I've Been So Busy...

I'm sorry!

Not that I'm deluding myself in order to create this false world where people actually read this word vomit that I dare to call a blog.

But just in case, I'm sorry!

I've been so busy student teaching and trying to sort out my obvious boy problems. So I have a really bad habit of finding guys who are absolutely shit for me and giving them everything I have before they agree to at least give me a chance. And I get thrown away because even though I'm willing to give guys everything I can emotionally, I'm unwilling to throw my body at them just as easily. And what I've learned from my experiences with boys, or I guess I should say men, is that they're okay with emotional connections, but they'd really like to be able to stick their penises in at least one female orifice as well, and preferably before said emotional connection. And since my legs stay crossed and my mouth is used for more productive activities I'm no longer desirable. And then they have the audacity to say it's because I'm too fat or too this or too that instead of saying I'm not easy enough.

So they move on, and I'm stuck because I've tried to build this emotional connection first in order to be respected and I can't let it go as easily as they let go of me. But I'm not respected. I'm used and taken advantage of until they realize I won't put out and then it's not worth it. I'd really like to find a man who doesn't have sex as quickly as possible as the endgame to all their relationships with women who aren't related to them. And...

I think I found him.

But I'm not sure, and his best friend is dead set on keeping us apart. He even went so far as to say that his friend didn't like fat chicks, so I wouldn't have a chance anyway. I'm not stupid; I know he's aware that I'm interested in his friend. I also know that he doesn't want me anywhere near him because I finally stopped being so easy to manipulate, and he's done a damn good job of it so far. It's hard to try to build personal connections when the person you want is more than 1,000 miles away from you and doesn't get regular breaks to come home. Such is the life of a military man, I guess.

But I'm not sure if this person is the man I think he is. I've only met him twice, but he's been SO FUCKING NICE. And I'm not head over heels for him like I normally am with everyone else. I haven't built him up in my mind. He's different from every other man I've ever wanted to call mine. And that's kinda scary because I'm not sure what to expect. My lack of obsession could be a really good thing. All my friends think so, anyway. And I want so badly to believe that they're right. But it could also mean that it's not really there. And the only way I'll find out is to try.

I don't want to try only to be shut down again. I'm getting sick of making the first move. It's never worked out, and it takes me a while to get over it and be able to look at myself without seeing all my flaws. And I don't want to go through that right now, so I'm trying to remain objective but also not close myself off from what could potentially be THE relationship I've been looking for. Ugh.

And I've been thinking about it for three days because on Friday I'm heading home, and he'll be there on leave from the Marine Corps, and maybe we'll see each other. I hope we do, at any rate. And I'm kind of scared shitless, which is a feat, considering how regular I am. So I shake when I think about him and seeing him again and my stomach hurts and I can't breathe deeply and...the list goes on.

So, any ideas? Should I try, or should I wait until he's back for good? And is the fact that he's different from everyone else good or bad? I have no fucking clue, so if any of you out there have any advice, I'm all ears. Seriously. Hit me with your best shot.

Later my loves.