So, I'm reeeeeally happy, but I feel like I should be sad.
It's not a good thing to be happy that someone is now heartbroken. It's not a good thing that the first thing you do is smile the biggest smile you've ever smiled because the news is good news to you. It's not a good thing that you think you have the answers to everything. It's not good to do lots of things.
But I'm doing them. And I feel bad that I don't feel bad.
Sorry I'm not sorry.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
LOL, I Ain't Even Mad
That you decided to unfriend me on Facebook. I find it comical, actually. Should I be upset? If only Facebook meant that much to me...
I am upset that you think you can fuck with my church. I've been going there for ten years, and you started coming because you wanted to corner your ex-boyfriend. So keep it coming. I'll weather the storm. I have a whole congregation at my back. What do you have?
And when you decide to stop acting like a teenager, call me. Better yet, don't call me. Just leave me alone.
I am upset that you think you can fuck with my church. I've been going there for ten years, and you started coming because you wanted to corner your ex-boyfriend. So keep it coming. I'll weather the storm. I have a whole congregation at my back. What do you have?
And when you decide to stop acting like a teenager, call me. Better yet, don't call me. Just leave me alone.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Do You Ever Get That Feeling
Where you're the one on the outside? Because lately I've been thinking I'm actually the one on the outside looking in.
Not with my family and friends in Iowa, but with one particular person in Texas. I don't think things are fine between us, and there is no way to fix it from up here. Despite our previous conversations, I feel that I'm slowly being pushed away. I'm suddenly outside the circle of trust, and I don't know how I got there.
Strangely, I'm mad. I would have thought I'd be crying and carrying on, becoming depressed and not eating. But instead I have this deep well of hatred bubbling to the surface. It's showing in my attempts at interacting with others. I've been edgy all day and taken my anger out on friends. My humor is a little too cutting today, and I've sequestered myself in my room to keep that away from everyone up here.
I'm going to write a letter to him and fill it with every hateful thing I can think of, then never send it. It sounds like the perfect solution to my problem right now. Because the only person I want to yell at is him, and he won't pick up his stupid phone long enough for me to get a good insult out. So letter form is the best option right now.
I'm going to do my homework now. After I write the letter.
Not with my family and friends in Iowa, but with one particular person in Texas. I don't think things are fine between us, and there is no way to fix it from up here. Despite our previous conversations, I feel that I'm slowly being pushed away. I'm suddenly outside the circle of trust, and I don't know how I got there.
Strangely, I'm mad. I would have thought I'd be crying and carrying on, becoming depressed and not eating. But instead I have this deep well of hatred bubbling to the surface. It's showing in my attempts at interacting with others. I've been edgy all day and taken my anger out on friends. My humor is a little too cutting today, and I've sequestered myself in my room to keep that away from everyone up here.
I'm going to write a letter to him and fill it with every hateful thing I can think of, then never send it. It sounds like the perfect solution to my problem right now. Because the only person I want to yell at is him, and he won't pick up his stupid phone long enough for me to get a good insult out. So letter form is the best option right now.
I'm going to do my homework now. After I write the letter.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
My Weekend Was A Fun One, But...
I;m getting sick. I can feel it at the base of my skull where it meets my neck and the effort it takes to move even a little. I'm probably not going to class tomorrow, largely because I know I'll be worse tomorrow. If I'm not utterly exhausted, I'll at least be running a fever and not want to get out of bed. I'm not sure what the bug I contracted last week was, but it's kicking my ass right now.
On another note, the Anti-Valentine's Day weekend was a success! We didn't really travel to Independence, MO for an Anti-Valentine's Day weekend, but that's how I'm choosing to interpret it. First, we went to Downtown Kansas City and tooled around in the HUGE Barnes & Noble there, also known as my crack store. After that, it was off to Jenna's house.
I should probably tell you that I went with three friends of mine: Jenna, Becky, and Kris.
Anyway, we went to Jenna's house and set up shop, bunking down for the night and waking up early the next day. The next site of excitement was the large mall in Independence, called the Independence Center if I'm not mistaken. We did several things, including a carousel ride, a fun time in a photo booth, and exploring several stores. Then it was off to a birthday party, the final showing of "Thoroughly Modern Millie" at Jenna's high school, and meeting a new friend named Brittany.
This morning we went to church, and after it was over I could feel round two with the stomach bug coming on. I took a nap, only to wake up not feeling any better. I'm exhausted now, and I got plenty of sleep last night. And it probably didn't help that I was in a house with cats, my number one allergy, only a week after contracting afore mentioned stomach bug. My immune system wasn't up to snuff quite yet, and it was like a breeding ground for sickness.
Damn, I wish this post wasn't about me whining. I really do, but shit. I think I deserve a fucking break, as do my friends and my brother Dylan. He's not technically my brother, but he's been living with us for almost three years so we've adopted him. Unofficially, anyway. The point is his mother passed away last August, and he just had to bury his uncle. I think his family has been messed with enough already. I think my family has been messed with enough. I just want to spend a week, ONE WEEK, in relative peace. I can feel the stress building, and it's not even through the first quarter of class yet.
Dammit, I'm tired. And I have a meeting to prepare for. So I will leave you all to your nightly rituals.
On another note, the Anti-Valentine's Day weekend was a success! We didn't really travel to Independence, MO for an Anti-Valentine's Day weekend, but that's how I'm choosing to interpret it. First, we went to Downtown Kansas City and tooled around in the HUGE Barnes & Noble there, also known as my crack store. After that, it was off to Jenna's house.
I should probably tell you that I went with three friends of mine: Jenna, Becky, and Kris.
Anyway, we went to Jenna's house and set up shop, bunking down for the night and waking up early the next day. The next site of excitement was the large mall in Independence, called the Independence Center if I'm not mistaken. We did several things, including a carousel ride, a fun time in a photo booth, and exploring several stores. Then it was off to a birthday party, the final showing of "Thoroughly Modern Millie" at Jenna's high school, and meeting a new friend named Brittany.
This morning we went to church, and after it was over I could feel round two with the stomach bug coming on. I took a nap, only to wake up not feeling any better. I'm exhausted now, and I got plenty of sleep last night. And it probably didn't help that I was in a house with cats, my number one allergy, only a week after contracting afore mentioned stomach bug. My immune system wasn't up to snuff quite yet, and it was like a breeding ground for sickness.
Damn, I wish this post wasn't about me whining. I really do, but shit. I think I deserve a fucking break, as do my friends and my brother Dylan. He's not technically my brother, but he's been living with us for almost three years so we've adopted him. Unofficially, anyway. The point is his mother passed away last August, and he just had to bury his uncle. I think his family has been messed with enough already. I think my family has been messed with enough. I just want to spend a week, ONE WEEK, in relative peace. I can feel the stress building, and it's not even through the first quarter of class yet.
Dammit, I'm tired. And I have a meeting to prepare for. So I will leave you all to your nightly rituals.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Up After Midnight Like Most College Students
What most college students are doing right now, however, is not what I was just doing. Most college students did not just finish writing a response paper on Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. Except, of course, the nine other people in class with me, but I'm willing to bet that they all finished the paper before midnight, unlike me. After this, I picked out what Vacation Bible School I'll be directing. You heard me correctly. I, Cathryn Elyse Watkins, 22-year-old, will be heading up the team that plans Vacation Bible School. For the first time. With no previous directing experience. By myself. I feel a little like the wounded fish in the ocean right before the shark eats it. But I'm sure I'll be fine. Right? Riiiiiiiiiight. And after THAT, I sent a few emails to professors and one to the people that belong to the Academic Student Council, of which I am president. I've been a busy little bee.
Also unlike most college students, I want to write some more. I know you're shocked, but there you go. My brain won't shut off, and I keep bouncing off several different trains of thought. The most prevalent ones are the book I just finished, how my brother is doing at home, how much my neck hurts, and an irrational lust for hot chocolate at this very moment.
For those of you that don't know, Toni Morrison is a prevalent African American author who has won a Nobel Prize for her book Beloved. Her books are dark, to put it lightly. They deal with things I'd rather not think about ever, but her word choice is so beautiful. She makes love to the English language in her novels, and for that I can overlook the novel topics that make my tummy squirm in revulsion.
Another thing that makes my tummy squirm in revulsion is the possibility that a few people in particular are reading this blog. I'm pretty sure not many people are, but that's not what this blog is about anyway. This blog is, like Gerkin in "Sydney White"says, "not about being read. It's about being written." I realize I sound like a dork for that quotation, but that's okay. I like myself just the way I am. But these two people in particular are back home, and while I haven't blogged about one of them, I've definitely blogged about the other one. I don't think either one of them has my url, so I'm hopeful that they aren't reading this.
About the person I haven't blogged about yet. First, it's a girl and I hate her. Well, not hate, but strongly dislike. I can't imagine her being in my life on a daily basis, but it appears she's here to stay. One day I'll crack my knuckles, grab a huge bag of chocolate, and write a blog post about her because the things she did are truly worth judgement by all. But I'm tired and running out of things to talk about, so I'm going to bed. Besides, I have to be up in seven hours and ready to take a quiz by 9:30.
Night all.
Also unlike most college students, I want to write some more. I know you're shocked, but there you go. My brain won't shut off, and I keep bouncing off several different trains of thought. The most prevalent ones are the book I just finished, how my brother is doing at home, how much my neck hurts, and an irrational lust for hot chocolate at this very moment.
For those of you that don't know, Toni Morrison is a prevalent African American author who has won a Nobel Prize for her book Beloved. Her books are dark, to put it lightly. They deal with things I'd rather not think about ever, but her word choice is so beautiful. She makes love to the English language in her novels, and for that I can overlook the novel topics that make my tummy squirm in revulsion.
Another thing that makes my tummy squirm in revulsion is the possibility that a few people in particular are reading this blog. I'm pretty sure not many people are, but that's not what this blog is about anyway. This blog is, like Gerkin in "Sydney White"says, "not about being read. It's about being written." I realize I sound like a dork for that quotation, but that's okay. I like myself just the way I am. But these two people in particular are back home, and while I haven't blogged about one of them, I've definitely blogged about the other one. I don't think either one of them has my url, so I'm hopeful that they aren't reading this.
About the person I haven't blogged about yet. First, it's a girl and I hate her. Well, not hate, but strongly dislike. I can't imagine her being in my life on a daily basis, but it appears she's here to stay. One day I'll crack my knuckles, grab a huge bag of chocolate, and write a blog post about her because the things she did are truly worth judgement by all. But I'm tired and running out of things to talk about, so I'm going to bed. Besides, I have to be up in seven hours and ready to take a quiz by 9:30.
Night all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)