Where I feel like I'm being ignored by people I thought liked me. I know I'm not the best person in the world, and I'm a really good friend to a few people for sure, but that number is smaller than I thought it would be.
One of my best, and I mean best, friends just graduated. I spent two days in a car with my family to come watch her and my cousin graduate, and we're in the middle of our two day trip back to Texas. We stopped in Oklahoma, right in the middle of the severe thunderstorms warning area, and I had a chance to take a bath and ruminate on some things. Back to this best friend I was talking about. So her family made shirts for her graduation. They're toxic bright orange and have a picture of her on her first day of kindergarten printed right in the middle of the shirt. They're super cute. So her family ordered a shit ton of these shirts to wear to Iowa and to give to her closest friends. My brother and I, who up until last night thought that we were her best friends too, did not get shirts, surprisingly. So there were a ton of people wearing these shirts, some that I know for a fact aren't as close as we are to her, and we were left out. She claims that her mother had already ordered the shirts when she found out we were coming, but I call bullshit. It's never a good feeling when you and all these other people band together to do something for a mutual friend, only to realize at the last minute that you haven't been included in the plans.
So there's that. Then there's the fact that some people I know have taken to going places without me. You know, as in everyone but me is invited? I guess I need to take the hint. I didn't think I was such a bad person to be around, but apparently I was wrong. It's not like I've been super nice and forthcoming with them. They aren't my best friends by any means, and sometimes they annoy the piss out of me. Sometimes I'm not very nice to them. But it always hurts to realize you've been excluded, even from something as trivial as a girls' trip to Austin.
You know, I'm really tired of feeling worthless. It's not like I don't have anyone to talk to. And I know people who love me and admire me and think I have worth. But those few people who don't think to invite or include me always seem to overshadow those people who include me. And to have all this exclusion topped off with an exclusion from a person who I thought was my best friend is the icing on the shitty cake, my friends. Sorry for the cliche. It seems I'm not in a creative mood tonight.
I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now, probably because I'm tired and want to go home and am having some hormonal turbulence. And I'm sure it won't be that big of a deal tomorrow, but right now it hurts. I want people to like me. I want people to think I'm a nice person and fun to be around, and I don't know how to do that. Being myself obviously doesn't have the effect I was hoping it would. Instead of being included, I'm the red-headed stepchild in the corner nobody wants to talk to. I just wish I knew what these people don't like about me. That way I can have a reason to be angry and to tell them to fuck off because I refuse to change myself to fit their shallow image of who I should be. I want to feel that self-righteous anger that often fuels my rants. I handle anger a lot better than disappointment and exclusion. I was never popular in school, and I don't think I'll ever be the type of person that lights up a room with just my presence. But I thought that I'd finally found people who wanted to be my friend for no other reason than to hang out with me, but I can't seem to find any willing to do even that.
I'm going to bed. It's getting late and I'm fucking tired of feeling like a piece of shit, especially because I know I'm worth a lot more than this crap.
Goodnight readers.
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