Maybe I Made A Mistake

Or maybe you made one. Or maybe we both made a mistake by trusting each other. I trusted you to keep it real and not become just like every other man I've tried to start something with, and you trusted me to keep my mouth shut.

It was my fault, really, that I couldn't keep it between us two. I get that now, but I was so confused. I mean, I've never been pursued by a guy before. Really. I didn't know what to do and then you were naked on my phone and I had to figure it out and I had to figure it out NOW. So I asked my brothers, and they told me to stop texting you. So I ignored them. And then I needed to talk to someone who wasn't family, and I had limited options. I chose your best friend's girlfriend. And that probably wasn't one of my finer moments, because even though I trust her I can't help but feel like she'll betray me one day. Maybe that day is now. But I NEEDED to talk to someone. And I made her promise not to say anything. AT ALL. But then again, you made me promise to keep it between us. And at least I didn't show anyone. I just told them about it. I've been informed that was a dick move. I am properly ashamed of myself.

It was YOUR fault, however, for not judging the situation correctly. Do I really seem like the girl who knows what to do in these situations? I know you and your best friend talked about me. You had to, if you wanted to know anything about me before you started flirting. There's always that, "Yo, this girl. What's her story? You ever hit that? What's the vibe you get off her?" And if that conversation took place, then you already knew I wasn't that girl. So what did you really expect to get out of it all?

Lined up side by side, my transgression seems to be worse than yours, I know. But I'd really like to move past it and try to be friends again. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted that it's easier for you to save face by feigning ignorance of your reasons for sending me the dick pic. It's an embarrassing thing to do, after all, especially when it doesn't get the reaction you're looking for.

We've both made mistakes, we've both misjudged the other. We're smarter now, and we'll get through it. I'd just like to get through it without radio silence on your end.

Well...that's all my thoughts on THAT. I'm going to bed.

Ta, loves!
(And I promise I don't bite. Leave me a comment! Who are you? Where are you from? Why are you reading this word vomit? I'd love to know!)

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

My sadness has melted away, it seems.

Like, WHO ARE YOU TO FLIRT WITH ME THEN TELL ME IT'S JUST YOU HORSING AROUND WITH A FRIEND?

I'm pretty sure friendly flirting doesn't cover sending me a NAKED PICTURE of yourself. If it was a booty call, cool. I get it. YOU'RE not going to get anything, but I appreciate the effort. If it was you trying to boost your ego, JUST SAY SO. I'm fine with boosting your self image, because you're fucking hot and you should accept that about yourself. But DO NOT tell me it's friends flirting with friends. Because that's definitely not something you do with your "friend," let alone a "friend" you haven't spent more than a few hours with.

And the worst part was, I'm not really into that. I've had phone sex exactly ONCE. And it was awful. Something about it made me feel gross, and I was uncomfortable in the shower for weeks after. That's okay, though. We all have things we like to do, and things that weird us out. I don't want to see the surprise inside before I've bought the candy, you know what I mean? I don't need pictures. I prefer to have it be a surprise, and see it all firsthand. Pictures make me uncomfortable, because then the guy wants to see one of me, and there's no polite way to say no. You want the goodies? You gotta work for them, sweetheart. I don't come cheap.

So I was drunk texting and my inhibitions were lowered. If I had been sober I would have realized what he planned to do and stopped him. It was like, we were flirting, and I was getting bolder with my compliments. Then BAM there's his penis right there on my phone and I don't fucking know what to do. And he says I MUST promise to keep it between us and not to lie about whether or not I think he's hot. First, what the hell am I supposed to think about this picture? I've never encountered this before, so of fucking course I'm going to ask someone about it. Maybe even two or three or four people. As many as it takes for me to figure out what I'm supposed to say to you when I wake up in the morning with the knowledge of what your dick looks like. Second, why would I lie to you about being hot? I've been sending out literally every signal I can think of to let you know I'm interested. Sounds like you just want me to build up your confidence. Trust me, I can do it way better when I'm not thinking about your dick. I'm much less awkward when nakedness isn't a factor. It's also more authentic, I think. That way it's not like I'm judging your physical appearance, but measuring you on your personality.

I guess asking him if he was just flirting to flirt wasn't the best thing to do. My brother told me it was the move of a crazy person, and he was going to run for the hills the minute I asked him. And he did say he just thought of me as a friend. My brothers told me he was probably looking for a booty call, and a few others said it was because he was interested. I asked him why he sent it, and he said he didn't know, and that he was sorry. Why the fuck are you sorry? You know damn well why you sent it. At this point it's pretty hard to worm your way out of it. You either sent it to read me on a hookup, boost your ego, or draw my interest in further. If you don't want sex, you're confident, and I'm just your friend, you have to be lying about something. You don't just send someone a dick pic, and if you do, I think you might have some issues you refuse to face.

Maybe I came on too strong and scared him, so he lied. Maybe he was too drunk to determine that it was a bad idea. At this point I'll accept just about anything. I just want to know WHY so I can figure out how to talk to you now. Because I'm obviously not going to flirt with you anymore. I don't flirt with friends. It confuses me too much, so now I have to restructure the parameters of our friendship and start over from scratch.

Man, I don't know anything right now. I'm angry as fuck at him, a little discouraged, and so, so confused about it all. I think he was really flirting, but I scared him off. And that's my b, but that's also how I am. I'm straight to the point, and if it's not going to go anywhere I need to know before I get too invested. I want to know that the ending will be worth it if I read all 900 pages of the book. If the last five pages suck, I just wasted all my time.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. And if you're reading this, don't fucking say anything. This is the risk you took when you sent me mixed signals. At least I didn't tell everyone your name and dick size. That would have been really embarrassing, huh?

Goodnight!

He Doesn't Like Me Back

I asked him. He said no.

That's all for tonight.

Well, It Happened.

I embarrassed myself with the Marine. And I'm still doing it. I can't...go into detail? Because NONE of you have commented on my blog to let me know who you are and why you're reading the crap I write, I'm not sure who's reading what, so no details.

I was wowed, I guess, by our flirting, but I'm really confused by it all now. The last time I flirted this hard with a guy, he just wanted the V. And he brought up that he was horny one day and I said sorry boo. Then he got a girlfriend, and we were like brother and sister. So I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but if all he wants is some ass, he's going to be sorely disappointed.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to respond to it? I mean, I did my best. I was honest and up front about how I liked him, truly, and wouldn't flirt with him this hard if I didn't. Then he said, "Aww, thanks :),"and that was that. Call me crazy, but usually guys will respond with an, "Aww, I like you too," instead of, "That's nice to hear," if they're interested.

And if he's not interested I will be so unhappy, because I've invested a lot of time into building this shit up. I don't want it to fall down around my head now, not when we've progressed so much. But if it DOES indeed happen and we're no longer flirting or sending out signals, I'll just add him to my long list of Almost Lovers and move on.

Or I'll cry into my pint of strawberry ice cream and watch sad, romantic movies to make myself feel worse. Yeah, probably that one.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now, for real. Because the last time I said I was going to bed he started a new conversation with me, which lead to more of our...flirting. But this time I'm really going to go to bed. And I'm not going to text him first this time. He's going to text me, and we'll see what he's really made of.

Will this turn out to be another failed booty call? Does he really want to pursue a relationship? I'll let you know.

Ta, loves!

I'm A Little Drunk...

And by a little, I mean a lot. So maybe this post should be titled drunk blogging.

Annnnnyway, I've been trying to get the Marine to go get a drink with me at this tavern in town, right? And to make it less date-y I wanted our mutual friend to come along. I found out tonight that they went to the tavern...but I wasn't invited. So I was feeling sorry for myself and I got drunk.

Then the Marine sent me a text message telling me how sorry he was that I wasn't invited, and if he'd known I wasn't invited he would have invited me and he would have loved to see me. So we started texting, and flirting a little (a lot). But we're both pretty drunk, so I don't think it means much of anything.

I'm sure I'll wind up embarrassing myself horribly, but I don't really care right now, largely because he's being sweet and flirty and I can't be moved to give a fuck. A little part of my nonchalance has to do with me being pretty fucking plastered, let's be real. And I just called him love, for whatever reason my alcohol addled brain could think of. I'm going to be so fucking embarrassed tomorrow.

I'm going to bed now. I'll let y'all know tomorrow if I've lived through the night or died from embarrassment.

Goodnight, loves!

I Don't Know How To Flirt

But I think I'm doing it right. It's 1:15 a.m. here, but because I can't change the time zone on any of these posts you all think I blog at normal hours. But fear not; I'm a night owl.

I'm talking to the Marine right now. Well, talking is a relative term. We're texting each other. Before I get into that though, I usually blog when I have these thoughts running around in my head and I can't quiet them. It's almost always after midnight, and I'm too wired to read or watch anything. Something's usually bothering me, or I'm thinking about so many things at once I can't focus on one at a time. When it becomes too much, I pull up my trusty blog and go to work. Tonight is one of those "too many at once" nights. I think I like these nights the most because there's no telling what I'll write about. Maybe I'll talk about the Marine, or my insecurities, or maybe I'll touch on several things briefly. Whatever my mind comes up with, I suppose.

Tonight I'm thinking about the Marine. I've started all the contact so far. I usually wait two or three days in between texting sessions, then start up a random conversation and see where it leads. Sometimes we flirt, sometimes we just talk. He's never texted me first though. Which is probably a sign that we're not on the same wavelength, and he knows it. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm into him. But it's not a psycho "love me or die" kind of interest. I'm not going to alienate myself from everyone and go into a depressive funk if/when he rejects me. Sure, I might cry a little. Okay, I'll probably cry for at least five minutes. But then I'll be okay and we'll be friends. Well, I'll try to be friends. I'm not very good with that. Once I'm rejected, I tend to want to stay away from that person for as long as possible, and only interact enough to be polite when we're forced together at social functions. But I'm hoping that, because everything with the Marine has been different from any other time I've tried my hand at catching a boyfriend, this time will be different. He's a really nice person, and I want to talk to him more, even if we're not compatible.

I guess we're both up tonight, because we're texting one another. I started it, of course, but talking to him about nothing too serious or specific makes it all better. We're both writers, it turns out. But I'd NEVER let him read this blog. Dear Lord, think of what would happen. And if he got his hands on my poems? He'd never speak to me again, I'm sure of it. Too bad I didn't keep any of my short stories. I'd love to show him one or two of those. I wrote one about these high school students...it was probably one of the best things I've written. Like ever. And I think some of my rants are worth Pulitzers. But he writes Quentin Tarantino stuff, apparently. Unfortunately, asking to read someone else's writing is apparently very rude, or else I'd jump all over that.

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna ask him right now.

...

Well, we'll see what he says. That's another thing about me. I'm sure none of you are shocked to find out that I'm a very curious and nosey person. I would say it's because I love the pursuit of knowledge, but I really just want to know what everyone's hiding, be in the middle of it all. I love puzzles and mystery shows, because I can't wait to see the big picture. I want to know how it all turns out, and I want to watch it all unfold. If I was just a little more popular when I was in school, I bet I would've made a GREAT gossip.

I guess it's all for the best that I kept my nosey nature hidden until I solidified my friendships. Now I have true friends that like me because of who I am and have come to accept my curiosity with fond eye rolls and artful shut downs. Really, my friends are very good at keeping what they don't want me to know away from me. Sometimes they don't include me because they know it drives me crazy. It's really a great setup.

Anyway, about this flirting thing. I'm trying very hard to flirt with the Marine, but also trying to build a solid friendship with him. I think the friendship is taking root more than the flirting is, but there's time for that yet. My brother tells me that friendship is the best route to go. Friendship comes first, and if the chemistry is there the flirting and dating will come after. I've chosen to believe him, hence the texting every two or three days and trying to keep the conversations short and not too personal.

It seems that blogging and texting the Marine has finally turned my brain off enough for me to get sleepy. So I bid you all adieu, and I hope you like my ramblings. I sure have fun writing them.

Goodnight, sweet readers!