead of trying to fit into unrealistic beauty standards of today's society.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I'm fat. I've always struggled with my weight and finding someone to love me the way I am so I can make myself believe there's nothing wrong with me. Of course, I now realize that I first have to love my body before I can ask someone else to love it. So I'm working on it. Some days I like my body. Other days I am not the happiest with it. Still, I'm making progress. I think I'm on my way to true body love and acceptance. Except when I think about men. I've been set up on a blind date with Navy man ( I KNOW. What is it with me and military men?). And I really want him to like me because I think we have a lot in common and could really be compatible as friends if nothing else. He's 6'7" (!!!!!), and a nuclear physicist (!!!!!!). He likes anime and Pokemon and Harry Potter and a million other things I like, so I REALLY want him to like me, and I want him to be okay with my fatness. So even though I'm getting better with my body images, I've still got a long way to go.
Anyway, I told all this to my recently distant brother. I expected him to understand that I'm getting better with accepting myself, but that it's still a process and I'm really nervous about being accepted for me. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, not to him. He essentially said, "It doesn't sound like you're trying. You say you're working on accepting yourself, but at the first sign of trouble you go right back to being insecure. You say you love yourself, but your complaining that a guy might not like you because you're fat. You can't have it both ways. You need to get over it and try harder to love yourself." WHOA. Like, does he NOT get it? Instead of the support I expected, I got a get over yourself speech. A quit bitching speech. An I don't even pretend to care about you anymore speech. That floored me. And then he went right back to fucking texting whoever the fuck he'd been texting the whole car trip.
So I stewed about it all week. And he went out tonight, and I'd had ENOUGH of the lies. So I snooped. And I kind of wish I hadn't, but I'm really glad I did. Have you ever discovered a secret so big you can't contain it, but you know you can't talk about it with anyone? That's what I found. It explains a whole lot about the way he's been acting lately, and it makes me feel a little sorry for him, honestly. I didn't expect what I found to be what I found, you know what I mean?
I want to write it out so I know I'm really understanding it, but I know if I write it down, he'll see it. And no matter what I found, and no matter how wrong it is, what I did is also wrong. I recognize that wholeheartedly. I'm in a Catch 22 of sorts. No one can win in this situation.
If my brother is in fact reading this, I have something to say to him:
What you're doing is probably not a good idea. I know how devastating being alone can be, because I've been alone my whole life. Everyone I've ever wanted to be with either didn't like me back, was attracted someone I'm related to, or was content to string me along. That shit hurts. A lot. But what you're doing is not the answer to your problems, I promise. You will only hurt yourself, and him, in the process. Please walk away from this while you still can. I don't want you to get hurt because of this. Some of the choices you've made so far have already jeopardized your dream, and cost you more money than you have. Something like this will definitely ruin what little chance you have left to be who you want to be. Please, brother. Walk away. I'll be here for you.
Aaaaaand, that's it folks.
