Spring Break!

It's Spring Break, lovelies! Well, it is for me. Some of my Iowa friends are still at school, because their Spring Break is next week.Anyway, today marks the middle of our Spring Break week, and we spent it like any other trio of siblings who are all 21 would: with board games and LOTS of booze. My brothers were so drunk; it was hilarious.

For some reason, I didn't feel like getting drunk. I drank until I was buzzed, and then I stopped. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, because Lord nows I can drink and be sloppy drunk. Tonight was just not that night for me. We started out playing Scattergories, which turned into Dirty Minds, then Jenga, and finally devolved into a singing party. I taught Roo and Dylan how to perform Cups, which they did remarkably well at considering how drunk they were. We recorded some videos, had a grand old laugh,  and wrapped the night up before the topics got too serious. Drunk people have a tendency to talk about things they wouldn't talk about sober, and this family has too many skeletons to start that trend. It's happened a few times before, and nothing good ever comes of it.

So now we're all tucked away, hydrating ourselves, and preparing for a new day. Or some shit like that. I've once again got all these thoughts spinning around in my head and need to get them out before I can sleep. There comes a time in every twenty-something's life when the way things have always been become boring and the quest begins to find something...more, I guess. One minute, you're having a blast being young and drinking like your liver will never give out. There's parties, significant others galore, and being in love with the world as an adult. Then the next phase hits you. It happens so slowly you don't notice it until, suddenly, you don't enjoy it anymore. You have to work, and pay bills, and stop drinking so much because alcohol is expensive and you can't afford to be hungover the next day in case your boss comes by and wants to talk to you about the most important thing ever. So you have to form new habits, and those new habits lead to wanting something more because your old life isn't fulfilling anymore.

That's where I find myself now. I want more out of life. I want to get a full-time job teaching, have adult friend that go out and do things or spend time at each others' houses, grow closer to God, find someone to spend my life with, and settle into being an adult. I want to make peace with my demons and help my brothers make peace with theirs. Drinking all night is no longer fun for me. I don't want to lose control, or drink my problems away.

Tonight my brother accused me of thinking him an alcoholic. In his state, there was no point to arguing with him. He was drunk rambling, and though what he said about me and our mother was hurtful, making him feel bad about it would get us nowhere but in the middle of a fight. I agree that our mother is a bit much, and she can be a bitch, but I still love her fiercely and that will never change. Nor will the urge to defend her when I feel that the shit talking ahas gone on too long or it's taken too far. We all talk bad about our parents, but if they've raised us right we still love them. So I get protective of Mom even though I talk shit about her too.

My brothers also talked to each other about how our mother favors me, which I find to be untrue. It makes me feel bad when they say things like "You're the perfect child," and "Don't hurt the delicate roses's feelings, or Mom will get mad." None of that is true. Tonight it was, "Cathryn can do all sorts of bad things, but she can never be an alcoholic. Mom would never say that about her."

I think the only reason Mom talks to me more is because I'm the only child who fits in her box of what she expected. Dylan was a late addition to the family, and Roo is a trans-gendered homosexual. Both of them are still working on degrees, and Roo doesn't want to stay in college. It's not his thing. I graduated high school, went to college, graduated, and started looking for a job. I've been working toward my dream for years, and I finally got there. That's what Mom expected from all three of us, which is bullshit. What worked for me doesn't work for Roo, and Dylan's life was derailed when his biological mother died. He's putting it back together as best he can, and doing a great job of it. Mom has to realize that her children are unique and will get to their dreams like I did, just not in the same way. Having said that, she does love us unconditionally. She's just trying to cope with being jobless. After almost 25 years of loyal service, to be fired from your job has to be awful. I'm sure she feel like she has no purpose right now, and she's trying to find the new normal for her. Just as she needs to be patient with us, we need to be patient with her.

Does any of this make sense? I've been writing in spurts because my brother has been vomiting. He had a little too much to drink and felt the repercussions. I think both of my drunk babies are sleeping now, though. It's 2:15 in the morning, so I think I might go to bed as well.

Not what you expected when you looked at the title, huh?

I hope you all have/had an absolutely amazing Spring Break, and I'll catch y'all on the flip side.

Peace out.