I Just Want To Cry

I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And I'm trying not to let it get in the way of a new relationship that looks like it has merit. But I can't separate myself from this. Everything feels wrong when it's not about him. And when it is about him, I'm eternally disappointed because it's not the way I want it to be. I want him to love me back just as much as I want to not love him anymore.

He's not who I'd imagined I'd want to be with. And my world is fine. I'm fine. I have no reason to be crying...but I am. And he's not who I wanted to end up with. He isn't even someone I thought I'd be attracted. He's immature and he's annoying and his jokes aren't funny. And I'm not with him. But I want to be, and I shouldn't want to be. Somehow, someway, he got in under my radar. I turned around and there he was, already at home in my mind. He's not my ideal man, not even close. But he's perfect for me and I want him.

But I can't watch him go through girls and be the supportive friend he thinks I am. I can't do it anymore. And it hurts because the day I tell him I can't do it will be the day he turns away and walks out of my life.

I shouldn't care about this. He's rude and he's not worth my time. He's everything I'm not. My siblings don't want me to care, and I've tried. I've tried so hard. But I can't stop loving him. And it makes me pathetic. I look so silly waiting for something that will never happen. But I can't pull myself away. And I just want to cry.