Because I Haven't Been Blogging Enough Lately

I'm doing another one. I know, three in a week is a little extreme, even for me. But there you go. It seems that I've got quite a bit floating around in my mind.

So this guy...I feel like I'm irrationally excited. I don't know if he thinks I'm a cool person too, though I assume he does because we're still talking. And I'm happy that I found someone with the same interests as me. But do I want to travel down this road? I feel like I should. I've been telling everyone of my friends how excited I am to meet him, and I am. I really am. But why am I excited?

I can't tell. I've been talking to Peyton for one week and I can tell we're going to be good friends, if not more. But I've still got someone else in the back of my mind, and I think about him when I least expect it. Like today, I woke up and immediately thought about Peyton. But I was sitting here, doing nothing, and that boy back home popped up. This was made even more strange by the fact that he texted me right after he appeared in my mind.

I can't stop thinking about how he feels about my interest in this new man. The loud, girl power part of my brain demands that I stop thinking. He had his chance, and he blew it. He asked me to give him a chance and give him time to get to know me, only to hop in bed with the next girl to come along. And I wasn't even the girl he chose after he broke up with that one. And now all he says he wants is a purely sexual relationship. Which is kind of a dick thing to say. So I should be done with him.

But the other part of my brain that doesn't have control over my mouth and what I say to others keeps casting doubt on my decision. Why would he tell me he wants a purely sexual relationship after spending two weeks lamenting on his lost love and claiming that sex means something more to him than a physical release? And he told me this lovely tidbit of information after I told him about Peyton.

So he could be doing two things: revealing his true dick head nature, or posturing to cover the hurt he feels that I'm no longer waiting for him. I want with all my heart to believe that option one is true, but I can't shake the feeling that option two has merit. Either way, I don't want him to be hurt and I still care about him, which is casting doubt on my rush to meet Peyton.

We have a lot in common. There's no doubt about that. But why does that suddenly appeal to me, when just a few months ago I was trying to find someone who wasn't like me? Am I a drowning man, grabbing onto whatever I can reach to pull myself out of the whirlpool that is my feelings for this boy at home? Do I really want to pursue something with Peyton, or is this a friends-only situation?

I don't know, and I wish my brain would shut up and give me some relief. I don't want this to be a big deal anymore. I don't want to over think this to death. I want this sick feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to take a nap. Yeah, I think I'll do that.