I mean, I really graduated sometime in the beginning of February, to be honest. I walked early, last May to be exact. But I finished all my qualifications for my degree in the middle of April, even though I finished my student teaching at the end of January. I was being a lazy fuck. But I got my diploma, and I framed it, and I don't know what to do with it. I keep picking it up and looking at it, touching it and recalling all my memories of Graceland, etc. What one typically does immediately after one receives a diploma, I assume.
Anyway, all I need now is a job, and I'm set for officially beginning Life After College. Which is really scary, let's be honest. I've always been in school, or on break from school, or preparing for school. It's always been school. My life has been scheduled around school for the past 17 years. 17 YEARS. And I met my brother, suffered through my first heartbreak, found my passion for music and teaching, met my best friends for life, and so many other things while I was in school.
When I think about it, my life has been shaped by school. It's that solid wall you lean on when you need to stop and catch your breath, the one you've been counting on to support you for as long as you can remember. And now that I'm not in school anymore, it feels like my wall has been shattered as easily as glass. I don't have that constant in my life anymore, and as happy as people are to leave school behind, I'm the complete opposite. I don't know what the world has in store for me, and I don't like that feeling. My life is so fucked right now, and I don't need another crisis to work through, honestly.
I mean, from any other perspective my life is nothing to scoff at. I've got parents who love each other and have stayed together for decades. They love me unconditionally and have been willing to support me while I try to find a job. They're in a position to support me, which is an even bigger blessing. I can stay at home while I work to pay off my student debt, only have to pay for my leisure activities, and have all the freedom of an adult living in their own residence. My parents have officially become the coolest roommates a new graduate could hope for.
But I'm so mixed up on the inside. There's only so much outsiders can help with, and my friends help as much as they can, even though a few of them are also graduating from college and therefore have their own worries. They're patient with me as I go over the shambles I've allowed my romantic interests to become thousands of times, foolishly expecting the outcome to be different, though I haven't tried to fix anything. I'm unsure as to what I want to do, because my lifelong goal to become a teacher suddenly feels wrong. Maybe I'm a little wobbly without having a goal to work toward. I'll have to find something else to work at, I guess. I've got severe body image issues that I'm trying to eradicate, because I'm beautiful and someone will recognize that and want to keep me forever instead of use me and lose me. And I have to tell myself that every day or else I'll feel even worse than I already do.
All these little things are so insignificant to others, but they take up most of my day. I escape from them by reading and playing games and doing housework (which is very relaxing, come to find out), anything I can think of to keep my mind engaged. I've also been writing more, as you can tell, which helps me work through the problems that keep me up at night. The ones that I can't silence through eating or listening to music.
I'm also going to watch four people that are important to me graduate in the span of two weeks, one friend I've had since I was three, one friend I met in college and quickly became best friends with, one friend I met through Steven, and my cousin. My church is losing its choir director, who I've become close with. She's assured me that I can come visit her in Montana any time I want, but it won't be the same. She's directing the singing group for my New York trip though, so I'll get to see her for that. Everyone's moving on, changing, and I've never been good with change. That's probably where this irrational need to cry is coming from.
I feel better after writing this, I think. At least sleep will come easier. OH! And I also went to a wedding this past week. Last Saturday, actually. It was a Mormon wedding, so I didn't actually get to see the ceremony. You have to be worthy to enter the temple (i.e. a member of the Mormon church), so we got to see the ring exchange and attended the reception. I knew the groom from high school, and I can honestly say I never pegged him as the first of his group of friends to get married. He's younger than I am, and though I've never been interested in him sexually, my face has been less than six inches away from his dick at least twice. NO JOKE. He used to whip it out all the time. He was not embarrassed by much, if anything. So weddings always make me feel moody because I don't have a boyfriend, and that only added to my "change is coming" mindset to blend my emotions into this deliciously dark and self-pitying cocktail that has inspired most of this blog post.
Damn, I hope I can pull myself out of this funk soon. It gets sad thinking about poor old pitiful me. I also did some reflecting on my past relationships. I've never had sex with a guy, but I DID have sex with a girl. My brother had a giant crush on her, but she wanted in my pants, so much so that she stooped to lowering my inhibitions with alcohol so she could make her first move. The summer after I graduated from high school we snuck around, taking drives to make out in my truck and waiting until my brother went to bed to make out at my house. I had reservations because I felt like I was screwing my brother over. In hindsight, I really was being awful to him. I knew how he felt but I did it anyway.
Moving on. So the night finally came, and we were in my bed, halfway to having legitimate, no holds barred sex. I stopped it and said that I didn't want this to be a one time thing. I wanted whatever we'd been doing all summer to manifest itself into a relationship. She was on board, all, "Oh yeah, baby, that's what I want too. I've been trying to get you to admit you have feelings for me all summer. Relationship. Totally. Now, could you lift up a bit? I need to get your shirt off." So we continued, and the whole time I felt really guilty because my brother was literally two doors down from me. After, we curled up in bed and talked about how awesome we were going to be as a couple. I asked her to wake me up before she left in the morning so I could walk her out, say goodbye, be a good girlfriend, etc.
I woke up at noon, totally alone in bed. She'd left without saying goodbye. A week went by, and she didn't answer my text messages and calls. When I finally got ahold of her, she was distant. I told her I was still having reservations about entering into a relationship with her and hiding it from my brother. She agreed, said, "Yeah, I don't think a relationship will work between us. That was more of a...one-time thing, you know?" So she did exactly what I told her I didn't want her to do. And then she walked out of my life and we never spoke again.
Well this was really personal. Anyway, that's it. That's the whole sordid story. My dealings with that girl almost destroyed my relationship with my brother. He didn't talk to me for almost an entire year. I'm not kidding. He left the house, went to friends' houses, invited them over, did everything he possibly could to keep from spending time with me. And when he couldn't get out of spending time with me he stayed as far away as he could. I don't blame him. But we eventually mended everything, and it's better than it was before the girl, truthfully. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
So, this blog became more personal than I ever thought it would. I'm going to bed for fear of me spilling any more embarrassing details.
Night loves! xx
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